Venting I feel like an impostor.

[Nat.]

Every time I meet a new psychiatrist or psychologist and they ask me what's wrong, I tell them that I've always been depressed and that I've always wanted to die. And it's true. Ever since I was eleven, everything has been horrible. But now I'm thirty-four, and I still haven't killed myself. People die every day. So why haven't I? If I'm so certain about it, if it's a rational decision, why am I still here? It's incredibly frustrating.

Right now, I'm undergoing treatment in a hospital because it's a requirement if I want to apply for euthanasia: I have to prove that I've tried to get better. I know they won't grant it because I'm too young and mental illness isn't taken seriously in Spain. Do I want to apply precisely because I know they won't grant it? Everything about this feels ridiculous and humiliating.

I feel so much contempt for myself for not doing it, for continuing to expose myself to this misery year after year. The thought of having to endure another twenty years, or however many more, alive, terrifies me.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Every time I meet a new psychiatrist or psychologist and they ask me what's wrong, I tell them that I've always been depressed and that I've always wanted to die. And it's true. Ever since I was eleven, everything has been horrible. But now I'm thirty-four, and I still haven't killed myself. People die every day. So why haven't I? If I'm so certain about it, if it's a rational decision, why am I still here? It's incredibly frustrating.

Right now, I'm undergoing treatment in a hospital because it's a requirement if I want to apply for euthanasia: I have to prove that I've tried to get better. I know they won't grant it because I'm too young and mental illness isn't taken seriously in Spain. Do I want to apply precisely because I know they won't grant it? Everything about this feels ridiculous and humiliating.

I feel so much contempt for myself for not doing it, for continuing to expose myself to this misery year after year. The thought of having to endure another twenty years, or however many more, alive, terrifies me.

Bro bro bro

M 36male from India, trying suicide since 23 years.


If killing oneself was a cakewalk we would not be alive

Every time I meet a new psychiatrist or psychologist and they ask me what's wrong, I tell them that I've always been depressed and that I've always wanted to die. And it's true. Ever since I was eleven, everything has been horrible. But now I'm thirty-four, and I still haven't killed myself. People die every day. So why haven't I? If I'm so certain about it, if it's a rational decision, why am I still here? It's incredibly frustrating.

Right now, I'm undergoing treatment in a hospital because it's a requirement if I want to apply for euthanasia: I have to prove that I've tried to get better. I know they won't grant it because I'm too young and mental illness isn't taken seriously in Spain. Do I want to apply precisely because I know they won't grant it? Everything about this feels ridiculous and humiliating.

I feel so much contempt for myself for not doing it, for continuing to expose myself to this misery year after year. The thought of having to endure another twenty years, or however many more, alive, terrifies me.

Show them that you are doing better, so that you can come out of the mess. And ctb again when you feel like

 

[Nat.]

Bro bro bro

M 36male from India, trying suicide since 23 years.


If killing oneself was a cakewalk we would not be alive

Show them that you are doing better, so that you can come out of the mess. And ctb again when you feel like

Thank you for replying <3

It seems so easy for some people, and I've been thinking about this for so many years that I don't understand what needs to happen for me to just be able to do it and get it over with... I'm scared of living many more years and having the deterioration of my body and mind leave me crazy and alone, living on the streets (I don't have any family or a profession), eating dick for 30 euros. I was a sex worker for 10 years, and it seems like the only way to get money quickly if my life keeps going to shit and I don't stop it.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Thank you for replying <3

It seems so easy for some people, and I've been thinking about this for so many years that I don't understand what needs to happen for me to just be able to do it and get it over with... I'm scared of living many more years and having the deterioration of my body and mind leave me crazy and alone, living on the streets (I don't have any family or a profession), eating dick for 30 euros. I was a sex worker for 10 years, and it seems like the only way to get money quickly if my life keeps going to shit and I don't stop it.

Life is difficult by friend. You chose your way out. But it still doesn't make life easy .
I wish you life can get easier. The world is cruel.. Beyond what we can imagine. You deserve all the love buddy love you my dear friend

 

[Nat.]

Life is difficult by friend. You chose your way out. But it still doesn't make life easy .
I wish you life can get easier. The world is cruel.. Beyond what we can imagine. You deserve all the love buddy love you my dear friend

Thank you for reading me and for your kind words. I hope life becomes easier for you too <3

 

[EmptyBottle]

I sometimes feel similar.

Some ppl curiously wondered why I was here if I didn't feel like CTBing, I mentioned I tried CTB in 2022* and they didn't ask further (I came to try and help others generally, at first I thought I could gradually improve ppl and slowly reduce the amount of CTB that occurs just by posting, but all I can do is help others slightly, tho at times, I quite enjoy interaction/games)

* the attempt wasn't too tricky... but any subsequent attempt would be trickier, coz I now have experience of not CTB'ing despite trying, and have considered the gravity of a CTB attempt a bit more compared to when I first tried.

 

[Nat.]

I sometimes feel similar.

Some ppl curiously wondered why I was here if I didn't feel like CTBing, I mentioned I tried CTB in 2022* and they didn't ask further (I came to try and help others generally, at first I thought I could gradually improve ppl and slowly reduce the amount of CTB that occurs just by posting, but all I can do is help others slightly, tho at times, I quite enjoy interaction/games)

* the attempt wasn't too tricky... but any subsequent attempt would be trickier, coz I now have experience of not CTB'ing despite trying, and have considered the gravity of a CTB attempt a bit more compared to when I first tried.

Thank you for your response. I think that even if you feel like you don't want to do it now, or ever, it's important to have access to this information and to a safe space where you can talk to people who feel similarly without being judged. And I think it's really great that you want to help others