Venting i feel bad when i don't wanna die, but good when i do

[fruitcup333]

hi again peoples

i'm writing another vent here because i need advice again and this is the only place i can really get understanding. but recently i've been feeling on and off again bad but the weird thing is i only feel bad when i don't want to ctb or i feel hesitant to. does that make any sense? but i feel very good or at ease when i have come to terms with the idea of ctbing. sorry if this is worded weird.

does anyone else feel this way? i guess the best word to describe it would be acceptance of some sort but i feel like i rarely have those peaceful feelings of wanting to ctb and i hate it i wish they lasted all the time because when i feel bad i feel like too pussy to ctb.

i would love any advice or thoughts <3

 

[ma0]

I do often fantasize about ctb when I'm stressed and whatnot, so maybe if you just imagine how the scenario would play out?

I don't really know, but this works for me.

 

[metothemoon]

I totally get what you are saying. Feels the same for me as well. Can't describe it clearly either. But the more suicidal I feel, the more at peace I am. When I am becoming less suicidal it just feels like life is too much. It gives kinda peace to only think about CTB or so..

 

[Defenestration]

Salut à nouveau les gens

J'écris un autre message ici parce que j'ai encore besoin de conseils et c'est le seul endroit où je peux vraiment obtenir de la compréhension. Mais récemment, je me sens de temps en temps mal, mais ce qui est bizarre, c'est que je ne me sens mal que lorsque je ne veux pas faire de CTB ou que j'hésite à le faire. Est-ce que cela a du sens ? Mais je me sens très bien ou à l'aise lorsque j'ai accepté l'idée de faire du CTB. Désolé si c'est formulé bizarrement.

Est-ce que quelqu'un d'autre ressent ça ? Je suppose que le meilleur mot pour le décrire serait une sorte d'acceptation, mais j'ai l'impression d'avoir rarement ces sentiments paisibles de vouloir faire du CTB et je déteste ça, j'aimerais qu'ils durent tout le temps parce que quand je me sens mal, je me sens trop lâche pour faire du CTB.

J'aimerais avoir des conseils ou des idées <3

Exactly same

 

[Electra]

I feel the idea of ctb is very freeing. It's like the relief you feel when giving in to destruction. No more fighting, no more trying, you just allow things to happen. That's at least how I feel about it.

 

[Defenestration]

Je trouve que l'idée du CTB est très libératrice. C'est comme le soulagement que l'on ressent quand on cède à la destruction. Plus besoin de se battre, plus besoin d'essayer, on laisse simplement les choses se produire. C'est du moins ce que je ressens.

SAme emotion

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

For me it is almost encouraging to know there is a way out. Like when I discovered SN, I was happy. When I decide to postpone, I do so reluctantly but knowing that I could choose to ctb when I'm ready and it remains a reassuring and real option, almost giving me hope to carry on till then.

 

[sximii]

I think I understand what you're saying and I often feel that way too. Like I start to panic if I ever have a thought like "maybe I don't really wanna die". I guess I'm so used to this feeling I'm scared of the change.