i failed a half-assed attempt like a loser

[fishlover]

i dont know how much longer i can keep living after tonight. its hard to know where to begin. i dont really have anyone to tell this to. i guess if im only just talking into the void thats ok too, though. im sorry this is so long, if anyone reads the entire thing- thank you.

today, i realized that i dont matter as much to the people i care about as i wish they did. im not as important to my friends as they are to me. and i guess thats ok. they cant be blamed. im me. and they dont owe me anything. its ok. but it hurts terribly bad.

and i felt so unbearably lonely, i couldnt take it anymore. i took my canvas belt- flexible, since its made of fabric- looped it around my neck with the buckle through the strap, and tied the other end around the pole of the closet in the room im staying in. the pole supported my weight, and i leaned forward, and i could feel the belt tighten around my neck. and im tall enough, and the closet is short enough, that all i had to do was drop to a half-kneeling position and id hang myself.
but i guess a belt isnt ideal, i mean sure- of course it isnt. but i didnt have anything else- so as i slowly dropped my weight, the belt tightened really uncomfortably against the front of my throat, and thats when i stood up and took the belt off like a fucking pussy.
it was desperate i guess, im pretty sure partial hanging is possible with a belt, i just have to find the right position. but i couldnt do it.

i panicked really bad afterwards but after awhile i calmed down.
for context, im in the process of moving and in the meantime im staying with a childhood friend and her mom, who i consider family. shes also depressed (but medicated) and is one of the few people who knows im depressed as well (although she doesnt agree because im "high functioning" and "dont act depressed" even though i recently got an official diagnosis for major depressive disorder. but whatever, i just dont argue about it.)

after i calmed down, i wanted company so i went to the room my ch friend is in. i acted like nothing had happened- painted my nails, talked about stupid shit she likes, etc. my ch friend (most of the time) is really funny, extremely honest/blunt, and gives good advice. i like this about her, and we usually have really good conversations.

but after a while the conversation migrated to something about attractiveness/confidence. im very clear that i dont like my appearance at all. im self conscious, insecure, whatever. and one of my biggest i guess "triggers" for my insecurity are pictures and videos of myself. i hate pictures. i dont have a single one of myself currently. im very adamant about it and i avoid getting my pictures taken in group photos, etc. however this seems to be a very unpopular and criticized dislike of mine, because people in my life constantly take pictures of me when im not aware of it anyway. mainly, my mom. but then my ch friend mentioned that she has a lot of pictures of me as well. semi recent ones. without my knowledge or permission.

i asked her to delete them. i was pissed but i try to avoid confrontation, especially since im staying in her house. i dont want to be kicked out. but it turned into a sort of heated discussion about how "people who care about you want to have photos to remember you by" if you actually cared about me, cant you respect that i dont like photos? why do you need photos of me? why does my ugliness have to be permanently ingrained into pixels? im know im ugly. i dont need it memorialized.

then, i guess she lost her patience with me. this is what she said; (not verbatim)
"you need to grow up , youre so childish. youre almost 20 and you're acting like a fucking child. its a digital world people are probably taking videos and pictures of you everytime you go outside. the camera on your laptop is probably filming you right now. you just need to grow up and deal with it, and if you cant, you should kill yourself. just do it already and stop wasting people's time. you think no one cares about you but i let you into my space, i let you stay here. i dont even let other family members stay when they call and ask but i let you stay. you say your mom doesnt care but she was talking to my mom months ago on the phone about how youre so miserable and youre not going to graduate high school and she needs to support her daughter. you just take people's help and dont appreciate it, youre ungrateful and if youre going to waste people's time like this then you should kill yourself and stop wasting everyone's time. we'll bury you and be done with it like, for real. you make problems for other people. you have to decide if youre going to grow the fuck up or end it already."

obviously she kicked me out of the room after that. i didnt say anything. i just sat there and took it. i couldve said so many things about how shes not any better than me (long story) but i wouldnt dare, not when im in her space and shes doing me a big favor.

and shes right. this wasnt the first time she's told me to kill myself. about how im wasting people's time. it ran through my head over and over earlier when i had the belt around my neck. and now shes told me again. i dont know how true it is about her caring about me. shes like an older sister figure to me, always been. but would you tell someone you care about to kill themself?
but shes right. i should just do it. i just want to say im sorry. i never meant to make anyone mad or angry with me. i always deeply appreciate the favors people do for me sometimes. i like to think people let me stay in their house because i try to leave no trace behind, i always clean, i buy groceries, i try to make myself as little of an annoyance as possible. in my heart im truly grateful for the sacrifices my mom and others have done for me.

but since im me, its not enough. im always an inconvenience. no matter how hard i try i cant do anything right. i guess i dont show how thankful i am enough. im sorry.

im supposed to start a nice office job with decent pay this friday. i thought this would finally be the chance where i can show that my existence has a little value to it, that i did something, that im not completely useless. but i dont know. i want to die. i want to die i just want to die nothing i do will ever be right, and im ugly and fat and i will never have the love or care i crave. and im sorry that im such an inconvenience and i know now for sure that, my death will be a relief to all. i dont have anything to live for.

ill find a way to end it for sure soon.

