Venting I find myself incapable of coping (just wanted to vent about my life)

[numb3r]

I'm turning 19 in 2 months. The first time I ever felt suicidal I was 11 years old, I wanted god to kill me and send me to hell (sounds edgy I know but I genuinely believed that I deserved it due to my religious upbringing, fuck religion honestly). I've had an eating disorder for 6 years, and as my next birthday approaches I have realized just how much of my life has been lost to this stupid fucking disease I can't bring myself to give up. Often times I go back to starving and cutting and the like in order to cope with things, but it isn't working anymore. My physical health is declining as well and I experience chronic pain and I find myself once again just wishing for death every day. Nothing brings me joy, I have felt like a husk of a person for a very long time. I've been in a relationship for nearly 15 months, and I have moved in with my partner. They bring moments of joy into my life, but outside of them, I feel empty and hollow. My partner basically saved me from my family and from a dangerous living area and a miserable home. I am tired. Being severely mentally ill and living through some of the things I have lived through has truly worn me down, and the future for the country I live in is bleak and nearly hopeless. I feel as though I have lived a thousand years in my time on earth. The idea of working a job every day until I die is hell to me. The idea of repeating the days over and over is hell to me. The idea of trying to fit into the social rules of this world and trying to seem as normal as possible in friendships or work is hell to me.

I am tired

 

[FuneralCry]

It feels like I've suffered for so long as well, I really understand feeling so tired of suffering in this cruel existence, I also find it so torturous to exist and just wish to be free from it all, to cease existing is all I wish for. But anyway I wish you the best.