I feel like throwing up I fucking despise myself.

[noname223]

I don't feel like throwing up because I took poison or something like that. The reason is an exam I might have failed. For me this one my biggest fears due to my past abuse. I am sorry people thought I might have to go to prison or stuff like that. I wanted to protect my privacy but I don't want to make you believe it was life-threatening. Later in this thread I explain why I have this extreme anxiety about exams. Failing an exam triggers a lot my mental problems.

I have made a huge mistake due to overthinking. I worked SO FUCKING hard for the last 5 months and then I made a mistake which destroyed everything. I don't know the results for now. It is hypothetical. I know for sure I have made that mistake. I tried to find an excuse why I have made that. My mom says my excuses are not valid. I feel like throwing up. Today I woke up early and then suddenly I realized the fault. I have made the mistake some time ago. I don't know why I remembered it just today. It was all so sudden.

When I realized it my heart beated EXTREMELY LOUD. It was like it would break. I am feeling really really bad. If this mistake is counted as a mistake I am done. This destroys a lot. I cannot believe I have made that mistake. I despise myself. It is ironic I have made this mistake due to overthiniking. And now I am overthinking this mistake. It is not 100% sure it will have this impact. I will probably know it in some days whether I am in trouble.

I feel like puking. I fucking hate myself. I am very skilled at overthinking. I overthink a lot in my life. I hope so much it is false alarm. I cannot think about something else until I know the results. I feel like crying. I feel very unstable. I am in a very bad mental state. I cannot cope with this shit any longer. FUCK. I am going fully nuts. And for the moment it is just this hypothetical scenario. I absolutely don't know what happens when the worst case scenario comes true. The worst case scenario is not unlikely. It is maybe 50% likely.

Nothing can comfort me. I hope I don't get a stroke. Lol. My chest hurts.

 

[Someone123]

This does sound terrible, how an error in judgment or some short-term lapse from who we are trynig to be can change everything- I hope you will be ok.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

You woke up an remembered you could have made a mistake some time ago? I'm a bit confused but I won't pry.

Anxiety makes me feel downright deranged at times. I get that feel.

 

[noname223]

You woke up an remembered you could have made a mistake some time ago? I'm a bit confused but I won't pry.

Anxiety makes me feel downright deranged at times. I get that feel.

Yeah. I am also increasingly paranoid about my private life in this forum. Otherwise I would have used other words.
Yeah I made a mistake some weeks ago. But the impact or consequences of that action will only show up in the future. Had a talk with my therapist about it. He said I should contact the responsible person for it.

I am scared.

 

[Someone123]

Yeah. I am also increasingly paranoid about my private life in this forum. Otherwise I would have used other words.
Yeah I made a mistake some weeks ago. But the impact or consequences of that action will only show up in the future. Had a talk with my therapist about it. He said I should contact the responsible person for it.

I am scared.

Can you possibly offer more details without revealing too much? It's hard to try to advise without knwoing more what happened, but I can understand wanting to be very careful if there may be legal issues involved.

 

[noname223]

Can you possibly offer more details without revealing too much? It's hard to try to advise without knwoing more what happened, but I can understand wanting to be very careful if there may be legal issues involved.

Okay I say it. It might sound ridiculous but it is about an exam I had. Due to the mistake the whole exam might be invalid. I worked so damn hard for it. Every single day. I was so proud how good I was. But I think I did something wrong when writing my name.
It hurts a lot. It was such a struggle for me to learn for it. I was always on the edge of getting psychotic or manic. And now all might have been in vain. It was such a huge fight. I feel so empty...It is not fully sure whether they don't count it. It is like a 50% chance. It could go either way.

For me this was really a huge deal. After all my failures and I had A LOT of them I thought I finally had achieved something. If the exam is invalid it really breaks my heart. I am so sad and angry about myself.

 

[Nolan96]

This sounds exactly like a situation I'd find myself in. Reading your original post was giving me second-hand jitters.
I'm wishing the best for you. I hope that even if the worst happens, you have the resilience to retake the exam and fix the mistake.

 

[Someone123]

Okay I say it. It might sound ridiculous but it is about an exam I had. Due to the mistake the whole exam might be invalid. I worked so damn hard for it. Every single day. I was so proud how good I was. But I think I did something wrong when writing my name.
It hurts a lot. It was such a struggle for me to learn for it. I was always on the edge of getting psychotic or manic. And now all might have been in vain. It was such a huge fight. I feel so empty...It is not fully sure whether they don't count it. It is like a 50% chance. It could go either way.

For me this was really a huge deal. After all my failures and I had A LOT of them I thought I finally had achieved something. If the exam is invalid it really breaks my heart. I am so sad and angry about myself.

I am glad this is it and not something where you might go to prison or something- just see what happens and if there is a 50% chance it will be ok that is something. If if doesn't go your way you can recover from this- hopefully it will be ok. We'll try to encourage you here either way.

 

[noname223]

I am glad this is it and not something where you might go to prison or something- just see what happens and if there is a 50% chance it will be ok that is something. If if doesn't go your way you can recover from this- hopefully it will be ok. We'll try to encourage you here either way.

