I feel worthless even with success

[prototypian]

I suppose you only have to think of Kate spade, robin williams, Anthony Bourdain or others to know that success doesn't prevent suicide. I have a job and career, I have retirement savings, I have health care and I have a roof over my head. But I go to suicide as a thought every day throughout most of the day. I imagine how wonderful it would be to never wake up. I think about the people who would no longer be able to ask me to do things and I get so happy for myself. It's like my dying would make me happy. I don't want to be alive. That's it. I want to disappear. If only I could simply no longer exist. I've learned to not worry about those around me because I know that once I am gone whether they are upset or scarred by my suicide, I won't be there to feel the pain or remorse. I sit and think, "there is no evidence that anyone has any real regrets after they die whether by suicide or not.

The truth is that I don't believe I don't matter. I'm not saying "I don't matter". What I mean is "I wish I didn't matter and wasn't important at all".

No tombstone for me. Not even a memorial. Just make it so that I don't exist anymore.