I feel so powerless.

[RazzleDazzle]

I don't know how to get myself together enough and keep going long enough to get it all set up and get my affairs in order. I've been putting off going down this road in the hopes that something would change, and it has - I've broken down more. My functionality is gone, I'm just pretty much gritting my teeth to survive being alive. And actually, I broke a crown on one of my molars this week from grinding my teeth while I slept, I guess.

I don't know. I've exhausted all possible scenarios of making my situation better and I can't see any way out. When I've reached out for help from people who I know it's all, "Go to therapy." I've been to fucking therapy, I know what therapy has to offer, and my life is intolerable. For multiple reasons, none of which I can change or control.

It's just overwhelming to actually do what I need to do to CTB. I'm using an exit bag and that means going out and buying crap and putting it together, and I've got to get my affairs in order-ish - nothing major, just getting rid of crap that I need to get rid of and not leaving everything a total dumpster fire for someone else to deal with.

I really wish that I would have accepted the situation for what it was sooner and started doing all of this sooner, when I was in better shape.

 

[logan]

Maybe it will help you to do small things and to do them little by little. If it goes well there. You again confidence.

Of course, such a situation is difficult - especially if you have no one who really wants to/can help you.

 

[toforigivelife]

I don't know how to get myself together enough and keep going long enough to get it all set up and get my affairs in order. I've been putting off going down this road in the hopes that something would change, and it has - I've broken down more. My functionality is gone, I'm just pretty much gritting my teeth to survive being alive. And actually, I broke a crown on one of my molars this week from grinding my teeth while I slept, I guess.

I don't know. I've exhausted all possible scenarios of making my situation better and I can't see any way out. When I've reached out for help from people who I know it's all, "Go to therapy." I've been to fucking therapy, I know what therapy has to offer, and my life is intolerable. For multiple reasons, none of which I can change or control.

It's just overwhelming to actually do what I need to do to CTB. I'm using an exit bag and that means going out and buying crap and putting it together, and I've got to get my affairs in order-ish - nothing major, just getting rid of crap that I need to get rid of and not leaving everything a total dumpster fire for someone else to deal with.

I really wish that I would have accepted the situation for what it was sooner and started doing all of this sooner, when I was in better shape.

Being abandoned when you're in crisis can be deadly.

I don't know what it is about having an emotional or life crisis that makes those you thought cared about you run as fast as they can in the opposite direction of you but they do.

You're not asking anyone to be your personal psychiatrist. You're asking for some understanding, space to breathe, stability and a stable place to stay or a stable place to be in and that alone could've help put you on the road to healing and help in getting your life on track.

It's funny, it's ironic.

Those of us who have the type of issues who bring to places like SS and who have the sensitivity and the sense of empathy and perception that bring us to the levels of depression and suicidal feelings are usually the first ones people call when they need someone to listen to them and we're the type of people who are the first to respond when someone is having an emotional crisis and yet are completely abandoned when we need help and support.

I've been coping with the after effects of recuperating from heart failure, caregiver burnout and the clinical depression that goes along with it and now seizures all by myself for the past 10 months.

My living situation is not stable as far as having a security. I've been suicidal for years with the my anxiety, clinical depression and desire to commit suicide having become especially intense over these past 10 months.

I moved to an isolated, rural area years ago to keep my mother company after my father's death and wound up becoming her caregiver when she was able-minded and able-bodied because I allowed her to guilt me into staying with her when she knew this arrangement only benefitted her and made me unhappy.

The years drained my emotional resources and the more she aged and went into decline the more my life and empty emotional resources centered only around her and her needs and my two brothers and sister (my other sister died by suicide in 2019) pretty much abandoned the both of us (that happens to caregivers all the time).

Since my heart failure my brother has taken over caring for my mother in the final stages of her life. With the help of his adult children and hospice care nurse wife. Help, support and assistance I never had for the past 16 years (but that doesn't stop him taking swipes at me and making me feel guilty and ashamed).

So I'm left with my mental health issues, isolation and abandonment, an out-of-date resume and a crappy yet competitive small town job market.

Like you, I've reached out to the only three people in the world who can help me. And what I mean by help is listening once in a while, gaining an understanding of where I'm coming from at least not sabotage my efforts to try and build a life and create a means to support myself.

