lastappleonearth
Слёзы на щеках
- Jun 11, 2026
- 628
If I would've been actually dead the past couple of years, then that wouldn't have made such a big difference, because I don't really live anyway. Well at least I don't think that you can truly call this "living", I merely just exist, solely on my own and for myself. I've made no lasting impact while being here, none whatsoever. Idk if everything has always been this bland, but it is now. It's like all the colours have disappeared and my whole world is grey. No friends, well almost none, no relationships and like I get it, there's nothing that interesting about me, in general I am just a pretty bland and boring person I guess. I always think of someone, but no one ever thinks of me, I'm just there as some sort of a background character. I never thought that I could ever be this profoundly alone, with no one to call, no one to text, no one to go to or talk to. The only thing I have are some distant memories of connection, which I'm trying to hold onto, but they're still slowly fading away. I just feel like nothing, I don't mean that much to anyone and I don't have anyone, who's close to me. I wish I could go back in time 3-4 years and choose differently, make different decisions with the knowledge of how I ended up where I'm now, but obviously I can't. I keep thinking that it must be exciting to have connections, to be close to someone, looking forward to speaking with someone or being with someone. Those are all normal experiences, which shouldn't be so far out of reach, but for me they now are. I dislike myself so much, I am genuinely starting to believe that it's just meant to be this way for me
