I failed to find a reason to live, and I failed to die as well

[GreatCoal123]

(I used a translation tool because English is not my first language. Please forgive any awkward expressions.)

For the past ten years, I have suffered immensely for various reasons. Even when I think I should be happy or want to be happy, feelings of depression soon return.

I repeatedly ask myself, "Why am I alive?" Despite exploring other questions in life that gradually find their answers, this one question always lingers. Recently, I came to a realization about why I couldn't find an answer: it was a question that never had an answer in the first place. The reason for my existence stemmed solely from my parents' intentions, and I had no choice in the matter. Living itself holds no meaning. Society constantly whispers that I should simply smile, and that only those with problems consider suicide. I never even had a chance to control my own life.

I do not intend to blame my parents. They have always respected my opinions, provided materially without any shortcomings, and above all, they have always loved me.

I'm not the so-called "loser" lying in my room cursing society. I have worked hard to avoid being perceived that way. I have also endeavored to produce results. Desiring nothing more than recognition, I studied diligently to prove I wasn't just standing still. I entered a school that ranks within the top 20 in my country, joined a club, and even took on a leadership role. I consistently met old friends because I wanted to prove that I am not a "loser."

But then... questions arose: "Who am I trying to prove this to?" "Why must I endure this pain and loneliness, pretending it means nothing?" If my life has solely been about rationalization and must continue to be so, then why have I lived and why do I continue to live?

I brought one of my father's ties. I wrapped it around a sturdy support and attempted to tie a noose. After a few trials and errors, I succeeded in positioning it correctly. As I knelt and slowly lost consciousness, I felt fear. I thought of how sad my mother would be. So, I stood back up. After several attempts spaced out over days, the result was always the same. Months passed again. Just two days ago, the tie finally frayed and broke.

I bought a 10mm thick, 5m climbing rope online. This time, even if it brings some pain, I will definitely end it. With a complete noose. I hope this will finally provide me with peace and an answer to my questions.

See you again.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

Yea bud, a word of advice, don't. Not cause this is some "pro life argument" but because you most surely will mess it up. The mechanics of ending yourself are HARD.
You have a really high chance of just hurting yourself. Ask around the forum, I'm not the only one that's gonna say that to you.
What's your first language btw? Im curious

Yea bud, a word of advice, don't. Not cause this is some "pro life argument" but because you most surely will mess it up. The mechanics of ending yourself are HARD.
You have a really high chance of just hurting yourself. Ask around the forum, I'm not the only one that's gonna say that to you.
What's your first language btw? Im curious

Also not forcing your hand here, do whatever you want, but if you wanna "end it" you gotta study up a bit, impulsive attempts have a high chance of failing.
Please don't bring more pain into your life than you need to. I think there's a methods section in this forum somewhere too.

 

[GreatCoal123]

Yea bud, a word of advice, don't. Not cause this is some "pro life argument" but because you most surely will mess it up. The mechanics of ending yourself are HARD.
You have a really high chance of just hurting yourself. Ask around the forum, I'm not the only one that's gonna say that to you.
What's your first language btw? Im curious

Also not forcing your hand here, do whatever you want, but if you wanna "end it" you gotta study up a bit, impulsive attempts have a high chance of failing.
Please don't bring more pain into your life than you need to. I think there's a methods section in this forum somewhere too.

Thank you for your response.

I've looked into various methods of suicide and even attempted some, but one thing I've learned is that dying can be quite difficult. It seems that life can be pretty resilient, even if it's not the best.

I want to prepare more thoroughly and go without pain, but that also proves to be challenging. At one point, I considered using nitrogen or helium gas for suicide, but I was taken aback when I heard that I would need 600 liters. In my country, even if you want to buy more than 45 liters, you need to have a business registration and state your purpose for purchase. Moreover, I have limited funds, so I need to find methods that cost less than $1000...

I apologize for being unable to answer your question about my native language. Unfortunately, our country may claim to be free, but if anyone finds out you're looking into suicide, the police might show up at your door.