We mourn people who commit suicide so strongly but do nothing when they are alive. Well I feel that is the case for me. I also don't or won't have the typical "she was so loved" reaction. I don't feel held back by anyone around me. As the date moves closer though, I feel somewhat angry at people around me. I feel that anger is coming from the fact that I don't believe I'm a difficult person to help or love but people around me have always made me feel that way but also because how strongly I show up for people. 3am heartbreak? Im there. Car broke down? I don't know anything about them but I'll come wait with you. Need a cup of tea? Im there. Whatever it is, I always show up. Maybe having the loving relationships or care wouldn't have made a difference. I compare it to when I'm physically sick, people show up, people call to check up, people help. With mental illness, I am completely and utterly alone and it makes me feel like a monster. I don't think people owe me any thing but at the end of my life, I genuinely thought it wouldn't be this alone.
My sn arrives tomorrow which is maybe why everything is coming to the surface. I feel relief, fear but a lot of sadness. Ill miss my cat
My sn arrives tomorrow which is maybe why everything is coming to the surface. I feel relief, fear but a lot of sadness. Ill miss my cat
