I finally opened up to people about being suicidal

[Werewolf.]

I would always hide my problems from everyone and pretend everything was going fine. For years, I never told a single soul about the things I was going through. That changed a few months ago when my whole world came crashing down. I felt beyond helpless, hopeless and suicidal. I had even picked a date and method. My worst nightmare ended up becoming my reality. I could no longer fake being happy like I had been doing for years. So I confided in some people and finally opened up after seven years. People always said to talk about your problems with others so that you can feel better. Well guess what, it didn't change a thing. In fact, I regret opening up. I feel just as bad as I did before. Whoever said talking helps is a damn liar. I opened up to seven different people and I just made them feel bad for me. One even called me "psycho" because I said I wanted to kill myself even though I wouldn't do it. So here I go back again to pretending everything is fine when nothing is, except this time deep down people will know I am a deeply depressed dude.

 

[FuneralCry]

Talking would never help me. Talking does not take away what makes you suicidal in the first place, it does not fix anything. To me personally, words are so meaningless and hollow. Other people will never be able to fully comprehend what we go through as they are not us. Sometimes talking can make everything worse, depending on what the person says. People can be very cruel. All that many people seem to do is create more suffering.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I would always hide my problems from everyone and pretend everything was going fine. For years, I never told a single soul about the things I was going through. That changed a few months ago when my whole world came crashing down. I felt beyond helpless, hopeless and suicidal. I had even picked a date and method. My worst nightmare ended up becoming my reality. I could no longer fake being happy like I had been doing for years. So I confided in some people and finally opened up after seven years. People always said to talk about your problems with others so that you can feel better. Well guess what, it didn't change a thing. In fact, I regret opening up. I feel just as bad as I did before. Whoever said talking helps is a damn liar. I opened up to seven different people and I just made them feel bad for me. One even called me "psycho" because I said I wanted to kill myself even though I wouldn't do it. So here I go back again to pretending everything is fine when nothing is, except this time deep down people will know I am a deeply depressed dude.

Same exact thing happened to me.

 

[Pluto]

Sorry to hear that you've experienced this.

People are conditioned to react defensively when this topic comes up. There are many reasons why they may do this. They might want to help but have no idea how to do so without making amateurish errors. They might have had similar suicidal instincts and are afraid of them resurfacing. They may have been raised to be dismissive of this topic. They may even feel insulted that someone is openly rejecting their 'great' society.

I generally find that it is important to wear a mask of normality in everyday life. It is also desirable to have a place where one can be more open. This website and maybe a couple of friends is all that I have.

 

[Cherry xoxo]

I am really sorry you had to go through that.

People generally don't understand unless they go through it themselves.
Please don't let this get you down, you did what you felt was right at the time and there's no shame in that if anything this experience should show you who the people you can really trust are..

I tried slitting my wrists when I was younger several times and I still have scars, I try to cover them up with bracelets but sometimes they still visible, people see them and you sort of see how they look at you in a different way.
Just last week my co-worker saw my wrist and he said really loudly what did you do to your wrists and I tried to signal to him to just be quite and then he asked why I'm doing stupid things and I just didn't say anything because he clearly didn't understand.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

The quickest way to lose friends and become a social pariah is to admit you have suicidal thoughts. Of course once you ctb they will all pretend that they didn't see this coming or that they were willing to talk if only you reached out.

Opening up about suicidal ideation is not a good idea. At best people will start to distance themselves and ignore you. At worst you will be forcibly institutionalized and degraded even further. You are on your own. That is what I have learned.

 

[looking.glass]

Your experience is exactly why I do not talk about it. I will be thinking about suicide while talking to my therapist and not bring it up. I know they would throw an absolute fit if they knew I was even here.

 

[Versailles]

I think that talking only works when we have very superficial wounds, but when we have very deep wounds they are often difficult to treat even if we talk about them with someone else.

 

[D&D]

I would always hide my problems from everyone and pretend everything was going fine. For years, I never told a single soul about the things I was going through. That changed a few months ago when my whole world came crashing down. I felt beyond helpless, hopeless and suicidal. I had even picked a date and method. My worst nightmare ended up becoming my reality. I could no longer fake being happy like I had been doing for years. So I confided in some people and finally opened up after seven years. People always said to talk about your problems with others so that you can feel better. Well guess what, it didn't change a thing. In fact, I regret opening up. I feel just as bad as I did before. Whoever said talking helps is a damn liar. I opened up to seven different people and I just made them feel bad for me. One even called me "psycho" because I said I wanted to kill myself even though I wouldn't do it. So here I go back again to pretending everything is fine when nothing is, except this time deep down people will know I am a deeply depressed dude.

I am really sorry for what happened. I know how hard it must have been to open up to start with ... only to receive unhelpful responses.

One of the most often repeated mantras is 'just talk to someone' ... as if anyone would know how to respond in a truly helpful manner. The fact is that most people do not know what to do/say. They get scared and confused. Uncomfortable. As a result their responses are often off-hand, invalidating, dismissive or similar. Or they repeat often heard 'you are just seeking attention' line. Which in itself is meaningless when you think about, because why is wrong to seek attention when hurting?

All of which makes the situation for the one asking even worse. I can understand that people may not know ... the real problem is that they do NOT seek to LEARN. They do not seek to take a closer look. Because suicide is still by far and large a taboo. Mention it and everyone 'runs' for cover. Of some kind. That, in my view, is root of the problem and one of the main contributing factors to suicide rates skyrocketing in recent years.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I can understand that people may not know ... the real problem is that they do NOT seek to LEARN. They do not seek to take a closer look. Because suicide is still by far and large a taboo. Mention it and everyone 'runs' for cover. Of some kind. That, in my view, is root of the problem and one of the main contributing factors to suicide rates skyrocketing in recent years.

