I wish I could recover again but I don't see that it's possible anymore.
I looked up "Why can't I kill myself?" on Google earlier because that's something I struggle with. Of course I mostly got pro-life bullshit and useless "resources" like helplines. I expected as much but I'm pretty desperate for an answer. So I kept scrolling and ended up reading an article.
In this article a woman describes a period of time in her life where she looked up something like "I don't want to exist anymore but I'm afraid to die." She talks about how she felt silly at first but quickly realized that a lot of people felt that way and she wasn't alone. She ended up starting to go to therapy, getting out of her toxic relationship and making a change to her average days.
The article ends on a pretty happy note that she's a lot better now even if she still has bad days sometimes. I think the final line is something like "You are not alone."
Now, obviously I applaud this woman for getting through this dark period and finding her way back to recover. That's very hard and she did well. But I did notice something.
The idea that she was not alone in feeling this way was a revelation to her. To me though it's nothing new. I know lots of people feel that way. It doesn't really do much for me. Neither does this idea that I'm "not alone." It has become meaningless to me.
One of her big steps to recovery is that she finally went to therapy and that helped her. But I've been going to therapy since 2011. It has helped at many times, especially with my anxiety, but at this point I'm in such a deep and dark place that it has stopped helping much beyond some slight relief and someone to talk to and something to live towards every 2 weeks. Actual progress though? None anymore.
And I can't make a big life change like she did either. I wouldn't know what to do. I barely have the energy to get out of bed every day.
I've joined this program where once a week I chat to a psychologist online for an hour surrounding my depression to try to make progress. It is very remedial though, clearly intended for people who've never had therapy and it isn't doing much for me since I already have a lot of experience.
I also have a person who calls me once a week who I can talk to about my problems. She's not a real psychologist, just a person.
I have a job coach I talk to sometimes.
And, of course, my psychologist of 10 years. She helps the most but I can only see her once every 2 weeks and even then I'm not making any progress there either.
All of this to say... I want help. I wish I could decide to turn things around. But I feel like I've already exhausted all types of help. And I'm so very tired if fighting this depression and anxiety. I'm exhausted after 10 years of this.
I just don't think there's any help to be had anymore. And a large part of me thinks I should acknowledge that fact and act to end it accordingly.
I looked up "Why can't I kill myself?" on Google earlier because that's something I struggle with. Of course I mostly got pro-life bullshit and useless "resources" like helplines. I expected as much but I'm pretty desperate for an answer. So I kept scrolling and ended up reading an article.
In this article a woman describes a period of time in her life where she looked up something like "I don't want to exist anymore but I'm afraid to die." She talks about how she felt silly at first but quickly realized that a lot of people felt that way and she wasn't alone. She ended up starting to go to therapy, getting out of her toxic relationship and making a change to her average days.
The article ends on a pretty happy note that she's a lot better now even if she still has bad days sometimes. I think the final line is something like "You are not alone."
Now, obviously I applaud this woman for getting through this dark period and finding her way back to recover. That's very hard and she did well. But I did notice something.
The idea that she was not alone in feeling this way was a revelation to her. To me though it's nothing new. I know lots of people feel that way. It doesn't really do much for me. Neither does this idea that I'm "not alone." It has become meaningless to me.
One of her big steps to recovery is that she finally went to therapy and that helped her. But I've been going to therapy since 2011. It has helped at many times, especially with my anxiety, but at this point I'm in such a deep and dark place that it has stopped helping much beyond some slight relief and someone to talk to and something to live towards every 2 weeks. Actual progress though? None anymore.
And I can't make a big life change like she did either. I wouldn't know what to do. I barely have the energy to get out of bed every day.
I've joined this program where once a week I chat to a psychologist online for an hour surrounding my depression to try to make progress. It is very remedial though, clearly intended for people who've never had therapy and it isn't doing much for me since I already have a lot of experience.
I also have a person who calls me once a week who I can talk to about my problems. She's not a real psychologist, just a person.
I have a job coach I talk to sometimes.
And, of course, my psychologist of 10 years. She helps the most but I can only see her once every 2 weeks and even then I'm not making any progress there either.
All of this to say... I want help. I wish I could decide to turn things around. But I feel like I've already exhausted all types of help. And I'm so very tired if fighting this depression and anxiety. I'm exhausted after 10 years of this.
I just don't think there's any help to be had anymore. And a large part of me thinks I should acknowledge that fact and act to end it accordingly.
.