 

[d3ad]

I am really sorry OP. It seems like you are going through a lot, and it's taking a toll on you. It is understandable why you would want to end your pain and suffering. You do not deserve to go through such pain. Failing an attempt and having to bottle that up can just make you feel even worse. I can relate to some of the stuff you are going through, and I understand the pain. Your friend had absolutely no right to violate your boundaries, she was wrong for that, period. I also hate taking pictures, and I would be livid if someone took them without my consent. She is also a horrible person for saying all that stuff to you. It's actually verbal abuse. You deserve better. Nobody should mistreat you, even if they are assisting you with something.

Congratulations on the job! It is a huge accomplishment, and if you decide to go for it, I wish you all the best.

You are not alone. If you need someone to talk to or just to vent, I am here.

 

[fishlover]

I am really sorry OP. It seems like you are going through a lot, and it's taking a toll on you. It is understandable why you would want to end your pain and suffering. You do not deserve to go through such pain. Failing an attempt and having to bottle that up can just make you feel even worse. I can relate to some of the stuff you are going through, and I understand the pain. Your friend had absolutely no right to violate your boundaries, she was wrong for that, period. I also hate taking pictures, and I would be livid if someone took them without my consent. She is also a horrible person for saying all that stuff to you. It's actually verbal abuse. You deserve better. Nobody should mistreat you, even if they are assisting you with something.

Congratulations on the job! It is a huge accomplishment, and if you decide to go for it, I wish you all the best.

You are not alone. If you need someone to talk to or just to vent, I am here.

thank you, i really appreciate that you took the time to read everything and reply im sorry that you relate- wouldnt wish feeling this way on even my worst enemy. im glad im not alone on hating pictures tho! also, as much as i appreciate the kind words- i genuinely understand where my ch friend is coming from, and i dont blame her as i can be immensely annoying. i do feel she contradicts herself and is a bitttt of a hypocrite, but her point still stands.

and ty again, its def a huge step for me. im excited to start working if i dont ctb before friday

 

[SVEN]

Many of us read it all (me anyway) but I guess a lot of us are really cautious about unintentionally saying the wrong thing and adding to the pain someone who is already hurting feels.
Sounds a wee bit to me as if your friend truly does care for you, and is angry and frustrated with herself for not being able to do much to help and comfort you. Do you honestly believe that she would have said you would be as well killing yourself if she had known that just a few minutes earlier you had attempted to. It sounds to me more like the type of silly (and unintended) thing folk say when they get tired of every positive suggestion they try to make gets knocked back.
You make such an effort to try to not be a burden and fit in, I'd bet that few around you really get just how miserable and depressed you truly are … and only folk who have experienced depression truly empathise.
I'm so sorry for all that has happened and wish you all the best.

 

[fishlover]

Many of us read it all (me anyway) but I guess a lot of us are really cautious about unintentionally saying the wrong thing and adding to the pain someone who is already hurting feels.
Sounds a wee bit to me as if your friend truly does care for you, and is angry and frustrated with herself for not being able to do much to help and comfort you. Do you honestly believe that she would have said you would be as well killing yourself if she had known that just a few minutes earlier you had attempted to. It sounds to me more like the type of silly (and unintended) thing folk say when they get tired of every positive suggestion they try to make gets knocked back.
You make such an effort to try to not be a burden and fit in, I'd bet that few around you really get just how miserable and depressed you truly are … and only folk who have experienced depression truly empathise.
I'm so sorry for all that has happened and wish you all the best.

thank you for replying- thats a good point, sometimes i read a post and avoid saying something because im not sure if its the right thing to say too.

i dont know, its hard for me to believe that anyone cares for me. but i realize that sometimes i have a very narrow view of things and i guess little things go unnoticed, because i just genuinely never consider that anyone could feel anything positive towards me. but i simply cant even comprehend why she wants to help me in the first place.
also idk, i half believe that she would have told me to finish the job if she knew i was trying to kms before the conversation. or maybe, she would've lectured me about how inconsiderate it is to die in someone else's home and how my dead body would be a major inconvenience (which is true)

anyway, ty for your kind words

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

I resonate with your story very deeply.

