1012512
wound-up
- Jan 20, 2024
- 18
that's the best way i can describe it, and i feel shame for it. throughout my experience of being a transfeminine individual on the internet, ive felt that if i'm not particularly careful in curating my online space i'm bound to be bombarded with the "41%" statistic constantly thrown around in association with transgender suicide attempts. i've never seen this statistic cited in anything but bad faith, to put down people i care about and consider my community, my siblings. whenever i see people say those things, even to trans people with no intent to die, i feel guilty knowing that by wishing to CTB i inadvertently contribute to that number.
i honestly wouldn't even say there is a link between my gender identity and my intent to die - the former is simply just a part of me that exists, and id more accurately attribute the latter to my life experiences and the sheer pain i find myself in every day physically and mentally. but even with this knowledge, i know in the eyes of the public majority, my death will be much quicker explained away by saying it was simply an inevitability for me due to my identity. i cant help but feel guilty in my decision due to this: i dont want to be made an example for other trans people in the world who still have lives to live, still have reasons to keep going.
honestly, this is one of the few things that has kept me from CTB for this long. if and when i do die, i want people to truly understand what pushed me to this point, and i want people in my community who still have a will to live to get the chance to without having my pain indirectly pushed onto them. do any other trans people on here feel this way, and have you found a way to make this shame subside?
i honestly wouldn't even say there is a link between my gender identity and my intent to die - the former is simply just a part of me that exists, and id more accurately attribute the latter to my life experiences and the sheer pain i find myself in every day physically and mentally. but even with this knowledge, i know in the eyes of the public majority, my death will be much quicker explained away by saying it was simply an inevitability for me due to my identity. i cant help but feel guilty in my decision due to this: i dont want to be made an example for other trans people in the world who still have lives to live, still have reasons to keep going.
honestly, this is one of the few things that has kept me from CTB for this long. if and when i do die, i want people to truly understand what pushed me to this point, and i want people in my community who still have a will to live to get the chance to without having my pain indirectly pushed onto them. do any other trans people on here feel this way, and have you found a way to make this shame subside?
