Venting I feel scared as the day gets closer

[cowboypants]

It's only 24-26 hours left for my planned CTB thingy. I feel grim about my situation. It's hard to imagine my family without me. I'm not close with them emotionally still. I have lived with my parents all my life. Not more than a week outside of home.

But my dad especially is extremely toxic and is also possesive ig. I used to hate him in my childhood and still do. But they have what kept me alive despite me being like a NEET. Which is a double edged sword ig.

I haven't been close with anyone in the last 6 years. After a slew of bad friendships. I'm too socially anxious and isolated to lift myself out of this. I can't anyway keep on going like this. But God I wish it was easier to do

 

[idontfeellikeimreal]

It's only 24-26 hours left for my planned CTB thingy. I feel grim about my situation. It's hard to imagine my family without me. I'm not close with them emotionally still. I have lived with my parents all my life. Not more than a week outside of home.

But my dad especially is extremely toxic and is also possesive ig. I used to hate him in my childhood and still do. But they have what kept me alive despite me being like a NEET. Which is a double edged sword ig.

I haven't been close with anyone in the last 6 years. After a slew of bad friendships. I'm too socially anxious and isolated to lift myself out of this. I can't anyway keep on going like this. But God I wish it was easier to do

If you are unsure, please take some time to think about it again, especially if you are feeling scared. I understand that you are in pain, and all of us will support your decision.

Don't proceed if you think you might regret it.

I understand that those bad friendships might have made it hard to trust people again. It isn't easy to get used to talking to people, and I know that small talk isn't as easy as everyone says it is.

If you haven't been close to anyone so far, have you tried making friends online? It might not be the same, but it will probably make you feel less lonely.

 

[waterworks]

It's only 24-26 hours left for my planned CTB thingy. I feel grim about my situation. It's hard to imagine my family without me. I'm not close with them emotionally still. I have lived with my parents all my life. Not more than a week outside of home.

I don't know if it's possible to ctb with absolutely no regrets, the line between survival instinct and genuine uncertainty is too thin for my eyes. But I relate to you, I'm not as close to my day but months hardly feel like much now. I can't say what's the right way to deal with that fear, and it's easy to tell you, "well if you doubt yourself then don't do it". But I also know nothing comes without some regrets, holding on to one thing can mean letting go of another.

I think that fear will be with you to the end. It might be worst at the final moment. Rather than trying to escape it, think of something that brings you comfort. For me it's wanting to finally be at peace, or meet the root and ground of being and just be where I belong. Fantasizing about this keeps my mind off the fear. But honestly, whatever you decide I think this works, for life or death. To move your conscious mind away from thoughts brought on by fear, and actively imagine what means love and wholeness to you; regardless of how impossible you think it is.

But my dad especially is extremely toxic and is also possesive ig. I used to hate him in my childhood and still do. But they have what kept me alive despite me being like a NEET. Which is a double edged sword ig.

I haven't been close with anyone in the last 6 years. After a slew of bad friendships. I'm too socially anxious and isolated to lift myself out of this. I can't anyway keep on going like this. But God I wish it was easier to do

As far as people you know, moments are fleeting, so is life. I've had my share of toxic family and relationships. Oddly I also "miss" people I once despised and who beat me when I was down. I feel connections I don't fully understand, to people I don't have any interest in being around. Whether it's my mind being so alone for so long that I'm holding on to the smallest interactions, or something more, I realize that regardless of when I die, everyone I know will soon be gone. All the mess of regret, unspoken feelings, wishing for more, will be as if it never existed.


Just like before I was born. Nothing existed for me, and just as nothing ever was and there was no one to regret it, so too is what's coming for all of us. So, whatever point I leave life, it is whole and not worth worrying over

 

[cowboypants]

If you are unsure, please take some time to think about it again, especially if you are feeling scared. I understand that you are in pain, and all of us will support your decision.

Don't proceed if you think you might regret it.

I understand that those bad friendships might have made it hard to trust people again. It isn't easy to get used to talking to people, and I know that small talk isn't as easy as everyone says it is.

If you haven't been close to anyone so far, have you tried making friends online? It might not be the same, but it will probably make you feel less lonely.

I do have few online friends but then I often feel deserted the same way I felt offline. I hate that feeling. It feels as if the world is crushing you kinda feel.

I have tried docs and stuff so that's that. I can't take anymore hits in life

 

[Onelegman]

I understand you, partner, I have also lived almost all my life with my parents, I have depended on them and now I am a NEET, thinking about the damage and their suffering hurts, but I cannot stay as their "hostage" to prevent them from suffering. , for a long time I didn't think about myself and now I have to.

I also don't feel that there is hope and that the only way out of this suffering is ctb... you have my support in all this, I trust your determination and I hope that we both meet on the other side (not in another life because the end will be the same, for me at least) I won't be able to help but think of that macho cowboy when I'm struggling to breathe

 

[cowboypants]

I slept for less than 6 hours, woke up too early. I feel sleepy tired. I will try to catch some sleep after lunch. Ughh prolly i should take anti anxiety pills

 

[Placo]

Stay calm and remember that no one forces you to die just as no one forces you to live, we have to choose between life and death, there are no alternatives.

Days ago I thought it would be interesting if suicidal people could be put into a medically induced coma while waiting for better treatments available, someone like this would be suspended between life and death.

 

[dopaminedeath]

How are you going? Are you taking SN at home?

 

[cowboypants]

How are you going? Are you taking SN at home?

I'm not doing it today. Yeah I will be doing at home

 

[wastingpotential]

the way we are told everyone moves at a different pace in life, the same goes for our deaths.
if you're having doubts, or the anxiety is too much. please take a step back and reconsider your options for the time being.

death awaits all of us even if most here are eager to meet it, the time will pass anyways whether you get through this or not.

regardless, i wish you well and at least a few moments of tranquility in your journey.

 

[cowboypants]

the way we are told everyone moves at a different pace in life, the same goes for our deaths.
if you're having doubts, or the anxiety is too much. please take a step back and reconsider your options for the time being.

death awaits all of us even if most here are eager to meet it, the time will pass anyways whether you get through this or not.

regardless, i wish you well and at least a few moments of tranquility in your journey.

I will likely wait for one more month and see. Apart from that think I have high affinity to life experiences still which is making it hard for me to execute.

And i think I don't need to rush at this juncture but sometimes I wish I wasn't alive.

 

[LifeIsBS]

take your time man, and i also feel scared, when i lose my motivation to ctb, like few days ago i was so ready but situation didn't allowed me, and now i might get a chance soon but i am not "motivated" enough and anxious/scared is all i feel.