I feel like I do not belong here anymore

[Angi]

I meant to ctb today.

I reached my breaking point yesterday, slept over it for a night, prepared a convenient time window and everything else I will need to leave. I was not going to leave peacefully, but I cannot seem to prepare a nice suicide, so I was going to go with what I got. And then I did not. A friend called and insisted I spend some time with her, after I had not for quite a while. Somehow I did that instead of ending my life. I realize that this was a valid choice, it is my life after all. But now I feel like I do not belong in this world anymore. Everything is strange and distant, like people in movies when sucked into another timeline/parallel dimension or something. My life was sufficiently painful before, hence my decision to end it today, but now it feels like it is not my own pain anymore, but rather someone else's that just happened to latch onto me. I feel so out of place it is paralyzing, to the point I suspect I will not go tomorrow, either.

Can anyone relate? I see many people posting about chickening out of attempts, did someone else feel this as well? Does it go away? Or did I give up my spot to be here and simultaneously fail to go anywhere else?

 

[symphony]

Hey. Don't beat yourself up. It's okay to decide to wait a bit longer for any reason you like. And if you decide later you'd still like to catch that bus, there's nothing wrong with that, either.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it, the option to ctb is always there no matter what, and you have the right to exit this world at a time of your own choosing. There is no rush. I'm sorry that you are suffering. I have never felt like I belonged in this world, I never should have existed in the first place. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Everything is strange and distant, like people in movies when sucked into another timeline/parallel dimension or something

This reminds me a lot of dissociation. I was unoptionally dissociated for an extended period of time (months to a year) and it was really scary. Thankfully I'm 98-99% better now, it seemed to go away on its own after a while thank god.

 

[Angi]

This reminds me a lot of dissociation. I was unoptionally dissociated for an extended period of time (months to a year) and it was really scary. Thankfully I'm 98-99% better now, it seemed to go away on its own after a while thank god.

Thank you for pointing this out! Also, how did I fail to notice this? Ha.

Great to hear you are feeling better! I hope you manage to resolve whatever got you into this position in the first place!

The way I see it, the option to ctb is always there no matter what, and you have the right to exit this world at a time of your own choosing. There is no rush. I'm sorry that you are suffering. I have never felt like I belonged in this world, I never should have existed in the first place. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

I see you diligently take time to notice everyone else's suffering. This is very kind of you. I hope you find yourself subject to some kind attention, occasionally.

Hey. Don't beat yourself up. It's okay to decide to wait a bit longer for any reason you like. And if you decide later you'd still like to catch that bus, there's nothing wrong with that, either.

Will work on this mindset, it sounds so compassionate. Indeed, there is a more serious reason to stay, which wandered back into my mind as I was passing the time initially allocated for ctb. It stings too much to have been added here, though. Well spotted.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I meant to ctb today.

I reached my breaking point yesterday, slept over it for a night, prepared a convenient time window and everything else I will need to leave. I was not going to leave peacefully, but I cannot seem to prepare a nice suicide, so I was going to go with what I got. And then I did not. A friend called and insisted I spend some time with her, after I had not for quite a while. Somehow I did that instead of ending my life. I realize that this was a valid choice, it is my life after all. But now I feel like I do not belong in this world anymore. Everything is strange and distant, like people in movies when sucked into another timeline/parallel dimension or something. My life was sufficiently painful before, hence my decision to end it today, but now it feels like it is not my own pain anymore, but rather someone else's that just happened to latch onto me. I feel so out of place it is paralyzing, to the point I suspect I will not go tomorrow, either.

Can anyone relate? I see many people posting about chickening out of attempts, did someone else feel this as well? Does it go away? Or did I give up my spot to be here and simultaneously fail to go anywhere else?

Feel like a stranger. A ghost haunting the land of the living.

 

[Angi]

Feel like a stranger. A ghost haunting the land of the living.

This sounds terrible. I can relate, though it is not quite so bad. Do you know how this happened?

 

[Chiisai]

I meant to ctb today.

I reached my breaking point yesterday, slept over it for a night, prepared a convenient time window and everything else I will need to leave. I was not going to leave peacefully, but I cannot seem to prepare a nice suicide, so I was going to go with what I got. And then I did not. A friend called and insisted I spend some time with her, after I had not for quite a while. Somehow I did that instead of ending my life. I realize that this was a valid choice, it is my life after all. But now I feel like I do not belong in this world anymore. Everything is strange and distant, like people in movies when sucked into another timeline/parallel dimension or something. My life was sufficiently painful before, hence my decision to end it today, but now it feels like it is not my own pain anymore, but rather someone else's that just happened to latch onto me. I feel so out of place it is paralyzing, to the point I suspect I will not go tomorrow, either.

Can anyone relate? I see many people posting about chickening out of attempts, did someone else feel this as well? Does it go away? Or did I give up my spot to be here and simultaneously fail to go anywhere else?

Definitely. I feel you in how you describe your experience. That is why I find it difficult to step foot outside. I hope you find your peace of mind whatever path you choose. We all deserve our peace and freedom from all our troubles at some point.

 

[solisoccasus]

I meant to ctb today.

I reached my breaking point yesterday, slept over it for a night, prepared a convenient time window and everything else I will need to leave. I was not going to leave peacefully, but I cannot seem to prepare a nice suicide, so I was going to go with what I got. And then I did not. A friend called and insisted I spend some time with her, after I had not for quite a while. Somehow I did that instead of ending my life. I realize that this was a valid choice, it is my life after all. But now I feel like I do not belong in this world anymore. Everything is strange and distant, like people in movies when sucked into another timeline/parallel dimension or something. My life was sufficiently painful before, hence my decision to end it today, but now it feels like it is not my own pain anymore, but rather someone else's that just happened to latch onto me. I feel so out of place it is paralyzing, to the point I suspect I will not go tomorrow, either.

