Venting I feel so bad about my family

[ppyppyppy]

Earlier yesterday I kinda crashed out on my mom who happened to be home. Told her I wanted to die. Straight up. That I had these thoughts since I was small, the whole history of it. She just blamed it on demons and whatnot. Wondering where she went wrong, because X's daughter is not like this despite her parents being shit, while I always got treated well and ended up like that. I told her it wasn't her fault. It was no one's fault but mine. It all delved into a panic attack, took some medication, fell asleep, woke up then made a thread last night. No one answered, that's fine, and I knew dying from what I have available would be unlikely anyway - please correct me if wrong, because I made a decision already and am just looking for a method I can handle without chickening out.

I just took some xanax with alcohol to fall asleep (no intention of suicide, more akin to self harm). Higher dose than usual and it just made me very ill. Parents woke up to me vomiting. My limbs felt numb. I didn't go to the ER despite their suggestion. It wasn't needed, I knew it wasn't and I'd just go there to get shit from the busy staff. I just rode it out and lied to them about eating something bad but they saw the entire bottle of alcohol gone and questioned me about it and the empty tablet. They had a hunch. After vomiting a lot I felt physically better and fell asleep.

This morning they bring me my favorite breakfast snack. Dad said he loved me. It should make me feel better but I just hate myself more. I still want to die. I wish they hated me instead. I don't know what wrong they have done in their past lives, if that's a thing, to have a daughter like me.

I ate to make them happy but even the thought of nourishing this body disgusts me. I genuinely don't want to live anymore. I'm really done with it all. For the longest time they were my only reason for not ending it all but now that I'm a burden to them and causing them such trouble I've decided it's time to take the trash out already. My siblings have none of these thoughts and are happily in relationships and employed, maybe they'll even get a grandchild too, so surely everyone will be fine. But they don't deserve it. I don't know what to do to make it easier on them. Would moving and going no contact for a few months help?

 

[4Das]

i feel something similar and I have a story to tell to the last part.
when I was 12 years old I was distancing myself from my mom as much as I could, hoping my death would affect her less.
I did that for many months and barley talked to her, barley came out of my room.
she knew something was off for the past months but I didn't talk about my suicide plan to anyone, not even online.
I gave her a last hug and said goodbye as I had to "go to school", it was just a casual goodbye from a son that's going to school.
tho I was planning to end my life in about 2 hours from them.
I was on my way to the spot I wanted to kill myself at when I got a message from my mom, saying something along the lines of "it felt like a goodbye forever. I'm so scared of losing you rn, please tell me everythings fine"
that's when I noticed no distancing in the world could make it hurt her less so I told her everythings fine and went to school casually that day and acted as if nothing ever happend, only years later I told her about this.
I honestly don't think cutting ties with her will make it hurt less, tho it's up to you if you want to try or not, you know your loved ones best after all

I also feel something similar, I'm thinking of ending my life this month but I feel horrible for leaving my mom behind like that, she will never be okay again, I just hope she won't end her own life.