I have friends, I suppose, but I'm not a "favourite" at all. There's better people out there than me and they know this. In times of need, I don't really have anyone and when I die, they definitely won't notice. They've replaced me before they even realised I was gone.

I've never come across another person that had the same severe self-image issues+self-hatred to the point of avoiding photos the same way I do. I still do that and it upsets my family because I'm "ruining their fun". Often ducking or running out of the room when I see a camera. The only pictures that exist of me are taken from when I was a child. Anything after, like... 2nd grade--nothing. (Very very rare selfies over the years but those are private and I otherwise avoid it completely). I even managed to avoid getting my yearbook pictures. I'm not sure how, but they don't really pay attention to that anyway. It, in a way, proves my own point that I'm just a ghost around people. I've often been told that I leave no presence behind in the way that no one could sense I was even there.

I think it's very unfair that they have photos of you without consent and using the reasoning that "anyone can take a photo of you, so stop caring," (I also used to keep my webcams covered because of the very thing your friend mention, but I'm currently using a monitor where there is no camera so I don't need to do it atm" is just a careless thing to say to a person when that's your boundaries and it should be respected. Of course we can't control what a rando does in public, but it's generally frowned upon to record video/photo of people without consent. Nobody likes that. SO when it's someone you know personally telling you that your boundary regarding that doesn't matter and that it makes you selfish for it--it's just rude.

Sure, they're doing you a big favour, but they could also at least respect your wishes. When you see yourself as a repulsive being, you don't want that saved in photos forever. I don't want that. It's why I avoid it. I've also had friends tell me "if you're so depressed than just kill yourself" and "you just have so much baggage I can't handle it". It's a very lonely feeling being told this more than once by different people no less. :')

Do not beat yourself up too badly for failing to ctb or being "cowardly" about it. I'm also a constant failure in that regard. I don't know if I'll ever have a successful attempt, but while you are still here, I hope getting that job will help you find the value you seek from life. It's the little things that help along the way.

 

[fishlover]

I resonate with your story very deeply.

I have friends, I suppose, but I'm not a "favourite" at all. There's better people out there than me and they know this. In times of need, I don't really have anyone and when I die, they definitely won't notice. They've replaced me before they even realised I was gone.

yes exactly! im sorry you relate

I've never come across another person that had the same severe self-image issues+self-hatred to the point of avoiding photos the same way I do. I still do that and it upsets my family because I'm "ruining their fun".

I think it's very unfair that they have photos of you without consent and using the reasoning that "anyone can take a photo of you, so stop caring," (I also used to keep my webcams covered because of the very thing your friend mention, but I'm currently using a monitor where there is no camera so I don't need to do it atm" is just a careless thing to say to a person when that's your boundaries and it should be respected. Of course we can't control what a rando does in public, but it's generally frowned upon to record video/photo of people without consent. Nobody likes that. SO when it's someone you know personally telling you that your boundary regarding that doesn't matter and that it makes you selfish for it--it's just rude.

Sure, they're doing you a big favour, but they could also at least respect your wishes. When you see yourself as a repulsive being, you don't want that saved in photos forever. I don't want that. It's why I avoid it. I've also had friends tell me "if you're so depressed than just kill yourself" and "you just have so much baggage I can't handle it". It's a very lonely feeling being told this more than once by different people no less. :')

Do not beat yourself up too badly for failing to ctb or being "cowardly" about it. I'm also a constant failure in that regard. I don't know if I'll ever have a successful attempt, but while you are still here, I hope getting that job will help you find the value you seek from life. It's the little things that help along the way.

i havent met anyone in real life that feels the same way either! i really do feel its such an unpopular dislike. maybe even some people feel forced to be ok with taking pictures despite their insecurities simply because being in front of a camera is so common now. but no matter what anyone says i just cant be okay with it.
also yeah, i keep my webcams covered all the time too. but my friend's comments just made me even more paranoid. unfortunately i live in a densely populated city where people really do have phones out all the time- usually i try not to think about it but now i dont feel like going outside at all

again, im sorry you relate. it feels like for every "its not true, youre important and cared for" i get about 3 "you need to kys" lol. i guess people who say those things are never truly your friends to begin with. (even if what they say holds truth in my regard)

thank you for your kind words, i wish you luck

 

[Linda]

I read your post carefully. You're down, for reasons that are perfectly valid, but it's not time for you to die. I'm sure of that, even if you're not. Loneliness is hard to handle, but the best way to handle it is to get out and meet people. Even if "getting out and meeting people" fails 9 times out of 10 - which it always did for me - eventually you get a win or two. You just have to keep doing it. People should respect your wish not to be photographed, and you are right to remind them of that, but remember that most photographs get looked at only once or twice and are soon forgotten. It's not worth putting a huge amount of energy into trying to prevent it happening.. Save your energy for something that will do you more good.