Can anyone relate? I see many people posting about chickening out of attempts, did someone else feel this as well? Does it go away? Or did I give up my spot to be here and simultaneously fail to go anywhere else?

It's okay to wait for a little while. For the perfect timing to do it. I envy you coz there's a friend that checked and wanted to spend time with you, as for me there's none.

 

[Angi]

Definitely. I feel you in how you describe your experience. That is why I find it difficult to step foot outside. I hope you find your peace of mind whatever path you choose. We all deserve our peace and freedom from all our troubles at some point.

Sad to hear this. I hope this goes away for both of us, at some point.

It's okay to wait for a little while. For the perfect timing to do it. I envy you coz there's a friend that checked and wanted to spend time with you, as for me there's none.

Read from this angle my post sounds like bragging, I have to admit. I am sorry noone disturbs your ctb plans... I know her from a shared struggle, from back in the days when my main problems felt small and bearable anough to share with people in real life. We both crossed our shared river and became friends along the way. Can you pick a surmountable problem among yours to share with people?

 

[Chiisai]

Sad to hear this. I hope this goes away for both of us, at some point.

It definitely will. Though how long, Im not sure but for some it comes quicker than others.

 

[NormaJeane]

I meant to ctb today.

I reached my breaking point yesterday, slept over it for a night, prepared a convenient time window and everything else I will need to leave. I was not going to leave peacefully, but I cannot seem to prepare a nice suicide, so I was going to go with what I got. And then I did not. A friend called and insisted I spend some time with her, after I had not for quite a while. Somehow I did that instead of ending my life. I realize that this was a valid choice, it is my life after all. But now I feel like I do not belong in this world anymore. Everything is strange and distant, like people in movies when sucked into another timeline/parallel dimension or something. My life was sufficiently painful before, hence my decision to end it today, but now it feels like it is not my own pain anymore, but rather someone else's that just happened to latch onto me. I feel so out of place it is paralyzing, to the point I suspect I will not go tomorrow, either.

Can anyone relate? I see many people posting about chickening out of attempts, did someone else feel this as well? Does it go away? Or did I give up my spot to be here and simultaneously fail to go anywhere else?

I feel like I do not belong anywhere anymore - except in death.

 

[solisoccasus]

Read from this angle my post sounds like bragging, I have to admit. I am sorry noone disturbs your ctb plans... I know her from a shared struggle, from back in the days when my main problems felt small and bearable anough to share with people in real life. We both crossed our shared river and became friends along the way. Can you pick a surmountable problem among yours to share with people?

I hope there is but seems like every single one of them forgot me and it just breaks me.

 

[whitefeather]

I meant to ctb today.

I reached my breaking point yesterday, slept over it for a night, prepared a convenient time window and everything else I will need to leave. I was not going to leave peacefully, but I cannot seem to prepare a nice suicide, so I was going to go with what I got. And then I did not. A friend called and insisted I spend some time with her, after I had not for quite a while. Somehow I did that instead of ending my life. I realize that this was a valid choice, it is my life after all. But now I feel like I do not belong in this world anymore. Everything is strange and distant, like people in movies when sucked into another timeline/parallel dimension or something. My life was sufficiently painful before, hence my decision to end it today, but now it feels like it is not my own pain anymore, but rather someone else's that just happened to latch onto me. I feel so out of place it is paralyzing, to the point I suspect I will not go tomorrow, either.

Can anyone relate? I see many people posting about chickening out of attempts, did someone else feel this as well? Does it go away? Or did I give up my spot to be here and simultaneously fail to go anywhere else?

"Suicide is one of the highest human achievements" David Whyte/davidwhyte.com Thank you. Many here go through the exact painful process you are experiencing - and it keeps repeating over and over - sometimes for years. And you are describing it very well .

 

[whatevs]

This sounds terrible. I can relate, though it is not quite so bad. Do you know how this happened?

I call it being a living corpse, to be succinct.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

This sounds terrible. I can relate, though it is not quite so bad. Do you know how this happened?

It came from disconnecting from Life… work and friends… It's like a sick day that just keeps going on

 

[Angi]

Sorry people, I spent a while in a little dark hole and only now crawled out to get back to you. Still not dead. Still alienated by life.

It definitely will. Though how long, Im not sure but for some it comes quicker than others.

It definitely will. Thank you for the reminder. Even if I never kill myself, I will die. I meant to say, though, I hope life will treat you more kindly!

I feel like I do not belong anywhere anymore - except in death.

I hope you are free from pain, wherever you are. Thank you for sharing some of our journey!

I hope there is but seems like every single one of them forgot me and it just breaks me.

Sending you a virtual hug! Maybe your friends are a little like me? I am utterly unable to keep in touch with people. I get drawn into depressed self-loathing or something, and do not call for ages. Even when I genuinely care about people. If you also care, maybe give someone a call and see what happens?

"Suicide is one of the highest human achievements" David Whyte/davidwhyte.com Thank you. Many here go through the exact painful process you are experiencing - and it keeps repeating over and over - sometimes for years. And you are describing it very well .

Tried my best. I felt so unbearbly lonely. Sharing with you guys here helped tremendously. I still got sucked into a dark hole, but it was comforting to know people have survived this kind of path, that the pain is apparently not enough to shatter the soul, even when it threatens to.

I call it being a living corpse, to be succinct.

Excellent wording. Sure felt like one. Good thing noone tried to bury me, ha! Did it pass, for you?

It came from disconnecting from Life… work and friends… It's like a sick day that just keeps going on

We need more reacts, for things like this. I am utterly lost for words. I am so sorry to hear this.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I definitely can relate. I'm feeling numb and lonely among so many people