Finding a way to support yourself when you are dealing with severe anxiety, clinical depression, PTSD, seizures and severe type two diabetes, where you're thirsty all the time and after drinking water you need to the bathroom about ten minutes later, is not easy.

The weeks and months of a silent phone, alone afraid, reaching out every now and again with a sad sense of hope only to be pushed away and shut down.

I'm done worrying about the effect my catching the bus will have on those who don't care. Like you, I wish I had caught the bus months ago.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Maybe it will help you to do small things and to do them little by little. If it goes well there. You again confidence.

Of course, such a situation is difficult - especially if you have no one who really wants to/can help you.

Yeah, I can see the wisdom in that. I'm at a place where it's just hard to force myself to do anything beyond the most basic of self-care, and anything that involves going outside or going anywhere is a problem because of the stalking situation I'm dealing with. It's just...hard to make myself do anything other than keep staying alive.

You're not asking anyone to be your personal psychiatrist. You're asking for some understanding, space to breathe, stability and a stable place to stay or a stable place to be in and that alone could've help put you on the road to healing and help in getting your life on track.

That's a brutal situation you're in, I'm sorry. I haven't worked in a year and a half now and I'm not even trying to find a job, it's not even a possibility with the way that my stalker harassed me at my last couple of jobs. I don't even know what I'd be capable of doing at this point, I've got a screwy resume and my PTSD is pretty bad, plus the massive employment gap, I've been living off of savings but I'm pretty much wiped out.

I'm isolating from other people and not reaching out for support like maybe I could, but people just don't understand what excruciating pressure I'm under. And like, I can't tell them what they want to hear, which is that everything is "better." I've only got one family member who I talk to and she's been going through a lot of stuff herself and has some neurological issues going on, so she's not really herself. And she just wants to talk about herself. I have a good friend who's empathetic but again, is dealing with his own stuff and I feel like I'm just burdening him. He doesn't live nearby and there's not a crapload he can do to help.

And I'm reluctant to talk about the situation with a lot of people because it's just fucking exhausting, people want to "solve" an unsolvable situation. I've been targeted by someone who has no conscience and who is relentless and obsessive. I've done what I can do to deal with it, I've explored literally every option I have.

I've got chronic health stuff too which just adds another layer to everything. There is no future for me. My future is gone. I've lost a friend to suicide, I understand that it does hurt other people, but I can't continue to live. I barely can make it through huddling in bed all day.

 

[toforigivelife]

I don't know how to get myself together enough and keep going long enough to get it all set up and get my affairs in order. I've been putting off going down this road in the hopes that something would change, and it has - I've broken down more. My functionality is gone, I'm just pretty much gritting my teeth to survive being alive. And actually, I broke a crown on one of my molars this week from grinding my teeth while I slept, I guess.

I don't know. I've exhausted all possible scenarios of making my situation better and I can't see any way out. When I've reached out for help from people who I know it's all, "Go to therapy." I've been to fucking therapy, I know what therapy has to offer, and my life is intolerable. For multiple reasons, none of which I can change or control.

It's just overwhelming to actually do what I need to do to CTB. I'm using an exit bag and that means going out and buying crap and putting it together, and I've got to get my affairs in order-ish - nothing major, just getting rid of crap that I need to get rid of and not leaving everything a total dumpster fire for someone else to deal with.

I really wish that I would have accepted the situation for what it was sooner and started doing all of this sooner, when I was in better shape.

What's left of my family, or of those who I share DNA with, as I've come to think of them, are all well aware that I've been in crisis for close to a year.

A little while back I got to to the point where I finally told my brother that I was not doing well mentally or emotionally.

I told him of all of the household responsibilities I had taken care of, confirmed that he had all the needed information in order to turn the house over for foreclosure, etc.

I told him that I would be bringing him two signed checks when I came for my monthly visit with my mother so that he would not be financially compromised if I ctb or when my mother dies.

Two and a half weeks later, no phone call, nothing, the usual complete lack of contact.

This was not a manipulative move for sympathy. This was a genuine means of making my death as easy on him and the others as possible.

I told him, as I've been telling him for almost a year, that I'm not well, I haven't been well for a long time and that I wanted him to know that my ending my life was no one's fault and that it is my decision.

I don't want them or anyone else to be hurt by my death. I just want them to let me go in peace and be okay after I'm gone.

I know how sick I am and how much I want to leave this life.

