Like a 75 year old man on his death bed that feels he has lived a full life so do I but I am 25.
I feel life ends past 20 years old at least to me it does mostly because I am a man-child so adult life with bills, hard educations, jobs, getting married and having children and responsibilities isn´t for me. I loved the happiness and carelessness of childhood and I loved the excitement and freedom of teenage years. I had so many happy experiences and adventures as a child everything was so much fun and exciting I had a ton of friends, was semi spoiled so I had plenty of toys and video games, I went on family vacations almost every summer at one point so I have visited a lot of countries I have a loving family and brothers that felt more like best friends I never felt like some other kids´ who hated their siblings I couldn´t relate to that because my brother´s were some of my best friends and we had so much fun together with playing video games, playing outside with stick using our imagination on many different adventures of course along with my best friend and other friends too, we climbed trees, ripped our clothes so they needed patches like I had on almost all my pants we got scrapes because we were children and lived as boys did back in the day so of course we ripped our clothes, got scrapes, got dirty, grass stains etc. just good times.
Pre teens and early teens, such an amazing time just before I got depression and suicidal thought we had so much fun mostly playing video games and playng A LOT of Airsoft, my brothers, me and our friends had so much fun playing this we even played airsoft war in a house on an abandoned farm where 3 of us later would get caught vandalizing the place (without our softguns just being stupid teens destroying a house that was about to get demolished anyways) Back as a young teenager you could get away with about anything because people would think "They are just kids" I am a man-child today but many of the things we did back in the day would land us in prison today or at least get fined heavily like when me my brother and a childhood friend climbed a fence into the kindergarten we used to be in as children to experience nostalgia which was my idea because already at age 13 I started to miss my childhood so I was 13 at the time we climbed that fence and the other 2 were 12 and it was Saturday and we had just been playing video games all night and decided to go outside early in the morning while the sun came up I can still to this day remember the weather the dew on the grass and plants and it was a bit chill outside but not to bad that a thin zip hoodie couldn´t handle it. I remember as we climbed that fence and walked around in the kindergarten I felt like a giant in a long lost world that was my childhood at this time at 13yo it had been 6 years since I last was in there but everything looked the same and I was overcome with this overwhelming sense of nostalgia because I missed my childhood and here I was back in my old kindergarten exactly how it was when I left it like being teleported back in time to see it once again.
I am 25 now so it wouldn´t fly today if decided to climb that fence because I am seen as an adult although I did do it last summer alone to experience nostalgia once again but they had renovated almost all of it so it was very disappointing but had I been caught it would be hard to explain that an 24 year old man as I was at the time wanted to climb into a kindergarten early in the morning although it was weekend and it was empty. I just miss being viewed as an innocent teenager who society doesn´t think is fully responsible for his actions only because I am still a teenager, you could get away with so much back in the day.
Another time in winter I can´t remember if we were kids or pre teens but somewhere in between there me and a friend and my little brother went over to the school next door where we lived it was night and the school was closed and we threw snowballs over the fence to hit cars, there was a lot of hedges/bushes and trees in the way so we could only see the cars a little through them and we had to time the throwing perfectly so the snowballs would hit just as the cars drove by. We were just boys having harmless fun throwing snowballs at cars not iceballs or heavy bricks like you probably have heard about in the news about teenagers throwing huge rocks down from bridges to highways no we weren´t retarded we just threw snowballs because it was harmless fun. We actually hit a police car with a snowball that night because we as I said we couldn´t see the cars clearly through all the brush only when the snowballs hit so when we saw the snowballs hit the police car we just took off haha so much fun.
Teenage years were when depression took hold but still there was a lot of amazing experiences and we had the extra freedom that we didn´t have as children so we could now wonder about by ourselves outside our town, I was Goth for some years and it felt awesome almost like a celibrity or infamous person at times depending on the company it was a great experience, also experiencing relationships, first kiss, sex just carefree teenage love that seemed to last forever in a time where time stood still not like today where the years fly by, and of course experiencing girlfriend´s cheated on me that wasn´t fun but it was part of life apparently.
I remember the first time I bought a gram of hash when I was almost 16 and still Goth and tried to make a joint with my little brother and some friends when we got home from the Event (A gathering for Goth´s, Emo´s, Punks, Metalheads etc.) it was so exciting but we didn´t feel much if anything at all because we put too little in the joint and none of us knew nothing about it.
Later after I turned 16 I started to smoke Hash (Cannabis/Weed) although it took me a few weeks before I learned to inhale and actually get high I have so many fun memories from when I smoked hash as a teenager I remember the sheer excitement of when I was driving down to my friends on my scooter on Friday nights ready to have a smoker party as we called them with 7 close friends one of them was my little brother. I remember the butterflies in my stomach of pure excitement and we would get so high and have so much fun watching movies, smoking, walking in a group down to the grocery store to buy muchies and laughing our asses off and we had so many jokes between ourselves many which doesn´t make sense to tell here because it wouldn´t work in english. I also remember smoking weed in my room with a childhood friend where we got high while playing GTA IV and laughing our asses off while we pushed pedestrians down from tall places in the map we could do this for hours it was so much fun.
- I had girlfriends throughout most of my teenage years also while smoking weed and we had a lot of amazing experiences that I fondly can look back upon today and miss those carefree good days back when time seemed to stand almost still, as a teenager time goes much slower than today and as a child it seems to stand almost still so I miss those amazing days.
Seriously I could go on and on about all these great experiences and adventures I have had in life and it´s doubtful anyone will even read through all this but if you did my point is just this, I have lived a full life and feel at peace with killing myself hopefully tonight just like an old man on his death bed I can truthfully say I have lived my life, sure there are several things I wanted to experience but still I have had a good and interesting life and the last 5 years has been nothing but the same day over and over again feeling no feelings at all no happiness, sadness or excitement at all just plain nothing so could my life had ended before 20 years old that would have been perfect and I would have been spared 5 years of this "life" I am in now.