Start your new job on Friday, and take it from there. Good luck.

 

[ArjunRamDas]

i dont know how much longer i can keep living after tonight. its hard to know where to begin. i dont really have anyone to tell this to. i guess if im only just talking into the void thats ok too, though. im sorry this is so long, if anyone reads the entire thing- thank you.

today, i realized that i dont matter as much to the people i care about as i wish they did. im not as important to my friends as they are to me. and i guess thats ok. they cant be blamed. im me. and they dont owe me anything. its ok. but it hurts terribly bad.

and i felt so unbearably lonely, i couldnt take it anymore. i took my canvas belt- flexible, since its made of fabric- looped it around my neck with the buckle through the strap, and tied the other end around the pole of the closet in the room im staying in. the pole supported my weight, and i leaned forward, and i could feel the belt tighten around my neck. and im tall enough, and the closet is short enough, that all i had to do was drop to a half-kneeling position and id hang myself.
but i guess a belt isnt ideal, i mean sure- of course it isnt. but i didnt have anything else- so as i slowly dropped my weight, the belt tightened really uncomfortably against the front of my throat, and thats when i stood up and took the belt off like a fucking pussy.
it was desperate i guess, im pretty sure partial hanging is possible with a belt, i just have to find the right position. but i couldnt do it.

i panicked really bad afterwards but after awhile i calmed down.
for context, im in the process of moving and in the meantime im staying with a childhood friend and her mom, who i consider family. shes also depressed (but medicated) and is one of the few people who knows im depressed as well (although she doesnt agree because im "high functioning" and "dont act depressed" even though i recently got an official diagnosis for major depressive disorder. but whatever, i just dont argue about it.)

after i calmed down, i wanted company so i went to the room my ch friend is in. i acted like nothing had happened- painted my nails, talked about stupid shit she likes, etc. my ch friend (most of the time) is really funny, extremely honest/blunt, and gives good advice. i like this about her, and we usually have really good conversations.

but after a while the conversation migrated to something about attractiveness/confidence. im very clear that i dont like my appearance at all. im self conscious, insecure, whatever. and one of my biggest i guess "triggers" for my insecurity are pictures and videos of myself. i hate pictures. i dont have a single one of myself currently. im very adamant about it and i avoid getting my pictures taken in group photos, etc. however this seems to be a very unpopular and criticized dislike of mine, because people in my life constantly take pictures of me when im not aware of it anyway. mainly, my mom. but then my ch friend mentioned that she has a lot of pictures of me as well. semi recent ones. without my knowledge or permission.

i asked her to delete them. i was pissed but i try to avoid confrontation, especially since im staying in her house. i dont want to be kicked out. but it turned into a sort of heated discussion about how "people who care about you want to have photos to remember you by" if you actually cared about me, cant you respect that i dont like photos? why do you need photos of me? why does my ugliness have to be permanently ingrained into pixels? im know im ugly. i dont need it memorialized.

then, i guess she lost her patience with me. this is what she said; (not verbatim)
"you need to grow up , youre so childish. youre almost 20 and you're acting like a fucking child. its a digital world people are probably taking videos and pictures of you everytime you go outside. the camera on your laptop is probably filming you right now. you just need to grow up and deal with it, and if you cant, you should kill yourself. just do it already and stop wasting people's time. you think no one cares about you but i let you into my space, i let you stay here. i dont even let other family members stay when they call and ask but i let you stay. you say your mom doesnt care but she was talking to my mom months ago on the phone about how youre so miserable and youre not going to graduate high school and she needs to support her daughter. you just take people's help and dont appreciate it, youre ungrateful and if youre going to waste people's time like this then you should kill yourself and stop wasting everyone's time. we'll bury you and be done with it like, for real. you make problems for other people. you have to decide if youre going to grow the fuck up or end it already."

obviously she kicked me out of the room after that. i didnt say anything. i just sat there and took it. i couldve said so many things about how shes not any better than me (long story) but i wouldnt dare, not when im in her space and shes doing me a big favor.

