It's only 24-26 hours left for my planned CTB thingy. I feel grim about my situation. It's hard to imagine my family without me. I'm not close with them emotionally still. I have lived with my parents all my life. Not more than a week outside of home.
I don't know if it's possible to ctb with absolutely no regrets, the line between survival instinct and genuine uncertainty is too thin for my eyes. But I relate to you, I'm not as close to my day but months hardly feel like much now. I can't say what's the right way to deal with that fear, and it's easy to tell you, "
well if you doubt yourself then don't do it". But I also know nothing comes without some regrets, holding on to one thing can mean letting go of another.
I think that fear will be with you to the end. It might be worst at the final moment. Rather than trying to escape it, think of something that brings you comfort. For me it's wanting to finally be at peace, or meet the root and ground of being and just be where I belong. Fantasizing about this keeps my mind off the fear. But honestly, whatever you decide I think this works, for life or death. To move your conscious mind away from thoughts brought on by fear, and actively imagine what means love and wholeness to you; regardless of how impossible you think it is.
But my dad especially is extremely toxic and is also possesive ig. I used to hate him in my childhood and still do. But they have what kept me alive despite me being like a NEET. Which is a double edged sword ig.
I haven't been close with anyone in the last 6 years. After a slew of bad friendships. I'm too socially anxious and isolated to lift myself out of this. I can't anyway keep on going like this. But God I wish it was easier to do
As far as people you know, moments are fleeting, so is life. I've had my share of toxic family and relationships. Oddly I also "miss" people I once despised and who beat me when I was down. I feel connections I don't fully understand, to people I don't have any interest in being around. Whether it's my mind being so alone for so long that I'm holding on to the smallest interactions, or something more, I realize that regardless of when I die, everyone I know will soon be gone. All the mess of regret, unspoken feelings, wishing for more, will be as if it never existed.
Just like before I was born. Nothing existed for me, and just as nothing ever was and there was no one to regret it, so too is what's coming for all of us. So, whatever point I leave life, it is whole and not worth worrying over