I guess making payment arrangements with a sibling in the event of my suicide and that not phasing aforementioned sibling should reassure me that my passing will not be a devastating blow for them.

I should be angry but I appreciate the sense of freedom.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. I understand it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless. When you are struggling, it can be difficult when you have tasks you need to do. I think therapy only helps certain people, depending on what they are going through and it can do nothing for others. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[hockeymum9999]

Being abandoned when you're in crisis can be deadly.

I don't know what it is about having an emotional or life crisis that makes those you thought cared about you run as fast as they can in the opposite direction of you but they do.

You're not asking anyone to be your personal psychiatrist. You're asking for some understanding, space to breathe, stability and a stable place to stay or a stable place to be in and that alone could've help put you on the road to healing and help in getting your life on track.

It's funny, it's ironic.

Those of us who have the type of issues who bring to places like SS and who have the sensitivity and the sense of empathy and perception that bring us to the levels of depression and suicidal feelings are usually the first ones people call when they need someone to listen to them and we're the type of people who are the first to respond when someone is having an emotional crisis and yet are completely abandoned when we need help and support.

I've been coping with the after effects of recuperating from heart failure, caregiver burnout and the clinical depression that goes along with it and now seizures all by myself for the past 10 months.

My living situation is not stable as far as having a security. I've been suicidal for years with the my anxiety, clinical depression and desire to commit suicide having become especially intense over these past 10 months.

I moved to an isolated, rural area years ago to keep my mother company after my father's death and wound up becoming her caregiver when she was able-minded and able-bodied because I allowed her to guilt me into staying with her when she knew this arrangement only benefitted her and made me unhappy.

The years drained my emotional resources and the more she aged and went into decline the more my life and empty emotional resources centered only around her and her needs and my two brothers and sister (my other sister died by suicide in 2019) pretty much abandoned the both of us (that happens to caregivers all the time).

Since my heart failure my brother has taken over caring for my mother in the final stages of her life. With the help of his adult children and hospice care nurse wife. Help, support and assistance I never had for the past 16 years (but that doesn't stop him taking swipes at me and making me feel guilty and ashamed).

So I'm left with my mental health issues, isolation and abandonment, an out-of-date resume and a crappy yet competitive small town job market.

Like you, I've reached out to the only three people in the world who can help me. And what I mean by help is listening once in a while, gaining an understanding of where I'm coming from at least not sabotage my efforts to try and build a life and create a means to support myself.

Finding a way to support yourself when you are dealing with severe anxiety, clinical depression, PTSD, seizures and severe type two diabetes, where you're thirsty all the time and after drinking water you need to the bathroom about ten minutes later, is not easy.

The weeks and months of a silent phone, alone afraid, reaching out every now and again with a sad sense of hope only to be pushed away and shut down.

I'm done worrying about the effect my catching the bus will have on those who don't care. Like you, I wish I had caught the bus months ago.

Being abandoned when you're in crisis can be deadly.

I don't know what it is about having an emotional or life crisis that makes those you thought cared about you run as fast as they can in the opposite direction of you but they do.

You're not asking anyone to be your personal psychiatrist. You're asking for some understanding, space to breathe, stability and a stable place to stay or a stable place to be in and that alone could've help put you on the road to healing and help in getting your life on track.

It's funny, it's ironic.

Those of us who have the type of issues who bring to places like SS and who have the sensitivity and the sense of empathy and perception that bring us to the levels of depression and suicidal feelings are usually the first ones people call when they need someone to listen to them and we're the type of people who are the first to respond when someone is having an emotional crisis and yet are completely abandoned when we need help and support.

I've been coping with the after effects of recuperating from heart failure, caregiver burnout and the clinical depression that goes along with it and now seizures all by myself for the past 10 months.

My living situation is not stable as far as having a security. I've been suicidal for years with the my anxiety, clinical depression and desire to commit suicide having become especially intense over these past 10 months.

I moved to an isolated, rural area years ago to keep my mother company after my father's death and wound up becoming her caregiver when she was able-minded and able-bodied because I allowed her to guilt me into staying with her when she knew this arrangement only benefitted her and made me unhappy.

The years drained my emotional resources and the more she aged and went into decline the more my life and empty emotional resources centered only around her and her needs and my two brothers and sister (my other sister died by suicide in 2019) pretty much abandoned the both of us (that happens to caregivers all the time).

