LilGhost
Shark
- Apr 8, 2026
- 80
Soooo.... I give up. Should be gone in two days hopefully maximum. I abound the gifts for all friends idea (a;ready gave to my best friend one, wanted to make more), I cant do smth big in such short period and my body literally shuts down due to the stress and... idk maybe it feels the end? Not to be a spiritual person. (liteally had like 2 maybe 3 maximum days for the past like 2 weeks i think where I didnt have migraine or chest pain, insomnia now can make me go with no sleep for almost 2 days (with migraines, nausea and etc), or pinpoint pupils, uncontrollable muscle twitching (okay last two were kinda recent, barely had them for the past weeks), confusion, and etc, just explaining why i couldnt literally do anything
My main issue is my parents who wants me back to my home country despite them hearing explosions around the house and people dying. For 2.5 months. During college break. To the country that hates lgbtqa+ people (my parents dont know about my gender identity or orientation to be fair, or otherwise id be sent to conversion therapy or straight up disowned). The country with the government I hate. Literally rather be homeless in Canada then rich in Russia. But Canadian college education is expensive af and i cant stay on college visa unless i am in college or scheduled break.
So technically i have two choices:
1) Ctb
2) Use my trusted friend (hes like my brother) offer to live for awhile with him off rent, while I apply for refugee and (hopefully) land a job I can sustain (disable shit. Literally sometime physically unable to stand up from my bed. And loud surroundings are triggering, so im very limited in the jobs I physically able to do, not even out of laziness. I CANT. I tried, i promise) to pay for last semester of mine before co-op and rent with food shit.
Can look only on the number 2 cause hed lowkey be upset if id be gone as we are family for each other. I had to postpone my march leave as he told me he doesnt want to die, as we both were in a fucked situation and both of us couldnt handle it alone. But I feel like in 2nd id be to much of a burden for him. We are kinda safe from that situation now, tho nothing can be same like before. I also have like 9 other reasons why i want to leave (congrats to me? there used to be 11 not including the going back to russia shit. But most of those that left are permanent), its just that i feel like without the strict deadline of having to go back to russia, i have little hope to not hate my life as much. Thats the other reason why I choose 1. Cause i dont want to be a burden, just to end up ctbing anyway. Plus that would make much less space for ctb availible as i wont ctb at his place. To much trauma.
Anyway.... I know i could fight for my life. But.... I am very tired. The only reason im still here is the friend and fear of hell ending up existing (or simulation and getting humiliated as my life was "watched". I fear.... if it was watched by others, ill have to grab the rope for second life and I fear im not even kidding)
I know that some might call it cowardish and lazy. And, well, stupid. To my defense: I have a way out for 1/10 reasons to ctb only and it requires a lot and some luck
I hope there will be only peace outside of that
My main issue is my parents who wants me back to my home country despite them hearing explosions around the house and people dying. For 2.5 months. During college break. To the country that hates lgbtqa+ people (my parents dont know about my gender identity or orientation to be fair, or otherwise id be sent to conversion therapy or straight up disowned). The country with the government I hate. Literally rather be homeless in Canada then rich in Russia. But Canadian college education is expensive af and i cant stay on college visa unless i am in college or scheduled break.
So technically i have two choices:
1) Ctb
2) Use my trusted friend (hes like my brother) offer to live for awhile with him off rent, while I apply for refugee and (hopefully) land a job I can sustain (disable shit. Literally sometime physically unable to stand up from my bed. And loud surroundings are triggering, so im very limited in the jobs I physically able to do, not even out of laziness. I CANT. I tried, i promise) to pay for last semester of mine before co-op and rent with food shit.
Can look only on the number 2 cause hed lowkey be upset if id be gone as we are family for each other. I had to postpone my march leave as he told me he doesnt want to die, as we both were in a fucked situation and both of us couldnt handle it alone. But I feel like in 2nd id be to much of a burden for him. We are kinda safe from that situation now, tho nothing can be same like before. I also have like 9 other reasons why i want to leave (congrats to me? there used to be 11 not including the going back to russia shit. But most of those that left are permanent), its just that i feel like without the strict deadline of having to go back to russia, i have little hope to not hate my life as much. Thats the other reason why I choose 1. Cause i dont want to be a burden, just to end up ctbing anyway. Plus that would make much less space for ctb availible as i wont ctb at his place. To much trauma.
Anyway.... I know i could fight for my life. But.... I am very tired. The only reason im still here is the friend and fear of hell ending up existing (or simulation and getting humiliated as my life was "watched". I fear.... if it was watched by others, ill have to grab the rope for second life and I fear im not even kidding)
I know that some might call it cowardish and lazy. And, well, stupid. To my defense: I have a way out for 1/10 reasons to ctb only and it requires a lot and some luck
I hope there will be only peace outside of that
