Went to the top of tall building (~70 meters) . I was right there. I even left in the middle of work, left my keys in the car for somebody to steal. I figured who cares? I stayed up their for like an hour. Crying and shit. I'm such a pussy. I was discord calling with some weirdo i met on 4chan that same morning because i thought maybe they would give me motivation to do it. But they just ended up telling me not to (which i am SICK of). Eventually threw my phone off. Threw my shoes and my hat off. (Hat has a lot of sentimental value). I thought throwing those things off would give me more motivation to finally jump myself, but it didn't.
I kept giving myself mantras. Reminding myself the reason why I'm doing it. Trying to tell myself that all the worries that keep me alive don't matter and that they'll stop existing after I jump. I was trying to convince myself that my present reality was like one of those video games, and what I could currently see and hear were the only things that existed.
Google told me it would be a 3.8 second fall. I knew it would be a painless impact, and a guaranteed success, but I was really scared of those 3.8 seconds (view from halfway down type shit). Plus, all that survival instinct. I wasn't able to convince myself that the stuff I was worried about just didn't exist.
I kept telling myself that "tomorrow doesn't exist". I told myself "this afternoon doesn't exist" until it became afternoon.
After i threw the phone down, I actually snapped out of it, instead of giving me the motivation I was hoping for. I left the building, but somebody noticed me i guess and I got detained and 5150ed for just 24 hours.
Now it's tomorrow. The same tomorrow that I kept telling myself doesn't exist.
It's been over 48 hours since the inciting incident that caused me to finally decide I wanted to do it. I'm actually DISGISTED by the idea that the pain I'm feeling now someday won't matter to me. That I'll someday feel better. That I'll just get used to the pain. I don't want that future. The possible futures that would have been worth living through, i now realize aren't possible.
I also called my friend while I was up there. Scared her to death. I mostly called her in order for my last words to be known. I love her and appreciate her. Her and her reaction to my death are one of the many things i have to convince myself don't matter, or don't even truly exist.
I fear the further I get from the inciting incident, the less emotional energy and motivation I'll have to do what I need to do and avoid my fate instead of just growing tired and accepting my fate.
Please. I need advice. It's not impossible that I can get it done tomorrow morning if only my mind would turn off for just a second and let my legs just run and jump! Maybe the fall would be freeing. Maybe my heart would smile and relax knowing that my fate is sealed and there's nothing more that can possibly be done.
Please. What can I do to actually succeed in my mission instead of freezing up and repeating the same mistake as yesterday?
I kept giving myself mantras. Reminding myself the reason why I'm doing it. Trying to tell myself that all the worries that keep me alive don't matter and that they'll stop existing after I jump. I was trying to convince myself that my present reality was like one of those video games, and what I could currently see and hear were the only things that existed.
Google told me it would be a 3.8 second fall. I knew it would be a painless impact, and a guaranteed success, but I was really scared of those 3.8 seconds (view from halfway down type shit). Plus, all that survival instinct. I wasn't able to convince myself that the stuff I was worried about just didn't exist.
I kept telling myself that "tomorrow doesn't exist". I told myself "this afternoon doesn't exist" until it became afternoon.
After i threw the phone down, I actually snapped out of it, instead of giving me the motivation I was hoping for. I left the building, but somebody noticed me i guess and I got detained and 5150ed for just 24 hours.
Now it's tomorrow. The same tomorrow that I kept telling myself doesn't exist.
It's been over 48 hours since the inciting incident that caused me to finally decide I wanted to do it. I'm actually DISGISTED by the idea that the pain I'm feeling now someday won't matter to me. That I'll someday feel better. That I'll just get used to the pain. I don't want that future. The possible futures that would have been worth living through, i now realize aren't possible.
I also called my friend while I was up there. Scared her to death. I mostly called her in order for my last words to be known. I love her and appreciate her. Her and her reaction to my death are one of the many things i have to convince myself don't matter, or don't even truly exist.
I fear the further I get from the inciting incident, the less emotional energy and motivation I'll have to do what I need to do and avoid my fate instead of just growing tired and accepting my fate.
Please. I need advice. It's not impossible that I can get it done tomorrow morning if only my mind would turn off for just a second and let my legs just run and jump! Maybe the fall would be freeing. Maybe my heart would smile and relax knowing that my fate is sealed and there's nothing more that can possibly be done.
Please. What can I do to actually succeed in my mission instead of freezing up and repeating the same mistake as yesterday?
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