I feel like im dying everyday

[Wakawaka]

I feel like im dying everyday and no one can save me. ive been through alot, neglect, sexual abuse, trauma, and losing everyone close to me. ive been in and out of jobs, laid off and quit, through substance abuse, through hospitals and different medication. ive had to build my life back up and everyone who helped is no longer there. i truly feel alone everyday but managed to start over when I found a new relationship. he wasnt amazing but I loved him like he was the only thing that mattered. that didnt stop him from hurting me which he did often, but we made it 5 years. during the last few months I just couldnt take it anymore. his religion meant we couldnt be happy together, i waited for him to be comfortable with himself but i just couldnt hold out. I had this big plan that after we broke up I would finally move out my parents, start my side career as an artist and if it was meant to be maybe we would come back together when we were both in a happy place. i dont think i can do this. working is so hard right now i want to quit. i hate being in my room he was in everyday. everyday i feel like im slowing dieing. i dont enjoy anything, i dont play my games i used to everyday, i have a hard time sitting through videos. i have tried to ctb several times and every time i wanted it to happen but im fighting so hard right now. i dont want that desire to come back but i know its there. there are so many things I wanted to do haha. my favorite game is getting a big patch in a few months, i found a new manga i love. but i know in a few days im going to go back to considering a day since I already wanted to ctb by last sunday. the sn's in my closet, something told me to throw it away but i never did. the only thing keeping me together right now is getting high enough to put some youtube on in the background. i dont know what im susposed to do but i know what im goint to do.

it hurts so much i dont know what to do haha