The matrix is happening! I live in a different universe

[noname223]

I know this probably will sound paranoid as fuck. But at least some parts of it must be true.

So I thought I fucked it up with my crush with my love delusion. I was wrong she is still interested in me. Or was.

My theory is women like me when I am hypomanic. I have way higher self-esteem and I am self-confident. I am punchy and funny. I speak louder this is something my psychiatrist noticed.

I thought I fucked it up with my crush for starring to long at her. Which seemingly was paranoid. The last woman that I dated was annoyed because I was too clingy. So I thought I don't text her. My crush.

Today I barely send her any signals because I thought she had no interest in me anymore which seemingly was wrong. At the break of the hour we wanted to go outside alone. Me and my crush. And the woman who I former dated tried to crash our time together. And she fucking achieved it. It would have been the first time alone with her. But the chemistry master student tried to ruin it. It was so so so fucking awkward for me.

Then much weirder things happened. There is also the chemistry PhD candiduate in that group. It was the first woman I had a love delusion in this group. She is pretty interesting. I find her fascinating. However, I don't have a crush on her. But I think my crush now thinks that I actually was interested in that PhD candidate. I talked a lot with her and maybe I starred at her. She is in a longterm relationship though. Now my crush thinks she is my second choice.

Most of the evidence are not bullet proof. They actually sound paranoid. Explaining these things must sound paranoid. However, I think when I am hypomanic maybe paranoia is different.

I wanted to talk with my crush after the group but she ran away. I assume she now thinks I like the PhD candidate woman.

Always when I listened to my convolk love songs it was about my crush. I always thought about my crush. And noone else. Except when I was paranoid.

So I texted her this evening. My crush. The first message I sent to her. She has not answered yet.

Then again at the bus stop. The chemistry master student. She felt I was heartbroken. She weirdly travelled to me to the train station. Actually, her home is somewhere else. We were silent the whole time. But actually I thought there is a need for some honest words. She was the one who dodged me but fastly she changed her mind. After she experienced me severely manic. Lmao. I exchanged with her some honest words. I told her that I think I have feelings for my crush actually. I told her I felt conflicted when we dated. I was not sure whether to tell her that. I told her I have close to zero experience in dating. And that with this illness and overthinking dating is a hell hole. I told her I know I was way too clingy with her. I told her I was this fast because the woman I dated prior to her rejected me because I was too slow. And exactly that is now repeating with my crush. It is utterly insane.

WTF is happening to me. I hope I have not fucked it up with my crush irreversibly.

 

[KillingPain267]

If you live in a different universe but communicate with this one you have a lot more to worry about than your crush.

 

[noname223]

So me and my crush starred at each other at the meeting. Signaled each other interest. But barely talked to each other. It even seemed like she is blocking meeting her outside the group. When I texted her on a messanger she send me two messages and not more.
We barely talked to each other. And I wondered whether it will always be like that.

I was in pain because she once again walked away when I wanted to talk with her. And the chemistry master student used her chance. He accompanied me in the train and bus. First, I ignored her. Really I put earphones in my ear and acted like she wasn't there. Then in the bus we sat next to each other and were both silent. When we reached the train station I finally broke the silence. I told her that I think I might have feelings for my crush. (tbh I barely know her we barely talked with each other). I had the feeling she was heartbroken when I told her that. But we hugged each other tightly when we said goodbye.

The next week the chemistry master student was not there at the group. And me and my crush could have had a chance to talk to each other. And again we did not talk to each other.

I began ruminating. I told this story to my friends and my therapist. And both told me signals like giving a smile, 5 minutes talks or styling yourself well is not that telling. They barely mean anything if there is no conversation between us. Instead the chemistry master student we had really good conversations, she told me she considers to leave her bf for me. and that she thinks that she has feelings for me.

So I betrayed my crush and texted the chemistry master student at Saturday. On Monday we walked the same way to the group and she accompanied me to the train station again. (despite the fact she wastes a lot of time by doing that.) We had good conversations.

I think this all could backfire pretty hard. I could regret my decison a lot. But the chemistry master student really impressed me by the effort she put into meeting me. Whereas my crush gave me two text messages and not more which was more than a little bit disappointing.

I will fuck it up eventually. We all know that. And we all know I gonna be really really suicidal and in extreme pain.