I feel like I'm falling apart again

[Ranni]

Hi everyone, I feel a bit silly posting this because I'm not exactly active on here, but I feel like I need to vent because eveything feels so shitty right now. In the past, I've had multiple depressive episodes, but I do my best to pull through. However, this past year I've been through some stressful and upsetting things, and I feel like I may not be able to pull myself out this time. In the past year, I was SA'd at a bar (which brought back a lot of trauma from when I was SA'd as a child), lost two of my closest friends, had a suicide attempt and ended up in the psych hospital for awhile, and had to take care of my grandma with dimentia by myself. Me and my grandma were always close when I was younger, so seeing her like thaty was not easy. Throughout all this, I had one person in my life who helped me, my boyfriend. But, recently, my boyfriend decided to end things with me. Me and him had some issues in the past we were trying to overcome, and I guess he decided it wasn't going to work out after all, and dumped me. What made the blow even harder was he dumped me immediately after I got back home from taking care of my grandma, and was already really stressed and upset. It was also pretty out of left field, since I thought things were actually really improving between us recently, I thought we had a future. I guess the stress of the past year is finally starting to take a toll on me, and I'm totally crumbling. This is the worst I've felt since my last suicide attempt. LIke I said, I have clinical depression and have had depressive episodes in the past, but I'm seriously starting to think, is it even worth the effort to pull myself out this time? I feel like my life has just been an endless cycle of hurt and disappointment. Anyway, thanks to anyone who read all this, and sorry if it was hard to understand, I'm hella wasted rn lol

 

[BojackHorseman]

Im so sorry your having to go through so much. I had a great grandmother with dementia as well, so I have seen how challenging that can be. Your a kind soul to take care of her, I know its not easy. Im sorry I dont have any sage advice to give. All I can think is can you find someone to help with your grandma? Like doesnt social services or someone help find in-home care for the elderly? Maybe having some help with her would give you time to help yourself. I know that caregivers sometimes get caught up in caring for others and forget themselves. I wish you the best.

 

[Ranni]

Im so sorry your having to go through so much. I had a great grandmother with dementia as well, so I have seen how challenging that can be. Your a kind soul to take care of her, I know its not easy. Im sorry I dont have any sage advice to give. All I can think is can you find someone to help with your grandma? Like doesnt social services or someone help find in-home care for the elderly? Maybe having some help with her would give you time to help yourself. I know that caregivers sometimes get caught up in caring for others and forget themselves. I wish you the best.

We actually were able to get her into a nursing home. We wanted to get her 24/7 caretakers, but we just can't afford it, and she lives in an area without many options. Thankfully the nursing home we got her into is a really nice one, but it was hard seeing her in there, as she's in the memory care unit. She's in the early stages of it, but many of the others there were much worse off. Thankfully she's very social and has made some friends there, and has a lot of friends visiting her. I wish I could myself but I live very, very far away, I was only taking care of her temporarily. I also had to help move her into her nursing home, which was a stressful ordeal too lol. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother also =(

 

[BojackHorseman]

Im glad she has made some friends there, that warms my heart Thats good for her mental health to keep her stimulated with friends.

Im sorry to hear about your boyfriend. I was one of those who always seemed to be the dumped and never the dump-er, so I had alot of trust issues and I know that can be such a difficult thing to handle. I feel like theres not really any words that can make a pain like that go away, but know that your not alone and I know it hurts.