Venting I feel like I'm insane

[iamlola]

I'm 20, autistic and have BPD, I was bullied my entire life and never understood why this world hates me so much. I had decided I would kill myself, but then I found my partner, we had a great relationship for a few months but he cheated on me, I won't explain the whole story but it was with his ex and he also "tried" to kill me. He didn't actually tried, he just chocked me, I didn't fight back and I'm still here, I truly wish he killed me that day because it wouldn't require much effort for me to finally be gone forever. I said I forgive him and I have been abusive towards him, as a form of revenge, I guess. I said I would keep living for him but he's just an awful person, I'm mad and I don't want to keep doing it for someone that betrayed me, but I can't leave because it's like I'm addicted and I feel bad because he'll feel guilty. It's funny how I care about someone that was so horrible to me, but how do I ignore the only reason I still had to be alive? Our relationship was complicated, we are both addicted and suicidal... I sometimes wish we both died. I think I'm gonna propose to him that we do it together because he always says he wants to die. I just hate being neurodivergent.

 

[Dr. Henjin]

You very well might be. I am too. Insane is defined as "in a state of mind which prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill." Which I think is how most of the people who find their way here feel.

People don't understand insanity doesn't have to mean you're completely gone and babbling incoherently or violently homicidal or something. It's a wide spectrum of mental states. I hope you can find peace whether you decide to stay or go.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

You very well might be. I am too. Insane is defined as "in a state of mind which prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill." Which I think is how most of the people who find their way here feel.

People don't understand insanity doesn't have to mean you're completely gone and babbling incoherently or violently homicidal or something. It's a wide spectrum of mental states. I hope you can find peace whether you decide to stay or go.

dude I agree so much with you. I also think me being mentally ill and not being in the normal state of mind technically makes me insane already. I don't need to run outside naked or shoot up a school to be considered insane