I feel empty and like I don't exist.

[genie]

I'm not depressed at the moment. Actually recently I've been feeling happier, things in life are going better which is why I haven't been in this forum as much recently. But after some introspection, I still feel this emptiness. I've felt it most of my life, since about 13. I feel like my entire life is a lie or not real. It has been more prominent recently as I've lost touch with some friends and when I try to make new friends online I just can't. I'll try and keep a conversation going and they'll just stop replying like they're a bot. I guess I just feel lonelier than I used to, even though I have IRL friends. I hope it doesn't get worse as I get older as I am early 30s now and had this void inside me for so long. It temporarily goes when I drink (teetotal now though) or take other substances. Those are the only times I feel real and meaningful. Maybe I'm trying to find a new identity.

 

[Archness]

I think you could call that feeling dissociation. The natural form, not the kind you can get from drugs. I'm very familiar with it, and yeah it's essentially persistent and always there, you're just "Looking At it" to a varying amount. That's my experienced, and I never drunk or do any drugs but I'm certain it won't really fill the void, only take my eyes off of it.

I feel like some people have brains that inherently feel like that. I'm one of them. Dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, and distracting myself is all that I do most of the day. I won't go into detail, but I want you to feel less alone with this feeling. Especially because I might be particularly articulate in expressing this. It can be pretty hard to get anything done & connect with others when your so dissociated from yourself all the time, like me.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

Like Archness said, what you're going through does sound a lot like dissociation, specifically depersonalization, and some minor depression. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist would help. Either way, I hope you do better soon. I wouldn't worry too much about failing to make friends online, the internet landscapes and changed a bit and now people just aren't as interested in making friends anymore. Most of the messages I get on other social media are just people asking me for some information or checking in on me and I soon as I reply they vanish.

 

[genie]

I think you could call that feeling dissociation. The natural form, not the kind you can get from drugs. I'm very familiar with it, and yeah it's essentially persistent and always there, you're just "Looking At it" to a varying amount. That's my experienced, and I never drunk or do any drugs but I'm certain it won't really fill the void, only take my eyes off of it.

I feel like some people have brains that inherently feel like that. I'm one of them. Dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, and distracting myself is all that I do most of the day. I won't go into detail, but I want you to feel less alone with this feeling. Especially because I might be particularly articulate in expressing this. It can be pretty hard to get anything done & connect with others when your so dissociated from yourself all the time, like me.

Thanks and sorry for late reply. I dissociate a lot. I have autism so it makes it even harder to relate to people and society in general.

Like Archness said, what you're going through does sound a lot like dissociation, specifically depersonalization, and some minor depression. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist would help. Either way, I hope you do better soon. I wouldn't worry too much about failing to make friends online, the internet landscapes and changed a bit and now people just aren't as interested in making friends anymore. Most of the messages I get on other social media are just people asking me for some information or checking in on me and I soon as I reply they vanish.

I have had therapists. They've helped in some aspects but it is too expensive to pursue at the moment.