Venting i feel like i’m just using him

[Awesomefoid67]

like what if i don't really care about him but just that he like makes me feel better i feel like a selfish demon i know i do love him but idk my brain won't shut up i hate it i hate it i hate it. it feels like my brains main job in life is to find new ways to like try and make me feel bad. i want him to kill me so this stops.

i had some diazepam as prn so hopefully i feel a bit better soon (the nurse was a bitch though) but like idk i hate this i cant take this random torture from my brain any more

 

[Argo]

Are you a selfish demon? Do you want to be? It can be really tough to ask those questions with good intention, openness and honesty in the privacy of our minds when we are dealing with so many conflicting feelings of self hatred. What works for me is turning the negative emotion into something like curiousity. So if I feel anxiety or self-hatred about something I turn it into bewilderment instead. Like, "Oh *wow*, I acted that way? That is incredible! That's amaaaaazing. That's so *interesting* that I did that thing. Hmm, what do I even think about that?" Like imagine how a child would be, with just totally innocent, enthusiastic curiosity. That helps me a ton

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

like what if i don't really care about him but just that he like makes me feel better i feel like a selfish demon i know i do love him but idk my brain won't shut up i hate it i hate it i hate it. it feels like my brains main job in life is to find new ways to like try and make me feel bad. i want him to kill me so this stops.

i had some diazepam as prn so hopefully i feel a bit better soon (the nurse was a bitch though) but like idk i hate this i cant take this random torture from my brain any more

You seem to be genuinely distressed by these thoughts. That, to me at least, indicates that you're not a selfish demon. A truly selfish person wouldn't be bothered by these thoughts.

In depression, the brain often does subconscious self-sabotage as a way to handle things it perceives as threats. I've dealt with this extensively and, honestly, I'm still working through my own maladaptive patterns, but knowing it's more of a glitch rather than a moral failing helps me.