movinout17
Student
- Feb 2, 2023
- 113
I smoked weed a few hours ago, which I haven't smoked since I wasn't actively suicidal. I stopped because it was making me anxious/delusional.
The guilt and panic has been washing over me for the past hours. I sobbed and cried.
My family loves me so much. They are so kind. Me being alive is such a good thing to them, because they would be devastated if I were to CTB. Fuck, it's so hard.
I just wanna run away from this all. But I feel responsible for their pain and heartache afterwards. Also, my far out religious bipolar mind has been telling me that I am choosing the bad choice. Jesus died for our sins, so I don't have to be weighed down about my life's guilt, shame and pain. I feel selfishness. Someone I love might get ptsd because of me, I'm thinking of my loving dad. He's so cheerful all the time, and he's really selfless. My parents would do anything for me. My dad would help me with anything, except suicide.
But I have gone far enough in life i believe, I don't want to go on anymore. I'm tired of fantasizing about suicide every year. I'm 23 now, it started when I was 15. My life isn't great because of me, not my family, and although I'm not a bad person, I am questionable, and have done wrong things. My thoughts and feelings are intrusive and unpleasant, my bipolar, depression and anxiety are part of me, and the goodness about my life does not outweigh the suffering of living.
I believe that life can be good. I even believe that life is good, essentially. But I always struggled with being myself, and I do not want to live any longer.
I don't plan to CTB so soon, I still need all the supplies to come in.
I should've never smoked that weed.
The guilt and panic has been washing over me for the past hours. I sobbed and cried.
My family loves me so much. They are so kind. Me being alive is such a good thing to them, because they would be devastated if I were to CTB. Fuck, it's so hard.
I just wanna run away from this all. But I feel responsible for their pain and heartache afterwards. Also, my far out religious bipolar mind has been telling me that I am choosing the bad choice. Jesus died for our sins, so I don't have to be weighed down about my life's guilt, shame and pain. I feel selfishness. Someone I love might get ptsd because of me, I'm thinking of my loving dad. He's so cheerful all the time, and he's really selfless. My parents would do anything for me. My dad would help me with anything, except suicide.
But I have gone far enough in life i believe, I don't want to go on anymore. I'm tired of fantasizing about suicide every year. I'm 23 now, it started when I was 15. My life isn't great because of me, not my family, and although I'm not a bad person, I am questionable, and have done wrong things. My thoughts and feelings are intrusive and unpleasant, my bipolar, depression and anxiety are part of me, and the goodness about my life does not outweigh the suffering of living.
I believe that life can be good. I even believe that life is good, essentially. But I always struggled with being myself, and I do not want to live any longer.
I don't plan to CTB so soon, I still need all the supplies to come in.
I should've never smoked that weed.
