Venting I feel my recovery is pointless, I’m destined to end my life.

[25jiyuki]

This year I've worked so hard to be in recovery. I got therapy, put on medication, and found close friends to talk to. All of it is meaningless, isn't it?

After all that, all it takes is a small reminder of my trauma, and I relapse again. I want to die. I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Going back and forth from suicidal to genuinely wanting to recover. It's hell. I feel like past versions of myself have died multiple times in my life already. What's the point of trying to appreciate living?

After all this work I've done on myself, killing myself is still the final path. That's where everything I've done can lead to, just because of a trigger. How cruel is that? Why does this kind of pain exist? I'm so sick of myself..

Maybe I should just get it over with. All the people who've supported me so far would get over it. I'm sure, I am company easy to replace. There's so much heaviness in my chest I feel like I'm being crushed. It's too cruel to go on like this. I just can't.

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

If you are easy to replace in their eyes, then those people didn't deserve you. They are less than scum.

I know, believe me I know and I wish I didn't, I go maybe a day or two without being reminded of the things that happened to me; as soon as I stop having a game to play or something to watch or if I see someone talk about a certain subject I just remember it all and sometimes it's so bad it's the first thing I think about when I wake up.

Then only rage , sadness and apathy take place and I can't, my head hurts, my muscles hurt, I want to go back to sleep and I can't , I want to cry and I can't, I want to vomit and I can't. I can't do this everyday, the anger and hopelessness is just too much. And no matter what I do it's still there in the back of my mind for the remainder of the day and the next and the next.

 

[emptymiku]

i get how you feel. also, hi mafuyu.

 

[25jiyuki]

i get how you feel. also, hi mafuyu.

Hi. I think I've seen 6-7 Nightcord icons on this site now, lol.

If you are easy to replace in their eyes, then those people didn't deserve you. They are less than scum.

I know, believe me I know and I wish I didn't, I go maybe a day or two without being reminded of the things that happened to me; as soon as I stop having a game to play or something to watch or if I see someone talk about a certain subject I just remember it all and sometimes it's so bad it's the first thing I think about when I wake up.

Then only rage , sadness and apathy take place and I can't, my head hurts, my muscles hurt, I want to go back to sleep and I can't , I want to cry and I can't, I want to vomit and I can't. I can't do this everyday, the anger and hopelessness is just too much. And no matter what I do it's still there in the back of my mind for the remainder of the day and the next and the next.

I feel exactly how you described in the last paragraph. It feels like no matter how much time passes, my past will end up killing me. I wonder why life is this way.

 

[girl interrupted]

I have the exact same feelings as you. I'm haunted by my past. By awful things done to me and awful things I have done. I just want to make it go away.

 

[Pebblesinmypocket]

This year I've worked so hard to be in recovery. I got therapy, put on medication, and found close friends to talk to. All of it is meaningless, isn't it?

After all that, all it takes is a small reminder of my trauma, and I relapse again. I want to die. I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Going back and forth from suicidal to genuinely wanting to recover. It's hell. I feel like past versions of myself have died multiple times in my life already. What's the point of trying to appreciate living?

After all this work I've done on myself, killing myself is still the final path. That's where everything I've done can lead to, just because of a trigger. How cruel is that? Why does this kind of pain exist? I'm so sick of myself..

Maybe I should just get it over with. All the people who've supported me so far would get over it. I'm sure, I am company easy to replace. There's so much heaviness in my chest I feel like I'm being crushed. It's too cruel to go on like this. I just can't.

My dad struggled his whole life. Was always threatening suicide but died by suicide at 85. It's just feels inevitable for me. However I try I always end up there again like he did.

 

[usernamesarehard]

This year I've worked so hard to be in recovery. I got therapy, put on medication, and found close friends to talk to. All of it is meaningless, isn't it?

After all that, all it takes is a small reminder of my trauma, and I relapse again. I want to die. I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Going back and forth from suicidal to genuinely wanting to recover. It's hell. I feel like past versions of myself have died multiple times in my life already. What's the point of trying to appreciate living?

Yeah I feel the same way. I went to therapy, it helped a little, but it wasn't too helpful at the time. I think some of the things I learned helped later on though. Still, I went on vacation last week and started to spiral. I think not having any purpose or direction is bad for me. I had my first day back at work tody and I actually liked it and was happy. I actually started to miss going to work after a few days away.

After all this work I've done on myself, killing myself is still the final path. That's where everything I've done can lead to, just because of a trigger. How cruel is that? Why does this kind of pain exist? I'm so sick of myself..

Maybe I should just get it over with. All the people who've supported me so far would get over it. I'm sure, I am company easy to replace. There's so much heaviness in my chest I feel like I'm being crushed. It's too cruel to go on like this. I just can't.

