Venting I feel as if my mind is shattering.

[InwardsPerfection]

This feeling of numbness has overtaken every sense of mine. Every time I feel joy or pain or sorrow, it is followed by a deep numbing. I don't want to be myself. I want to be someone else entirely. I hate this life I am in, yet I am too weak and tired to ctb. I sit on my pc all day to continue numbing so that I cannot face the horror of reality. Its heft is unbearable. I wish I had the courage to do anything at this point. Noone'll read this, nothing will happen, my mind will continue trotting in this state...


I am afraid that I'll suffer something much worse than dying at this point.

I always wanted to draw in people's attention, to be deemed an important person, to be understood and appreciated, yet I can't see anything. It's so dark, I feel so numb, what is there to do? What can I do? I just want to be normal, to have friends, to have a job, to be strong to face such things, and achieve them. I envy everyone, even some of the folks here, because everyone can do stuff. I am immobilized, I want to understand why I am immobilized, but I can't. It never ends. It always repeats. I just wanted people to treated normally, yet I'm not.

Everyone treats me differently, everywhere. No way out, not even ctb will change people's perceptions of me as something to be pitied. The horror of being deemed as something lesser due to my autism is too much. Too much!

Noone will respond to me. What can be said? Because I am just a person like the many more people on this forum that suffer just as much if not more. So they prioritize who expresses themselves in a more relatable manner. Yet I? I always talk in this shit-ass way that makes people not wanna talk...

I'm tired, I'm so tired, no matter how much I sleep, I am tired. There's no end. There will never be any end, even if I ctb.

 

[RainyAfternoon]

Everyone treats me differently, everywhere. No way out, not even ctb will change people's perceptions of me as something to be pitied. The horror of being deemed as something lesser due to my autism is too much. Too much!

I felt this way for a long time, until I finally found a very neurodiverse group of friends in real life. Once you find a group of people who are more understanding of being "different", it gets easier. Believe me, they are out there (and on these forums). There are people who will accept you for who you are, and even admire you for your uniqueness.