I feel certain that I’m going to ctb soon

[metasticmind]

i don't have some active plan, nor the pure impulsive energy i had just a couple days ago. i just feel numb, like it's my time. there is no point to me staying around and at some point i will just make the decision.

i opened up to my ex about my thoughts cause she caught me scrolling through here, and she said that if i ever do it, she'll live with the guilt of killing me (i repeatedly told her it has nothing to do with her, i was suicidal when i met her). she's even spread it around that i'm using it to threaten her. i feel so disgusted that my decision to end my life because of all the pain i experienced is going to be watered down into some haha crazy ex story. that the years long agony i've been in will be reduced to simply not being able to deal with my ex dating again. cause it's not true, i was suicidal when i met her, and at the time she told me we could combat these feelings together. what a laugh.

i guess none of that will mean anything soon enough anyway

 

[InboxRain292]

I'm not experienced in relationships, but I don't think you should worry about your ex. She's "spreading it around", which already is against your will. If she's not trying to help you, don't bother. Since she's not helping you in any way, she probably doesn't deserve you anyways.

I wish you find your peace though.

 

[metasticmind]

I'm not experienced in relationships, but I don't think you should worry about your ex. She's "spreading it around", which already is against your will. If she's not trying to help you, don't bother. Since she's not helping you in any way, she probably doesn't deserve you anyways.

I wish you find your peace though.

she's spreading it to her work friends and people i don't know. she's told me that i'm free to talk to our mutual friends (she says i have them in the 'divorce' which is so disrespectful to them tbh) and others in any way i want and demonise her however way i want. but i don't want that? i want us to speak about each other fairly. but i see she gave me that permission cause she herself was doing it. i can't believe the years of love and effort and everything i spent on her just evaporated so quickly