Venting I feel traped

[xxx.]

Ctb has been on my mind for many years. In the past, especially as a young teen I often had these thoughts of hope. I always thought I just had to try harder. I thought I could just force myself to be happy if I just tried hard enough. Obviously that never worked. I just feel so stuck. It's not like I don't want to life a happy live but I tried for so many years and nothing seems to make things better for me. More like the oppossite, I've trapped myself in a place where I feel demotivated and suicidal and stop doing important things like taking care of my education and physical health, which makes me more suicidal. Also I feel like I ruined the opportunity to have a good future and even if very hypothetically I could life the future of my dreams, I couldn't enjoy it or handle it due to my mental health. I feel like I should finally allow myself to stop suffering and ctb.

 

[deniskirkmanmoriart]

Hey bud.
Right there with you. I don't want my lifes work to be holding myself back from suicide just to... die from natural causes? In a manner not of my volition. CTB has been on my mind since 16 and I've had highs where I thought I was completely away from this and that it wouldn't come back but it always has.
I don't know the right answer to this. But this seems like I've found a group of people that understand that brutal turning gear and the helplessness of being smashed to viscera within it's teeth. Download "The Peaceful Pill" and just... give yourself space to think about what you want, no societal or familial expectations. That's at least what I'm doing/where I'm at.

 

[xxx.]

Hey bud.
Right there with you. I don't want my lifes work to be holding myself back from suicide just to... die from natural causes? In a manner not of my volition. CTB has been on my mind since 16 and I've had highs where I thought I was completely away from this and that it wouldn't come back but it always has.
I don't know the right answer to this. But this seems like I've found a group of people that understand that brutal turning gear and the helplessness of being smashed to viscera within it's teeth. Download "The Peaceful Pill" and just... give yourself space to think about what you want, no societal or familial expectations. That's at least what I'm doing/where I'm at.

Thanks, it's a little comforting to not be so alone.