Venting I feel like the end is near… involuntarily

[nomotels1443]

Every day that passes I feel my sanity drain away. At this point, I have been miserable for so long it has damaged my brain. I don't know if I'll ever recover. I sometimes worry that I will completely lose it and end up in the psych ward, which is the last place I want to be. They don't help me. They won't help me. All the meds and therapy in the world couldn't save me. What else are they going to do except make me feel like someone I'm not?
I fear I may end my life out of impulse. I know if I found a gun lying on the floor randomly I'd instantly pick it up and shoot myself in the head. Sometimes, I feel like I'll have a breakdown and end up taking my entire bottle of SN then stabbing myself in the neck, right where my carotid artery is.
My original plan was to wait for the right time to take my SN and finally leave. But, I sense that it's coming sooner. There is only so much I can handle and my brain is turning on itself. Perhaps the end is near, and I won't have any control of it.

 

[RhapsodyinBerserk]

I understand man. You have good days then everything just fades away into hell and you realize how fucked you are. Whatever decision you make man, you'll know when the time is right and what to do.

 

[unplug]

As for me, that day is close. Just done.

 

[Unending]

I definitely know the feeling of one moment feeling relieved that you have the freedom of choosing your time and then the next moment panicking as the sense of urgency nudges you towards the edge (not sure if this is what you're talking about but I thought it was something along the lines of this). As glad as I am for there to be a way out for me, it sure doesn't help the fits of intensified psychological pain that make me wish I could get it over with now.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it does sound like you've suffered a lot, to me psych wards certainly do sound like horrific places that just create more suffering, so I hope that you don't end up in there. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[bunn1bel]

I know that feeling of impending doom all too well, you're not alone. And when you have something in your reach that can be used to ctb, your mind will constantly flash back to it as you focus on that feeling… Wishing you luck, but definitely try to avoid an impulsive attempt to the best of your ability. Not just because of the increased risk of failure, but because there still may be stuff left on this Earth for you to do before you go.

 

[Mortalist]

It's a curse, really. It changes and changes, again and again. And it feels like we have no power over it.

 

[nomotels1443]

I definitely know the feeling of one moment feeling relieved that you have the freedom of choosing your time and then the next moment panicking as the sense of urgency nudges you towards the edge (not sure if this is what you're talking about but I thought it was something along the lines of this). As glad as I am for there to be a way out for me, it sure doesn't help the fits of intensified psychological pain that make me wish I could get it over with now.

Yes, that is one of the feelings I have. I feel like it is pointless in trying to salvage my life and I am just delaying the inevitable by staying alive. Feels like every more day I stay alive is just one more day I put myself in misery.

 

[nosoul]

Every day that passes I feel my sanity drain away. At this point, I have been miserable for so long it has damaged my brain. I don't know if I'll ever recover. I sometimes worry that I will completely lose it and end up in the psych ward, which is the last place I want to be. They don't help me. They won't help me. All the meds and therapy in the world couldn't save me. What else are they going to do except make me feel like someone I'm not?
I fear I may end my life out of impulse. I know if I found a gun lying on the floor randomly I'd instantly pick it up and shoot myself in the head. Sometimes, I feel like I'll have a breakdown and end up taking my entire bottle of SN then stabbing myself in the neck, right where my carotid artery is.
My original plan was to wait for the right time to take my SN and finally leave. But, I sense that it's coming sooner. There is only so much I can handle and my brain is turning on itself. Perhaps the end is near, and I won't have any control of it.

So sorry u feel like this, I feel same way after abusing dmt I can't eat or sleep I'm wasting away, I have no bodily awareness now like those really bad psych patients. I'd rather ctb than spend time there. I have my SN, need AE, but I'd like to go soon.