Sorry that I sound so dramatic. But for it was a huge deal. My anxiety can go through by something like that. This has to do with the abuse I had to endure. I was always beaten up when I was bad at school. Failing an exam triggers me immensely.

I am extremely neurotic and have a lot of OCD. I am always on the edge of getting nuts. Even mild stress can make me really unstable. Failing an exam is one of my biggest fears. It is completely irrational and most people can't really grasp about how I am thinking about this issue.

I took a benzo. My therapist also gave me a feedback I sound a kind of manic. I think he is right.

I think those fears are really different for different people. I don't really care whether there is WW3. I don't really give a fuck about that. But damn failing my exam I absolutely can't cope with that. Yeah this is really irrational. And kind of ridiculous. But I think those fear are partly determined with your past experiences. Your childhood and time as a teenager play a big role in that.

For me one reason for that is: I don't have any responsibility if WW3 happens. I had no influence on that. In contrast to that I am the one who responsible for the failure of my exam. This could influence my health a lot when I cannot take a break with learning. The time in college is my last chance to get a job. If I fail there is no alternative. Everything else failed.

When I finally ctb I want to look back at my life and I don't want having to blame me that my suicide happens. I want to say in all honesty that I am not the one who is guilty for that. This is very important for me.

 

[Huntfish34]

I don't quite understand but regardless,. I hope you didn't make that mistake on your exam. Hope it all works out in the end.

 

[noname223]

I don't quite understand but regardless,. I hope you didn't make that mistake on your exam. Hope it all works out in the end.

Yeah now this thread is more or less a mess. I can't edit my initial post anymore. I edited the thread in order to decrease the confusion. But I think I rather increased it. Sorry.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I don't think your feelings are irrational or ridiculous. I can understand feeling that way in your situation, especially if you have bad experiences. I'm hoping everything will be alright, or that it can be corrected. Hope there's some way out of this situation. I'm sorry you're hurting so much, I hope the benzo helps a bit.

 

[Someone123]

Yeah now this thread is more or less a mess. I can't edit my initial post anymore. I edited the thread in order to decrease the confusion. But I think I rather increased it. Sorry.

The thread isn't a mess- don't be so hard on yourself- this is a good thread. Afew hours after posting posts can't be edited, which is fine, they can be clarified in the comments below. :)

 

[Leiden]

I know how anxiety and ptsd can be and it's truly awful. I see that you are really suffering about this and I'm so sorry that this happened. Can a mistake with your name make this test invalid? Could you not explain the situation and rectify this?

 

[noname223]

I know how anxiety and ptsd can be and it's truly awful. I see that you are really suffering about this and I'm so sorry that this happened. Can a mistake with your name make this test invalid? Could you not explain the situation and rectify this?

I contacted the person. He said it will probably be no problem. This is a huge relief.

I am really sorry for all that drama. But I had huge problem to cope with the fear to have failed it. I felt extremely triggered. I tend to overthink such situations. I have the theory the abuse has caused that pressure situations especially when it is about performance are like do or die situations for me. I think my sub-consciouss thinks my life would be in danger when I have to write an exam. As if my life would be at stake.
There are some scientifical theories which would support this theory.

I had 2 psychosis due to the fear of failing at school or college. Psychosis is sometimes caused if the individual thinks he is in a life threatening situation and the person cannot escape the situation. As a child my mind must have thought my mom would threaten my life when she beated me up for failing at school. And this contributed to the nervous wreck mental state I now have.

Sorry for all the drama. I had to tell someone about my fear. Talking about it can be relieving.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. It sounds really stressful what you are going through, I can imagine it must be unbearable. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[noname223]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. It sounds really stressful what you are going through, I can imagine it must be unbearable. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you for your kind words. Many in this forum appreciate your posts!

 

[Leiden]

I contacted the person. He said it will probably be no problem. This is a huge relief.

I am really sorry for all that drama. But I had huge problem to cope with the fear to have failed it. I felt extremely triggered. I tend to overthink such situations. I have the theory the abuse has caused that pressure situations especially when it is about performance are like do or die situations for me. I think my sub-consciouss thinks my life would be in danger when I have to write an exam. As if my life would be at stake.
There are some scientifical theories which would support this theory.

I had 2 psychosis due to the fear of failing at school or college. Psychosis is sometimes caused if the individual thinks he is in a life threatening situation and the person cannot escape the situation. As a child my mind must have thought my mom would threaten my life when she beated me up for failing at school. And this contributed to the nervous wreck mental state I now have.

Sorry for all the drama. I had to tell someone about my fear. Talking about it can be relieving.

Don't you worry one bit about your post. You did the right thing by posting it. Getting it out of your mind helps and we all need a place to do that when we feel the need. You are safe here ❤
I understand you completely, even if not the same situation, the same exact reaction to a situation. It's torturous.
I'm so glad that you were able to contact someone and that it was able to give you some relief. Everything is going to be just fine.