and shes right. this wasnt the first time she's told me to kill myself. about how im wasting people's time. it ran through my head over and over earlier when i had the belt around my neck. and now shes told me again. i dont know how true it is about her caring about me. shes like an older sister figure to me, always been. but would you tell someone you care about to kill themself?
but shes right. i should just do it. i just want to say im sorry. i never meant to make anyone mad or angry with me. i always deeply appreciate the favors people do for me sometimes. i like to think people let me stay in their house because i try to leave no trace behind, i always clean, i buy groceries, i try to make myself as little of an annoyance as possible. in my heart im truly grateful for the sacrifices my mom and others have done for me.

but since im me, its not enough. im always an inconvenience. no matter how hard i try i cant do anything right. i guess i dont show how thankful i am enough. im sorry.

im supposed to start a nice office job with decent pay this friday. i thought this would finally be the chance where i can show that my existence has a little value to it, that i did something, that im not completely useless. but i dont know. i want to die. i want to die i just want to die nothing i do will ever be right, and im ugly and fat and i will never have the love or care i crave. and im sorry that im such an inconvenience and i know now for sure that, my death will be a relief to all. i dont have anything to live for.

ill find a way to end it for sure soon.

I feel like people really do care - in their own way, but that most people are so self absorbed, they don't realize how their actions (or lack of actions) are affecting the people in their lives who may be depressed, suicidal etc.

I know in his own way my dad loves me, and yet he has nothing to do with me for months at a time, even when I reach out. He has no idea about my many failed suicide attempts and my depression.

I totally relate about not wanting people to find my body. It's the one thing that has stopped me many times - fear of karma for forcing someone to be shocked with the finding of my body and having to carry that memory the rest of their life.

I tried to hang myself in the car with a method where you weight a backpack and strap it around your neck and throw the backpack behind you. I have a small car and it kept getting stuck on the seat behind. When I finally got it free, I felt the pressure on my neck but started to freak out, from fear of being reincarnated to a worse life. I grabbed the bag back up and just started sobbing and I felt so scared and tired and cold. I just wished I coul peacefully lay down to die. I drove home, disappointed with myself for yet another failed attempt…

I hated my picture being taken from about age 8-16. Threw away all my childhood photos when I realized they didn't mean anything to my dad.

When life is painful, we get blinded to our own high qualities. You are beautiful. Every shape color and variety of being is unique and beautiful.

I think your friend does care but is frustrated and unable to communicate in a positive way. Perhaps she mistakenly thinks bullying you will make you change..

I hope your job is going well. You are not alone

 

[devilsnjd]

I have similar issues as a 32 year old male. It has gotten to the point that I am housebound and unable to work or participate in life any longer.

What makes it worse is being objectively unattractive and being diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder (bdd), which is like an OCD disorder where on the forefront of my mind, every minute of every day, no matter what I am doing are intrusive thoughts of how ugly I am. Constantly checking myself in the mirror, seeing my reflection in any reflective surface like a car mirror or window, causes crippling anxiety. I need to have a hat with me at all times as a security blanket to leave the house. I take a bunch of selfies of my face and store them on my phone, to remind myself that this ugliness is what people see and why I am single, unsuccessful, and treated with contempt despite trying to be a genuine person. Bullying as a kid, loneliness as an adult, my issues I mentioned make it very difficult to contribute to society as a functional human and have a quality of life.

I have been dealing with BDD in silence since I was 14, and masked it as best as I could from those around me due to embarrassment. I got officially diagnosed at 25. Medication helped somewhat and cognitive behavioural therapy, but any stressor or life challenge that arises and I spiral into the BDD cycle with the grooming rituals and constant fixation on my appearance.

I am turning 33 this year but do not plan to be around. If any of the symptoms I listed sound familiar, I suggest seeing a psychiatrist, as BDD is something that gets worse over time due to aging and is treatable (not curable) if detected at the onset. General appearance concerns are normal for many people, but when they impact your ability to function on a basic level as in my case, it very well could be BDD. I am on a huge dose of zoloft 300mg (standard dose is 50 mg) coupled with an antipsychotic (olanzapine).

In my case I struggled with myself at my best, when I was youthful, in shape. Imagine now as I am entering my mid thirties, beginning to have a receding hairline, and my huge nose and forehead with wrinkles stand out.

I plan to CTB when my SN arrives. I have been waiting patiently for 28 days and hope it clears customs and arrives. Luckily for me my prescription olanzapine doubles as an anti-emetic.

Good luck to you and if your appearance concerns sound similar to my story, don't make the same mistake of waiting too long for help.