Yeah, I feel like ctb is going to be my end too. Even when I try to get better, I always get worse. I just don't think I was meant to live.

 

[Warriorsfan]

I was meant to live.
But now present time I'm maybe meant to ctb.

 

[cookiencream]

This year I've worked so hard to be in recovery. I got therapy, put on medication, and found close friends to talk to. All of it is meaningless, isn't it?

After all that, all it takes is a small reminder of my trauma, and I relapse again. I want to die. I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Going back and forth from suicidal to genuinely wanting to recover. It's hell. I feel like past versions of myself have died multiple times in my life already. What's the point of trying to appreciate living?

After all this work I've done on myself, killing myself is still the final path. That's where everything I've done can lead to, just because of a trigger. How cruel is that? Why does this kind of pain exist? I'm so sick of myself..

Maybe I should just get it over with. All the people who've supported me so far would get over it. I'm sure, I am company easy to replace. There's so much heaviness in my chest I feel like I'm being crushed. It's too cruel to go on like this. I just can't.

I feel like this too. I just keep flipping between wanting to "recover" and wanting to die. Atp I don't think the question is "if" I'll kill myself it is when

 

[shediedatsea]

I feel so heard. After an attempt everyone is there for you, seeking out to help you but eventually it just turns out that if people claim they care about you, they actually don't.
People claim they are there for you, but when you need them, they won't offer any support. It's a constant cycle from attempt to great support to next attempt again. I can be happy but at the end of the day, it will still remain on my mind. I so desperately want to give life a chance, but life just can't treat me well for some reason. Whenever things seem to get better, the next tragedy that will push me over the edge is awaiting me.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

This year I've worked so hard to be in recovery. I got therapy, put on medication, and found close friends to talk to. All of it is meaningless, isn't it?

After all that, all it takes is a small reminder of my trauma, and I relapse again. I want to die. I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Going back and forth from suicidal to genuinely wanting to recover. It's hell. I feel like past versions of myself have died multiple times in my life already. What's the point of trying to appreciate living?

After all this work I've done on myself, killing myself is still the final path. That's where everything I've done can lead to, just because of a trigger. How cruel is that? Why does this kind of pain exist? I'm so sick of myself..

Maybe I should just get it over with. All the people who've supported me so far would get over it. I'm sure, I am company easy to replace. There's so much heaviness in my chest I feel like I'm being crushed. It's too cruel to go on like this. I just can't.

I know you've probably heard the "you're not alone" bs a million times and it doesn't fix anything, but I do want you to know I feel the same way. Like no matter what you do, suicide is inevitable. I do hope you find peace and happiness one day. To be free from this suffering. Sorry the formatting on phone is weird I'm trying to fix this.

 

[25jiyuki]

I feel so heard. After an attempt everyone is there for you, seeking out to help you but eventually it just turns out that if people claim they care about you, they actually don't.
People claim they are there for you, but when you need them, they won't offer any support. It's a constant cycle from attempt to great support to next attempt again. I can be happy but at the end of the day, it will still remain on my mind. I so desperately want to give life a chance, but life just can't treat me well for some reason. Whenever things seem to get better, the next tragedy that will push me over the edge is awaiting me.

This is worded perfectly. It's like getting battered over and over even if you try to protect yourself. "If more horrible things are gonna happen, why should I go on living?" is what I often find myself thinking.

And yet I'm still alive, because right now life is tricking me into thinking things might be okay. I never end up okay. But as always, I'll cherish my current peace and end up hopeless in the end.

 

[sanction]

I can relate. Constantly stuck between wanting to die, yet trying so hard to recover, but lacking motivation due to it feeling so damn pointless

The deep hatred I have for my parents is constantly growing....... why the fuck did they tag me along into this bullshit existence....... now just stuck having to deal with all this meaningless bullshit without a choice. Just purely forced into this crap

So so so so tired of this life

Go through all this endless effort, just to ultimately die in the end...... WHAT A FUCKING TORTURE

Just think about how many humans and animals are suffering 24/7.... since the very first moment life ever existed on this planet, up till this current point, with simply no end in sight..........

I am just so speechless. We are all just stuck in this hell, playing this totally fake and pointless game, while clearly knowing we will all just end up dead in the end no matter how hard we try......... this is true definition of torture

 

[kopebaldy]

One step forward, two steps back. Always has been, always will be.

The only thing I try to do these days is ending this cycle.

 

[sanction]

One step forward, two steps back. Always has been, always will be.

The only thing I try to do these days is ending this cycle.

One step forward, two steps back..... is soooo accurate!!!