There is no point talking to them. You will never convince them. They will never get it. Just look at how they act like the 'real victims' of suicide. Pure narcissists who always have to make it about them. A person just died but all they can think is how it affects them. Not the reasons that drove them to ctb in the first place.

 

[D&D]

There is no point talking to them. You will never convince them. They will never get it. Just look at how they act like the 'real victims' of suicide. Pure narcissists who always have to make it about them. A person just died but all they can think is how it affects them. Not the reasons that drove them to ctb in the first place.

That is the brutal truth most people cannot bring themselves to face. Those that cannot not face it are swiftly ostracized. They make the rest uncomfortable.

The terminology is devised to that purpose -' 'suicide survivors' and 'suicide victims' are terms worn as armor. Against introspect. All fortified by the 'suicide is nobody's fault' and 'life goes on' logic. I can't stand it. I know most people disagree with me. I still can't stand it. It makes for a lonely life.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

That is the brutal truth most people cannot bring themselves to face. Those that cannot not face it are swiftly ostracized. They make the rest uncomfortable.

The terminology is devised to that purpose -' 'suicide survivors' and 'suicide victims' are terms worn as armor. Against introspect. All fortified by the 'suicide is nobody's fault' and 'life goes on' logic. I can't stand it. I know most people disagree with me. I still can't stand it. It makes for a lonely life.

I think most of us if not all of us here agree with you. I hate how we are automatically labelled as mentally ill just because we want to die. Suicide is not a crime. But why are we treated like criminals?

 

[RappyMaster]

I tried opening up to some people I consider close to me, they told me it was completely fine to feel this way, sad and hopeless. Unfortunately, when I told them I wanted to leave this place they couldn't understand the reason behind that, it made me feel bad because some of them started calling me a lot of horrible things, it's like they gave me even more reasons to leave. It's pretty painful when people don't have empathy, I've always been afraid to express how I actually feel, when I end up doing it, everything gets worse and I hate it.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I tried opening up to some people I consider close to me, they told me it was completely fine to feel this way, sad and hopeless. Unfortunately, when I told them I wanted to leave this place they couldn't understand the reason behind that, it made me feel bad because some of them started calling me a lot of horrible things, it's like they gave me even more reasons to leave. It's pretty painful when people don't have empathy, I've always been afraid to express how I actually feel, when I end up doing it, everything gets worse and I hate it.

It's the same people who will pretend to be shocked when you finally ctb. There is no reason to tell others. It won't change anything. Often times it gets even worse. This website is the only place I found that I can be honest and have others who understand. It blows my mind that people try to take this website down. This is all we have left. Just leave us alone.

 

[Luna77]

I agree, discussion of suicide & mental health needs to be so much more de-stigmatized in societies. It's the 10th leading cause of death in the US (& that's only what's being reported, there's lots of people that are never found or make it look like an accident.) Like one person every 11 second dies of suicide. My friends, fam, counselor etc don't want to hear that I'm planning to ctb next month. There's this site I can vent & a few people I've met online, grateful for all that. IRL I can't discuss it w/anyone anymore. I've learned harsh lessons in oversharing w/people who couldn't handle hearing about it for whatever their reasons. Which is just another reason to disappear into the void, so I won't depress/disappoint anyone anymore.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I agree, discussion of suicide & mental health needs to be so much more de-stigmatized in societies. It's the 10th leading cause of death in the US (& that's only what's being reported, there's lots of people that are never found or make it look like an accident.

There is a staggering number of people that just vanish each year. I wonder how many of these were just remote suicides. 1 in 50 deaths is from suicide.

 

[D&D]

I think most of us if not all of us here agree with you. I hate how we are automatically labelled as mentally ill just because we want to die. Suicide is not a crime. But why are we treated like criminals?

Suicide is most certainly not a crime although it was regarded as such for a very long time and it still is in some places. The real reason, in my view, is fear ... deeply rooted, subconscious fear. Nothing scares people more than death. Those that, for whatever reason and by whatever means, manage to overcome that fear are regarded with mixture of fear, loathing and reverence. As a species humans have shown to shun, persecute, and ostracize all those that differ from the majority. It is a surviving instinct as its sharpest and most ruthless end. Humans arrive equipped with it. Other traits such as compassion, empathy, tolerance - they need to be learned, developed and nurtured.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Nothing scares people more than death. Those that, for whatever reason and by whatever means, manage to overcome that fear are regarded with mixture of fear, loathing and reverence. As a species humans have shown to shun, persecute, and ostracize all those that differ from the majority. It is a surviving instinct as its sharpest and most ruthless end.

Life is brutal. Only the strongest survive. Just look at nature and wildlife. Everyday is a constant struggle for survival. Human beings are scary as well. Look at what people are capable of just to satisfy their own selfish desires.

I mentally checked out a long time ago. Once you realize suicide is a real option there is no turning back. Those who have yet to realize this will never understand us or why we feel this way. It sucks we have to hide away in secret to discuss this but I glad this place exists at all.

 

[D&D]

Life is brutal. Only the strongest survive. Just look at nature and wildlife. Everyday is a constant struggle for survival. Human beings are scary as well. Look at what people are capable of just to satisfy their own selfish desires.

I mentally checked out a long time ago. Once you realize suicide is a real option there is no turning back. Those who have yet to realize this will never understand us or why we feel this way. It sucks we have to hide away in secret to discuss this but I glad this place exists at all.

Exactly. Once you know - you cannot unknow.