Venting I feel fake

[LittleAngel]

This is just a vent, Im not looking for anything in particular by posting this I just feel as if I cant post this kind of stuff anywhere else.

i don't understand what more I need to heal. It's not like I'm actively trying to get better, but I'm definitely in a better physical state than I was back then (more money, education coming my way, better relationship with family). I feel as if I just want to be edgy, like I'm a fake suicidal person. I do the most to harm myself, I'll cut off anyone who talks to me, I'll give myself serious medical problems (non-mental health related, such as kidney diseases) just to tear My body down for fun, I'll do what everyone else seems to do when they're depressed (cutting and starving), I'll find wacky ass ways to prepare my body for death just because I'm bored. Even while I'm writing this I'm not sad or mad, I'm happy in a melancholic way. I get a rush of dopamine from doing all of this. I don't self mutilate while I'm sad, only when I'm happy or I've done good. my entire personality revolves around tearing myself down, I'm nothing if not for my self destructive behaviors. It just leaves me to wonder if I ever had a chance at surviving at all? I don't remember my childhood much so what happened for me to end up like this? Mental health is a sham, i don't think I've been raped or anything so how come I still never had a chance?? I don't want to recover, but the fact that it never crosses my mind is so baffling, why don't I want to? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn and I'd take myself to a professional, not for help but just to see what those money hungry bitches say about me. I want them to make up some dumb as excuse for the way I act when to me the only reasonable answer is that i was simply put on this earth for twisted entertainment.

 

[Holu]

First and foremost, do not take this by any means as a proper diagnosis, as I literally do not posses either a license or enough information to actually provide a proper diagnosis, however as a 3rd year psych major this sounds very much like BPD(borderline personality disorder) or more specifically a sub disorder called SDPD(self-defeating personality disorder). If you want to look at it I'll leave it below.

Spoiler: SDPD Diagnosis requirements

A) A pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which they will suffer, and prevent others from helping them, as indicated by at least five of the following:

1. chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
2. rejects or makes ineffective the attempts of others to help them
3. following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain (e.g., an accident)
4. incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
5. rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying themselves (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
6. fails to accomplish tasks crucial to their personal objectives despite having demonstrated ability to do so (e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write their own)
7. is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat them well
8. engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
9. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences [...] [and] rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying themself

B) The behaviors in A do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused.
C) The behaviors in A do not occur only when the person is depressed.

From what it sounds like, your not a fan of the mental healthcare industry(neither am I lmao) so it's up to you whether or not you want to believe or consider the information. Just leaving it as an explaination.

Regardless, I'm very sorry for how you have been feeling, especially when life seems better. Disorders and mental health decide, it's rather comforting being self destructive at times, maybe stemming from some inner hatred or belief that we are undeserving. It's a unique yet common behavior, one which serves as a self inflicted curse.

If you're up to trying something new, next time you get one of these impulses, take a few deep breaths and think about how you're feeling. Try to slow down and question the decision. Doesn't me you don't have to SH, just might help you understand or shorten the duration.

Whatever you do I hope you feel better. Life, whether or not it feels better or worse, is very cruel. If you ever need to vent always feel free to type your feelings in post, we appreciate it greatly. As always, if needed feel free to send me a dm.

 

[BloomingStrella]

I can definitely see where you're coming from. Ever since I got a little bit better mentally, I hadn't thought of other conversation topics other than what I was usually used to, which was talking about my mental state. This of course only between 2 people of absolute trust. Self harm and depression have been such a big part of my life that I'm struggling to really disassociate from that kind of mentality. I wasn't abused at an early age, like many others on the forum; in fact, the person who abuses me the most is myself.

I feel like such a fraud, because compared to what other people are going through, I'm kind of living a "privileged" life. Though I don't think that's an accurate way to describe it, but you get the point. I don't deserve to be depressed, and yet I still felt very suicidal up until a little bit ago. I will never forgive myself for that. I must admit, self harm has become increasingly difficult now, since I really do feel the sharp pain from cutting myself, after all this time.

I really think I might just come off as an edge-lord to other people, simply because all I know about is mental health, suicide, depression, the experience of having it, and etc. I'm not familiar with the concepts of socializing, or even, for the most part, current world events, because I've just been so caught up in my little world that I didn't even think to give thought to anything other than myself and how to escape the emotional pain I was in.

And about preparing my body for death, I can relate. I have a morbid creativity for inventing new ways to kill myself, whether I feel suicidal or not. Likewise, I don't really care about recovery, since now I kind of just... am (if that makes any sense). I'm not excited to live, or to die, but it's good to know I have both options to rely on now. Of course, I still believe suicide is a right that everyone has the choice to make, and I still think life is a tragic fabrication.

