Venting I gave life a final chance, and i failed

[FlankerSandwhich]

Sorry for posting this here. Its stupid, and no one cares about my stupid, self inflicted pain. I don't know why I'm putting this here, and I know it won't help anyone. Maybe it might push me over the edge and make me actually ctb instead of chickening out for once.

From February to may this year, I was incredibly depressed, stuck in bed the entire day, not seeing the sun or sky for months (my window faced a brick wall), and completely losing it. There was one day where I had a breakdown, and was going to hang myself, but for some reason, I couldn't. It was like I was paralysed, desperately trying to stop myself from doing it.

Well, I survived, and I thought I'd dedicate this summer to making something of my life. After all, I'm a college student with a long summer, I have time. And its not like I'm guaranteed a long life; for all I know, I could kill myself in a few months, so why not make a last ditch effort? Its ridiculous, but ever since I was a kid, I wanted to become a YouTuber and make people smile the way I did when I was a depressed kid. So is started, trying to make videos and join communities with people online, really doing the things that meant something to me.

Now, on the side, I like to play competitive Pokémon (I know, its pathetic and stupid, in sorry), and part of my goals for this summer was playing I'm tournaments and finally getting myself out there, so when I saw a tournament happening set for today, I was super excited and booked myself in. That was a mistake. I became super anxious and stopped thinking straight, and it triggered a really bad mental break down. When I lost my first match, literally the first thing I did was grab the nearest knife to hurt myself.

And now I'm here, reevaluating everything. Achieving my dreams, recovery, a better future, its all impossible. I'm a pathetic person, and its impossible to think that I could play in a tour like this, let alone turn my life around. I'm ready to kill myself now, there really aren't any reasons for living. There's no future, no change, no nothing. I'm a social and financial burden to those I care about, and I definitely can't even finish my degree. So time to go to the hardware store and grab a rope, I give up

Isn't it pathetic? All these people really suffering on this website, and I'm here bitching over a children's game. The world is gonna be so much better without me

 

[needtofindrightway]

I know you don't want to hear this but the world won't be better off without you. Are you sure you have tried everything that could make you better? So what if you don't finish this degree, get well and return or do something else.

I am in a very similar spot as you (feeling paralyzed and unable to finish my degree even though every body around me tells me how smart I am and that it won't be a problem AND MEANWHILE ALL I WANNA DO IS CTB), I truly wish you the best.

 

[Aflame5926]

gaming which including pokemon isnt pathetic. it legit can be a good outlet. i made great friends during my dark times.

so little bit different but i also dont see your current situation as beyond saving. well it depends on the question if you ever have received help.

i do say in my country we have certain social workers then can help out with this pariticly problem. getting you fit again to go through social events.

degree aint worth shit through. like at IT related stuff. its AI everywhere.

but take this as a grain of salt