This will probably become another long rant. My parents are so delusional. My dad completely denies the possibility that me and my sister cannot work. He rejects all the evidence and claims that could not be possible. He is such a moron. Yesterday he repeated all the time people who commit suicide cannot be smart because the chose to ctb. I told him that he is pretty ignorant. I gave him the definition of ignorance and he is too stupid for self-awareness so there is no benefit in discussing things with him. At least he gives me money but when my parents will retire this all will become a living hell for my family. I am pretty sure I cannot work. My sister thinks I could give her money when we are older. Well I can't. The whole situation is so fucked up. But first I try to elaborate more on my dad. He often preaches I have to become more mature and I should deal with my responsiblities more on my own. Well my parents abused me and this made me a total mental wreck, You should not expect that I can manage anything. He told me something like imagine I could have a stroke any minute. You should think more about such scenarios. Well I think a lot about such scenarios and already plan to commit suicide which I told him earlier. But his depression caused a dementia like brain and he easily forgets things that could be unpleasant for him. He said me and my sister would have to care for him in such a scenario. Why should I do that? My parents abused the shit out of me I don't see any moral obligation to care for them when I am old. They destroyed my whole life. It is a joke. My sister and me are pretty overwhelmed by our own misery the notion we could dedicate our life to care for him is ridiculous. But as I said my dad is delusional as fuck.
I think the best scenario for my parents would be if they died pretty quickly and painless when hell breaks loose. But it is more likely they will have to experience the consequences of their actions. I am not sure when exactly I will commit suicide. I won't dive into the details. Maybe when they are becoming vegetables. I am always scared a suicide attempt of mine could trigger another stroke of my mom she dies and I am surviving. This is one of the most scary things I can imagine.
I cannot understand why my mom can have such a good mood. It is so fucking obvious this family is completely fucked. Our future is ruined and it is only a matter of time when hell breaks loose. A long time I tried to be honest to my family that I will commit suicide. Though in the end they only worried way too much. So I stopped that. And when i stopped to talk about suicide they thought the thoughts would have stopped which is not true. There are several scenarios which would trigger my suicide. I try to postpone it as long as possible. Currently I am pretty good at acting like everything was okay. I haver very good grades at college and people admire me for that. Well they are worth nothing. I tried to work and I have way too much OCD issues to hold a job. So I have some years of college ahead of me and I impress people with my grades which basically is not worth anything. I feel like an impostor but I cannot tell everyone well it is not worth anything etc. and tell my story. I have some friends at college who want to become part of the elite. They are smarter than me but I have better grades. I talked with one of my friends about future plans and grades. He asked me which job I am aiming for with almost perfect grades. Well bro I would cry of happiness if I could manage to earn 2.000 euros a month in the future. Obviously I did not say that. But talking about it felt so shallow and fraud like. He explained me which high position he wants to be in and I think like well my life is pretty fucked up and which potential I could have had if I wasn't abuse they an animal as a child.
My sister annoys me too. She treated me pretty badly in the past. Also caused by her stupidity. I think she is angry that I started to ignore her. I recently I texted her and asked her how she is doing. But she is so clingy. She has some pretty naive notions of life and I cannot relate to her at all. Well she told my dad I would not have been nice to her. He got angry at me. Well this won't motivate me to have more contact to her. I think she is not fully sane anymore after he psychosis. I think she burdens my mom (after her stroke) way too much. I dislike that pretty much. And I always try not to say her that. My whole family only consists of morons.
I try to steer the sinking ship as good as I can but everything is so hopeless. And my family is ignorant and naive to believe in a good future for us. Why did I have to be born in such a foolish family full of idiots?
I think the best scenario for my parents would be if they died pretty quickly and painless when hell breaks loose. But it is more likely they will have to experience the consequences of their actions. I am not sure when exactly I will commit suicide. I won't dive into the details. Maybe when they are becoming vegetables. I am always scared a suicide attempt of mine could trigger another stroke of my mom she dies and I am surviving. This is one of the most scary things I can imagine.
I cannot understand why my mom can have such a good mood. It is so fucking obvious this family is completely fucked. Our future is ruined and it is only a matter of time when hell breaks loose. A long time I tried to be honest to my family that I will commit suicide. Though in the end they only worried way too much. So I stopped that. And when i stopped to talk about suicide they thought the thoughts would have stopped which is not true. There are several scenarios which would trigger my suicide. I try to postpone it as long as possible. Currently I am pretty good at acting like everything was okay. I haver very good grades at college and people admire me for that. Well they are worth nothing. I tried to work and I have way too much OCD issues to hold a job. So I have some years of college ahead of me and I impress people with my grades which basically is not worth anything. I feel like an impostor but I cannot tell everyone well it is not worth anything etc. and tell my story. I have some friends at college who want to become part of the elite. They are smarter than me but I have better grades. I talked with one of my friends about future plans and grades. He asked me which job I am aiming for with almost perfect grades. Well bro I would cry of happiness if I could manage to earn 2.000 euros a month in the future. Obviously I did not say that. But talking about it felt so shallow and fraud like. He explained me which high position he wants to be in and I think like well my life is pretty fucked up and which potential I could have had if I wasn't abuse they an animal as a child.
My sister annoys me too. She treated me pretty badly in the past. Also caused by her stupidity. I think she is angry that I started to ignore her. I recently I texted her and asked her how she is doing. But she is so clingy. She has some pretty naive notions of life and I cannot relate to her at all. Well she told my dad I would not have been nice to her. He got angry at me. Well this won't motivate me to have more contact to her. I think she is not fully sane anymore after he psychosis. I think she burdens my mom (after her stroke) way too much. I dislike that pretty much. And I always try not to say her that. My whole family only consists of morons.
I try to steer the sinking ship as good as I can but everything is so hopeless. And my family is ignorant and naive to believe in a good future for us. Why did I have to be born in such a foolish family full of idiots?
Last edited:
