Venting I feel like a fucking idiot. (Relationships)

[littlelady774]

I've been having so many panic attacks this week from something that happened years and years ago.

I was in community college. There was only 1.5 months left of school year. This guy and I liked each other- not dating, but definitely liked each other. He was much older than me at the time. I was 20 he was 29. We discussed how it sucked we were going in different directions to different universities.

Then a few days later he started being very flirty and kissed me, wanted to hold hands. He even told me we were soul mates. I think I'd fallen in love. We ended up having sex. This went on for weeks. I thought he was wanting something serious. I thought we were "dating" because we were doing couple stuff.

At the end of the school year I asked him if he thought we would ever become anything. He said no. Flat out no. He said we weren't dating. He said he never called us soulmates and that I was lying. I was so hurt. He said "you knew it was going to have to end"

I'd never had a relationship before this. I'm kind of ugly. It meant so much to me. He was my first kiss and everything. I was so naïve!

He said later "well I just thought things would workout somehow.." but also "well you knew things were going to end"

I need to forgive him for being an absolute douche and fool for not thinking things through before his actions. For not considering my feelings or emotions. For not considering the ramifications. For making me fall in love with him. And for ultimately wasting my time. "You knew things were going to have to end"

I mean what the actual fuck was the point of all that then??

 

[Pluto]

There's nothing idiotic about lacking guidance and being taken for a ride like that. If you spoke to older women, you would find that a very large percentage would have gone through something similar at some stage.

Some even say that it's a normal part of learning about life. The Australian band Savage Garden once posited, "You can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned."

Earlier this year, I had a housemate who sounds similar to your ex. He knew how to play women like a fiddle, yet had absolutely no feelings at all for anyone. His tendency to lie and shift personas was so extreme that I came to conclude that he had DID, and severely underestimated the extent of the childhood traumas that he'd been through.

In the few months that I knew him, I saw one beautiful young woman after another become intensely attracted, pour out her feelings, then wind up absolutely distraught to realise that it was all smoke and mirrors. It's worth noting that in terms of his life in general, he was barely any happier than me - someone who is comparatively full of emotion but largely unable to connect to others in the first place.

If I can go on a bit of a rant, I have always found this situation to be at the crux of what I despise about being human. Women get hurt en masse, then develop the cynical expectation that all men are black-hearted monsters. Dark Triad men are rewarded for being pathologically cold. A huge number of decent young men are so emasculated that they are out of the game altogether and rot alone. Truly, nobody wins. (Except D back when he was still selling N.)

As an aside, for all my purported expertise about dark triad behaviour as a survivor (or not) of a narcissistic family, I ended up convinced to give that former housemate 6 months of free rent by buying into a sob story. I got totally taken advantage of because I was desperately lonely. I feel like a fucking idiot.

 

[Un-]

There's nothing idiotic about lacking guidance and being taken for a ride like that. If you spoke to older women, you would find that a very large percentage would have gone through something similar at some stage.

Some even say that it's a normal part of learning about life. The Australian band Savage Garden once posited, "You can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned."

Earlier this year, I had a housemate who sounds similar to your ex. He knew how to play women like a fiddle, yet had absolutely no feelings at all for anyone. His tendency to lie and shift personas was so extreme that I came to conclude that he had DID, and severely underestimated the extent of the childhood traumas that he'd been through.

In the few months that I knew him, I saw one beautiful young woman after another become intensely attracted, pour out her feelings, then wind up absolutely distraught to realise that it was all smoke and mirrors. It's worth noting that in terms of his life in general, he was barely any happier than me - someone who is comparatively full of emotion but largely unable to connect to others in the first place.

If I can go on a bit of a rant, I have always found this situation to be at the crux of what I despise about being human. Women get hurt en masse, then develop the cynical expectation that all men are black-hearted monsters. Dark Triad men are rewarded for being pathologically cold. A huge number of decent young men are so emasculated that they are out of the game altogether and rot alone. Truly, nobody wins. (Except D back when he was still selling N.)

As an aside, for all my purported expertise about dark triad behaviour as a survivor (or not) of a narcissistic family, I ended up convinced to give that former housemate 6 months of free rent by buying into a sob story. I got totally taken advantage of because I was desperately lonely. I feel like a fucking idiot.

True. I want to add some more stuff though.

Shit like this depends on context... In OP's case, they both knew they were going to different universities and stuff.