I don't know, I guess I'm just sort of figuring it out after all these years. I might just be rambling incoherent nonsense.

 

[LittleAngel]

First and foremost, do not take this by any means as a proper diagnosis, as I literally do not posses either a license or enough information to actually provide a proper diagnosis, however as a 3rd year psych major this sounds very much like BPD(borderline personality disorder) or more specifically a sub disorder called SDPD(self-defeating personality disorder). If you want to look at it I'll leave it below.

Spoiler: SDPD Diagnosis requirements

A) A pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which they will suffer, and prevent others from helping them, as indicated by at least five of the following:

1. chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
2. rejects or makes ineffective the attempts of others to help them
3. following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain (e.g., an accident)
4. incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
5. rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying themselves (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
6. fails to accomplish tasks crucial to their personal objectives despite having demonstrated ability to do so (e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write their own)
7. is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat them well
8. engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
9. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences [...] [and] rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying themself

B) The behaviors in A do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused.
C) The behaviors in A do not occur only when the person is depressed.

From what it sounds like, your not a fan of the mental healthcare industry(neither am I lmao) so it's up to you whether or not you want to believe or consider the information. Just leaving it as an explaination.

Regardless, I'm very sorry for how you have been feeling, especially when life seems better. Disorders and mental health decide, it's rather comforting being self destructive at times, maybe stemming from some inner hatred or belief that we are undeserving. It's a unique yet common behavior, one which serves as a self inflicted curse.

If you're up to trying something new, next time you get one of these impulses, take a few deep breaths and think about how you're feeling. Try to slow down and question the decision. Doesn't me you don't have to SH, just might help you understand or shorten the duration.

Whatever you do I hope you feel better. Life, whether or not it feels better or worse, is very cruel. If you ever need to vent always feel free to type your feelings in post, we appreciate it greatly. As always, if needed feel free to send me a dm.

Thank you so much, for your kind words and the explanation/insight on what it might be considered. I'm not sure what else to say but the fact that you took time to write out a response means a lot to me.

I can definitely see where you're coming from. Ever since I got a little bit better mentally, I hadn't thought of other conversation topics other than what I was usually used to, which was talking about my mental state. This of course only between 2 people of absolute trust. Self harm and depression have been such a big part of my life that I'm struggling to really disassociate from that kind of mentality. I wasn't abused at an early age, like many others on the forum; in fact, the person who abuses me the most is myself.

I feel like such a fraud, because compared to what other people are going through, I'm kind of living a "privileged" life. Though I don't think that's an accurate way to describe it, but you get the point. I don't deserve to be depressed, and yet I still felt very suicidal up until a little bit ago. I will never forgive myself for that. I must admit, self harm has become increasingly difficult now, since I really do feel the sharp pain from cutting myself, after all this time.

I really think I might just come off as an edge-lord to other people, simply because all I know about is mental health, suicide, depression, the experience of having it, and etc. I'm not familiar with the concepts of socializing, or even, for the most part, current world events, because I've just been so caught up in my little world that I didn't even think to give thought to anything other than myself and how to escape the emotional pain I was in.

And about preparing my body for death, I can relate. I have a morbid creativity for inventing new ways to kill myself, whether I feel suicidal or not. Likewise, I don't really care about recovery, since now I kind of just... am (if that makes any sense). I'm not excited to live, or to die, but it's good to know I have both options to rely on now. Of course, I still believe suicide is a right that everyone has the choice to make, and I still think life is a tragic fabrication.

I don't know, I guess I'm just sort of figuring it out after all these years. I might just be rambling incoherent nonsense.

I'm so sorry you feel the same way I do, no matter how 'privleged' you may seem you have the right to your own struggles.

 

[imissmykitten]

the "i'm happy in a melancholic way" is relatable. it's always difficult to explain such feelings, but I also feel happy and sad simultaneously, and i don't like self harm when i'm sad, it's usually when I'm happier than average. i didn't know others felt this way as well.

I mean i kind of did, but I never see anyone talking about this feeling

 

[SVEN]

"Happy in a melancholic kind of way" definitely chimes with me, thanks for putting into words what I couldn't.

 

[アホペンギン]

I definitely feel the same way as you, I feel like a fraud, as if my problems are invalid and I have absolutely no reason to want to ctb and i'm doing this for attention, even though I'm not, people made me think like this. And the statement "happy in a melancholic way" really caught my attention as I feel the same way most of the time. If I'm happy, its because I'm thinking about something that'd make a normal person distressed.