Since my heart failure my brother has taken over caring for my mother in the final stages of her life. With the help of his adult children and hospice care nurse wife. Help, support and assistance I never had for the past 16 years (but that doesn't stop him taking swipes at me and making me feel guilty and ashamed).

So I'm left with my mental health issues, isolation and abandonment, an out-of-date resume and a crappy yet competitive small town job market.

Like you, I've reached out to the only three people in the world who can help me. And what I mean by help is listening once in a while, gaining an understanding of where I'm coming from at least not sabotage my efforts to try and build a life and create a means to support myself.

Finding a way to support yourself when you are dealing with severe anxiety, clinical depression, PTSD, seizures and severe type two diabetes, where you're thirsty all the time and after drinking water you need to the bathroom about ten minutes later, is not easy.

The weeks and months of a silent phone, alone afraid, reaching out every now and again with a sad sense of hope only to be pushed away and shut down.

I'm done worrying about the effect my catching the bus will have on those who don't care. Like you, I wish I had caught the bus months ago.

Toforgive life,

Other than dealing with chronic diabetes, you could be describing my life to a tee.

I am a very educated woman that was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 30s. My depression is at all time low. I have been married to the same man for 22.5 years and have 3 teenage children. I have been in a loveless marriage for about 6 years now with no intimacy at all. My kids have been the reason that I am still breathing right now.

My work from home job is being discontinued in the next few weeks. I have sent out about 30 job applications in the last few weeks and nothing has come of it. I fight everyday to be here but I am running out of steam.

No one calls to check on me and I doubt people will kick up a fuss when I am gone, other than my children. The other reason I haven't followed through with my plan is also due to my ADHD and perfectionism. I am terrified that I won't get it right.

Hopefully I will have the courage to follow through soon.

 

[toforigivelife]

Toforgive life,

Other than dealing with chronic diabetes, you could be describing my life to a tee.

I am a very educated woman that was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 30s. My depression is at all time low. I have been married to the same man for 22.5 years and have 3 teenage children. I have been in a loveless marriage for about 6 years now with no intimacy at all. My kids have been the reason that I am still breathing right now.

My work from home job is being discontinued in the next few weeks. I have sent out about 30 job applications in the last few weeks and nothing has come of it. I fight everyday to be here but I am running out of steam.

No one calls to check on me and I doubt people will kick up a fuss when I am gone, other than my children. The other reason I haven't followed through with my plan is also due to my ADHD and perfectionism. I am terrified that I won't get it right.

Hopefully I will have the courage to follow through soon.

hockeymum9999,

God I'm sorry. So sorry.

Having teenage children on top of all that you are dealing with.

I don't blame you for feeling like you're running out of steam.

30 applications? And then to not hear back? I know how you feel. So many people know how we feel.

This political crap, this pandemic crap.

I'm done with comparing my suffering to others and then adding a thousand extra layers of guilt to my already guilty conscience.

And I hope you are done doing that kind of comparing too. It just adds more torment.

Do you think your kids will be okay without you?

Horrible question, a question that probably plagues your poor mind, but when things get down to the wire these are the ugly realities that we have to face and deal with.

Especially when those who could be helping you - and by help I mean simple things like listening or helping you see your way through things that are simple to them but are completely overwhelming to you, nothing too scary or strenuous folks - abandon you.

Would finding a new home based job that offered a comparable salary to the one that's being phased out help?

I don't know. Sometimes nothing can help.

Check out a site called Real Ways to Earn Money Online.

Not real ways to MAKE money online, but real ways to EARN money online, you'll get different results if you use the word make.

It's a good honest site, has a job opportunity section, company reviews and blog that talks about different ways to make money, really well organized blog posts on different types of jobs; jobs for introverts, jobs that don't require being on the phone all the time, companies that don't require certain types of work experience, etc.

Again, I don't know if a new job would help but if it would help you stay on your feet and possibly get out of that marriage maybe that would be a saving grace for you.

I'm sorry that you don't have anyone to turn to. Sometimes that can make a big difference. Not someone you can't stand but they're your only option, but someone who would offering you time and understanding while you're making a life transition, someone who wouldn't be miserable to live with.

I wish you had that.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through hockeymum. If I suddenly came into millions and millions of dollars I could help a lot of folks who are turning to SS for relief.

Wishing you peace and blessings, regardless of what decisions you come to. Peace and blessings and respect for whatever decision you come to. Truly wishing you the best.