It could be he thought that you thought that things were temporary.. I mean.. Sigh... Call me a piece of shit, I used to be involved with quite a few girls that weren't the best received in their lives, and offering them the bare minimum love was enough to get them hooked on me. It's not their fault. It's not your fault.

It's the guys fault.. He knew what he was doing.

And, in my experience, this.. Attachment.. It's easy to lose a sense of reality.. You thought the relationship was gonna be serious. The reality is that it was never gonna work, really..

Like pluto said, guys that.. I'm not sure about pathological.. But.. Something along the lines of being cold enough to lead someone along just for some temporary satisfaction.. Guys that do that are rewarded.

A guy I know, he's my age, but he's dated more girls than I have fingers, has had three somes and all of that. The dude doesn't care about each of the girls he's been with, and treats them not nice.

My point is that you got burned quite badly, but there's a lot of guys out there.. Building up the skills to analyse men, and their intentions goes a long way. But more importantly, realising your own imperfections as soon as possible.. Because.. As someone who manipulates people, most times unintentionally.. People that have vulnerabilities and don't realise it are the easiest to exploit.

I'm such a piece of shit. But I hoped this helped.

 

[littlelady774]

True. I want to add some more stuff though.

Shit like this depends on context... In OP's case, they both knew they were going to different universities and stuff.

It could be he thought that you thought that things were temporary.. I mean.. Sigh... Call me a piece of shit, I used to be involved with quite a few girls that weren't the best received in their lives, and offering them the bare minimum love was enough to get them hooked on me. It's not their fault. It's not your fault.

It's the guys fault.. He knew what he was doing.

And, in my experience, this.. Attachment.. It's easy to lose a sense of reality.. You thought the relationship was gonna be serious. The reality is that it was never gonna work, really..

Like pluto said, guys that.. I'm not sure about pathological.. But.. Something along the lines of being cold enough to lead someone along just for some temporary satisfaction.. Guys that do that are rewarded.

A guy I know, he's my age, but he's dated more girls than I have fingers, has had three somes and all of that. The dude doesn't care about each of the girls he's been with, and treats them not nice.

My point is that you got burned quite badly, but there's a lot of guys out there.. Building up the skills to analyse men, and their intentions goes a long way. But more importantly, realising your own imperfections as soon as possible.. Because.. As someone who manipulates people, most times unintentionally.. People that have vulnerabilities and don't realise it are the easiest to exploit.

I'm such a piece of shit. But I hoped this helped.

You're not a peice of shit, thanks for the post. It makes a lot of sense

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I was in a similar situation when I was 19. An older man (31) love bombed me hardcore, and I caught feelings. Turns out he was married (with kids!) the whole time. Some people are fucking awful.

 

[NumbItAll]

this shit really pisses me the fuck off the lack of regard some people have for others in relationships, and then of course it ruins it for the rest of us

 

[Disappointered]

I think there is at least one study suggesting women are (biologically?) programmed to reward the worst men with full-on sexual abandon. The study I'm thinking of was based on just the men's voices. The women couldn't see them and it was all anoymous without the content of what the anonymous men said being a factor. Almost all the women preferred the voices of the men who had the dark triad personality. Seems like this whole situation (human life basically) is fundamentally flawed.

 

[littlelady774]

I think there is at least one study suggesting women are (biologically?) programmed to reward the worst men with full-on sexual abandon. The study I'm thinking of was based on just the men's voices. The women couldn't see them and it was all anoymous without the content of what the anonymous men said being a factor. Almost all the women preferred the voices of the men who had the dark triad personality. Seems like this whole situation (human life basically) is fundamentally flawed.

Could you find a link to this study? Thanks

 

[Celerity]

this shit really pisses me the fuck off the lack of regard some people have for others in relationships, and then of course it ruins it for the rest of us

Don't have a lot of dating experience, but I feel like it's way easier to find scumbags like OP describes than anyone who is any good - and if you find someone decent, they're still probably not "love of your life" material.

My parents don't love each other, and I am not sure they ever have. They got married because my mom got pregnant, and getting married was what was expected in their generation. No more, no less. If I ever marry, it will likely be for practical reasons as well.

As popular as Hallmark is, I really think concerns regarding money, loneliness, and social pressure are why the vast majority of people have gotten in committed relationships. In my view, love and lust play minuscule roles in relationships that, for better or for worse, actually last.