Story I finally understand that I don't deserve what I want

[Wolf Girl]

Last year, the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me told me that because of my autism, I "don't understand why can't just have what want." I sat with that for a year, not knowing what that meant. But I know now. It means I do not *deserve* what I want.

I was fired from the job I wanted to do more than anything. I convinced myself it was unfair, but it wasn't. I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve the job, the money, or the amazing people there. Nobody reached out to me after I was gone and I stupidly thought they would. But I get it now, I'm not good enough to be friends with normal people either. I had a crush on a guy there who said he loved autistic people, but it turned out he only liked TikTok Girl Awwtism and hated my genuine autistic traits.

It's like this in every area of my life. I am undeserving of success, peace or contentment. I think my psychologist would say I don't understand the social hierarchy of money, looks, social ability, etc because of my autism, so I hope for things that people on my level don't get. I really only deserve a menial job, friends that avoid hanging out with me, and lovers who are never really excited about being with me, etc.

There's nothing special about me. I'm not like other girls, I'm worse. I'm disabled. I'm below average. I'm someone that even many normies believe should be euthanized because my life is not worth living. What the fuck was I made for?

 

[U. A.]

Everyone deserves love, respect, and fulfillment

 

[cookiencream]

Last year, the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me told me that because of my autism, I "don't understand why can't just have what want." I sat with that for a year, not knowing what that meant. But I know now. It means I do not *deserve* what I want.

I was fired from the job I wanted to do more than anything. I convinced myself it was unfair, but it wasn't. I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve the job, the money, or the amazing people there. Nobody reached out to me after I was gone and I stupidly thought they would. But I get it now, I'm not good enough to be friends with normal people either. I had a crush on a guy there who said he loved autistic people, but it turned out he only liked TikTok Girl Awwtism and hated my genuine autistic traits.

It's like this in every area of my life. I am undeserving of success, peace or contentment. I think my psychologist would say I don't understand the social hierarchy of money, looks, social ability, etc because of my autism, so I hope for things that people on my level don't get. I really only deserve a menial job, friends that avoid hanging out with me, and lovers who are never really excited about being with me, etc.

There's nothing special about me. I'm not like other girls, I'm worse. I'm disabled. I'm below average. I'm someone that even many normies believe should be euthanized because my life is not worth living. What the fuck was I made for?

Deserve? But you did nothing to deserve this but be born?

 

[Pluto]

 

[Foxcompany2nd3rd]

Im autistic too, the universe seems hell bent on shitting on me at every turn. I dont understand other autistic people who say their life is great and full of loving people. Maybe there is a certain type of autism that is cursed, and we have it.

 

[white_car]

Felt the same thing, when I realized I'm what is called "a low value man".

It is unfair, in the sense that we didn't ask to be brought in to this world.

But is it also *not* unfair, in the sense that it makes sense that I guy like me (meaning with zero desirable human qualities or skills) would have the exact same horrible life I have.

What is problematic, is that inconsiderate people still continue pumping sentient being into the world.

At any rate, thank you for the authenticity in your post.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Felt the same thing, when I realized I'm what is called "a low value man".

It is unfair, in the sense that we didn't ask to be brought in to this world.

But is it also *not* unfair, in the sense that it makes sense that I guy like me (meaning with zero desirable human qualities or skills) would have the exact same horrible life I have.

What is problematic, is that inconsiderate people still continue pumping sentient being into the world.

At any rate, thank you for the authenticity in your post.

I hear you... I had a guy I was seeing flat out tell me that he dates unattractive girls because we'll be less likely to cheat on him. That sucked. I know some people are very attracted to me, but I want to be conventionally attractive. Like the kind where everyone thinks you're attractive. But I was born unique looking. It's just not fair.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

Anyone want to be friends? I'd like to get a few pwease *taps the table*
I'm not joking though, I feel I want friends that get me, and yeah, we belong to the same club I guess. haha.
Fuck me dude.

 

[Archness]

Deserve anything >> Deserve nothing >> Deserve to die .
It is what it is.

Either I die now or live 20+ years as a worthless person who people always wishes would just disappear.

 

[Celerity]

Look, OP, I would wager most people who get what they want *don't* deserve it. I actually tend toward the opposite of the Just World Theory.

Just-world fallacy - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

You are not wrong to desire a better life, and I have had (bad) therapists before assume that other people must be right and that I *must* be wrong just because I have the known diagnosis. Why is your therapist so certain that your firing was legitimate?

 

[kopebaldy]

Society isn't accommodated. If you aren't normal, you're fucked.

Think ab it in a logical way, can't say I blame them. I'm nothing but a dead weight, there's no benefits in dragging the entire collective down for me.

It's whatever.

 

[finallydone]

Last year, the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me told me that because of my autism, I "don't understand why can't just have what want." I sat with that for a year, not knowing what that meant. But I know now. It means I do not *deserve* what I want.

I was fired from the job I wanted to do more than anything. I convinced myself it was unfair, but it wasn't. I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve the job, the money, or the amazing people there. Nobody reached out to me after I was gone and I stupidly thought they would. But I get it now, I'm not good enough to be friends with normal people either. I had a crush on a guy there who said he loved autistic people, but it turned out he only liked TikTok Girl Awwtism and hated my genuine autistic traits.

It's like this in every area of my life. I am undeserving of success, peace or contentment. I think my psychologist would say I don't understand the social hierarchy of money, looks, social ability, etc because of my autism, so I hope for things that people on my level don't get. I really only deserve a menial job, friends that avoid hanging out with me, and lovers who are never really excited about being with me, etc.

There's nothing special about me. I'm not like other girls, I'm worse. I'm disabled. I'm below average. I'm someone that even many normies believe should be euthanized because my life is not worth living. What the fuck was I made for?

well many things to note here, as someone with a bit of autism myself :
first the way you describe things tells me you're on the smarter side of people born with the same disability and that's actually a good thing, think about all of those with autism who can't even formulate a sentence, let alone read or write the way you're doing
looking at your case, tho note that i'm not a professional, it's just my opinion, you have only three courses of action ;
1. refrain from focusing on the disability and simply try your best at everything you do, you don't have to excel in it, just it give it a 100%
2. blame your parents for your fucked up genetics and keep on doing your best either ways
3. go the hedonistic route, do everything you like to do, fill your insecurity holes with as much pleasure as possible, go as far as denying social boundaries and see where that takes you

 

[Daphne]

At least it didn't take you a lifetime to figure out you're ND. I was off as a kid but there was no label back then to describe it.

What I hated most about my autism is I scared off my guy crushes