I feel like a hypocrite

[Intotheflames]

This is a suicide forum, we have no judgement towards each other's reasons and ways to go. I expressed my belief here a few times, that we all have the right to ctb regardless of other's opinions or feelings. All my life I find words inadequate, and action ia what matters. More importantly, as similar experiences we share with each other, at the end of the day we alone are the one suffering the impacts of our own experiences.

Yet there were times, especially when I read posts here, I wanted to tell them that they are worth living, that I really am sorry, that I do care, that things will get better. I saw a post that a member drank sn, and I wanted to stop him, wanted to tell him there was an alternative.

I feel like a hypocrite. I myself know my life isn't worth living for, that I know how painful to keep carrying on, and I made up my mind. I preach how it's our life and only us truly feel every pain, every struggle we have had. Yet I want to do the opposite of what I preach.

 

[Life_and_Death]

To me it just sounds like you're caring. There's nothing wrong with that

 

[Nymph]

It's sad to see someone go but everyone has a right to ctb and we gotta respect that. I also thought about giving people "hope" but in the end it's just empty words that sound like nothing to a person who's heavily suffering.

 

[signifying nothing]

I think its brave of you to admit this. I can say that I too have felt a pull inside of myself whenever someone has gone on this site, like maybe I should have done something, said something.

I think its because we get it instilled into us from a young age by our families and society that we should keep trying and care and only tell people positive, life affirming things.

It is then difficult when our actual experiences show us something very different, the reality of how life truly is, because it goes in opposition to what we have been taught, in turn causing mixed up and contradictory feelings like you describe.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I automatically discourage CTB when I see a post in that effect, but I know it's just empty platitudes, I don't think its you being an hypocrite, I think its just the empathy many of us coming out, with a slither of hope, we can never change someone's heart or mind, but if they leave this world, at least they will have kind words spoken towards them before their parting.

 

[Phill]

I think you care. You're probably a good person who doesn't feel comfortable seeing other people givin' up on life. And that's okay. You can respect people's freedom of choice and still care about them. That's nothing wrong about that. It just shows you have empathy.

 

[Weary Soul]

This is a suicide forum, we have no judgement towards each other's reasons and ways to go. I expressed my belief here a few times, that we all have the right to ctb regardless of other's opinions or feelings. All my life I find words inadequate, and action ia what matters. More importantly, as similar experiences we share with each other, at the end of the day we alone are the one suffering the impacts of our own experiences.

Yet there were times, especially when I read posts here, I wanted to tell them that they are worth living, that I really am sorry, that I do care, that things will get better. I saw a post that a member drank sn, and I wanted to stop him, wanted to tell him there was an alternative.

I feel like a hypocrite. I myself know my life isn't worth living for, that I know how painful to keep carrying on, and I made up my mind. I preach how it's our life and only us truly feel every pain, every struggle we have had. Yet I want to do the opposite of what I preach.

I am the same.

I feel like every single life on this earth is precious and that the world, societal norms, and the rat race/hamster wheel of life is truly f'ed up. Maybe the abuse I have had in life would never have happened if the world and societal norms were different.

And then I found SS. The kindness, acceptance, and support shown here? Well I am totally blown away by it. I have never seen anything like it.

So maybe I too am a hypocrite given what this site is about and what brought me here. If I had the means, I would scoop everyone up here and help them as best as I could (if that is what they wanted).

So many times in life people have told me who or what I should be, how I should think, etc. They never let me just be me. It was so bad that to this day - half a century later, I feel like I am finally free to be me, but really, have no clue who I am and my time is running out.

My thoughts on what you wrote? It is ok to feel this way, it is what makes you an individual, caring, empathetic human in this ofttimes inhumane world, and IMO there are far too few that care like this irl.

It really haunts me every time I see a goodbye thread. I think to myself... if only. But, I also respect their autonomy because I know very well how cruel people and life can be.

<3

 

[imsorrythatimhere]

I feel kinda the same way, the time I've spent on this website has been conflicting. I want to sometimes tell people all these things but i know how annoying it is

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm also hypocritical in that I often invalidate the pain of people that are suicidal for other reasons than my own. I've always been able to empathize with chronic pain/ complete financial distress tho. But the "my fifth boyfriend broke up with me, one of my friends' cats died and I failed a test in college" is still a little out of bounds for me to truly not be dismissive of, at least initially. It's still hard, I'm getting better at not doing it and not attacking others for doing it to me since I do it.

 

[DocNo]

as many other members here said i also think that you care.

i also think that some of us also find life here again by sharing sometimes the first time in their life their darkest thoughts which they never could share anywhere else.

and i guess it's ok to give a person a new perspective on life cause i think for some it's just the fact that life is unbearable the way it is when they want to ctb. but nothing of the hollow pro-life crap phrases. more by sharing your story or telling a person who you really know well your point of view about some topics of his/her life.
not out of the intention to keep the person from ctb but maybe improve his/her life quality. for some maybe it's enough to reconsider. for others it's maybe not enough.

i for myself would be dead, homeless or in a psych ward if i wouldn't have registered here. so the encounter with some people here gave me some new perspective. but i also have days where i feel that it still might not be enough to not finally ctb. so it's a bit of an unknown road for me now.

despite this site seems to be at the first look a suicide information exchange site, it is much more for me. it's about talking about anything without the fear to be judged and also to maybe find a way of life with less suffering by open/fearless exchange with others which might improve life to be worth living a bit longer.

but to make it clear. i am absolutely pro-choice cause i see this as right of self-determination and i always will respect the choice somebody makes even when it hurts me.



btw. dredd was my ctb movie - meaning the last movie i wanted to watch before i go. a bit of a weird choice but i don't know. i watch it also every xmas evening ^^

and i am definitely team Ma-Ma :P