Venting I feel like I will die soon and it wont be my choice

[Mabo]

I don't know where else to talk about this, because I don't want to have to deal with my family being sad or worried about my health. If I am going to die, I'd rather die suddenly with no one having seen it coming. I feel like my body is on the verge of failing, and though I'm trying to tell mysef it's just anxiety, I have no history of anxiety until these past few months. Nothing stressful has happened, there is no reason I should feel like this.

It feels like the pat 13+ years that I've been living with SI suddenly decided to flip a switch, and now my desire for death turned into an intense fear of it.

I sill hate the world. I hate the fact that I was ever born, but I guess my death no longer being my choice scares me.

Part of me wants to try to CTB despite the fear just so it can still be up to me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly think the best time to die is at one's own choosing and of course it's really understandable wanting to be in control of when you die, but I guess that after all we all have to cease existing someday, I could personally never see death itself as being something to be feared, I only fear this dreadful existence as there's unlimited potential to suffer, and death is the absence of all suffering. I also despise existing as well, but anyway I wish you the best, it must be tiring feeling trapped in that situation.