Venting i feel sad because i have no life and talking about it makes people think i'm complaining about how easy i have it

[eggsausagerice]

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i thought about killing myself again this morning. i'm still thinking about how i could kill myself later tonight if i really wanted to. i just don't want to feel lonely and insecure anymore. i feel sad when no one texts me but i have nothing interesting or worthwhile to read when someone does text me. i barely see people in person. i spent most of yesterday doomscrolling grindr because i have no one that wants to talk to me. then guys that were probably insecure as me asked me why i wasn't messaging them back when i was just mindlessly scrolling through their messages. one of them said sorry that he was ugly and i felt bad. i figure that i must really be a loser instead of the cool and interesting person people try to tell me i am. i feel like i worst person i can know at any given time and i just want to block people or buy them things because i don't know what i can do to be someone they like. i end up so stressed out about it that it seems easier to be alone again, but then i can't deal with being by myself. it just feels unlivable if i keep thinking about how everyone probably sees me and useless and boring. i hate the way this feels. i have a really strong desire to disappear completely that i don't know how to verbalize in my suicide notes. i just feel embarrassed of myself. i'm tired of people thinking i'm a stupid privileged young person for wanting to die because i can't cope with having such a meaningless life. i'm tired of lying about being in college when i've been planning my suicide for months. i really wish i was interesting enough so that people would like me more. there's nothing i can do.

 

[morina]

Yeah I feel similar. Just like a boring and irrelevant person. I hate having to lie about having hobbies to have things to talk about. I am unable to participate in human connection, yet I desire it so much. It doesn't make sense. I often find myself scrolling through discord chats, just lurking the conversations of other people, continuously thinking how I could participate, arriving at the conclusion that I can't. Most people I talk to probably just tolerate me out of pity.

Sorry, I cannot say anything to try to comfort or help you, just share my own experiences...