Venting I feel fucking subhuman

[ropemaxxingorsmth]

I can't smile without feeling how weird my mouth must look, it's so cruel that any amount of joy I experience is bundled with a reminder of how disgusting I am. I've always been made fun of for looking objectively ugly for my entire life and I feel nauseous from anxiety just existing. I wish I just felt hopeless instead of actually being genetically fucked. I'm not sure if it's still social anxiety if every interaction I have with another person just proves my fears and that I never had a chance to be human. I really don't want to die but when my parents and brother do I'll just go literally insane unless I pay for a therapist just to have someone to talk to. I just want to sit in a room and feel human and be able to do literally anything without constantly thinking about how weird I look doing it.

The last friend group I had just used me as a punching bag and I just sat there and took it for a while, but there was one of them I talked to basically every day and he was the nicest to me out of all of them and at least apologized for what he said before and I was dumb enough to think that he could look past my face and actually value me as a person. When he had to choose between not inviting the guy who made a bunch of racist "jokes" about me looking subhuman even though he specified multiple times while saying it to me that he wasn't joking he obviously didn't side with me.

AND TO MAKE IT EVEN WORSE I DEVELOPED A TREMOR THAT AFFECTS MY VOICE SO I CAN"T EVEN TALK TO PEOPLE ONLINE.

I can't believe that my only chance at conscious existence is completely wasted by my looks.

 

[redsendtend]

Same. I have this pain in my face that only lessens when i make a 'funny' face which looks ugly. Weird and crazy but i learnt it at a young age and sort make that face all the time when I get emotionally overwhelmed. Been bullied because of it and all that. It hurts because people think I geniunely look like that but I can't prove them wrong in the moment because their trratment for me actually makes me emotionally overhwlemed and so disocurages me from resuming to my normal face.

It seems like such a simple problem to solve, doctors won't take me seriously, God won't help. Yeah.

It's so bad that it just sticks with me when i'm even alone in a 'scary' place. It affects all aspects of my life and arguably my cognition too. People seem to just deem me as autistic so I guess maybe as a coping mechaniidm I've adopted the typical interests of an autistic person as a protective mechanism.

Either way life seems very unbearable, wish if someone would believe me and tell me that I'm OK but honestly even if someone did, the amount of relief I'd feel would be so grand that I'd probably die from shock, literally.

I've learnt that life is indeed a football game: whoever understand the rules of the game is at the most advantage. Who ever has the most valuable skill or assest os at the most advantage. People use whatever to win in life, and the catch is that there's no referee, or if you're religious there may be a referee. I look at life and see it to be a game that I don't like playing. You can win life by being pretty. You can win life by being smart. You can win life by being a spectacle. You can win life by submission. You can win life by domination. When you understand how society works and look at your deck of cards, you humble yourself enough to figure out how you win. Some internet people use their ugliness to their advantage and make themselves to be a spectacle in exchange for fame, likability, peace, money, whatever. If you really wnated what you claim to want, you would sell everything you own to try find it.