Venting I dunno what's up with me

[ImNotReal]

I don't know how to title this????

I've never been public about suicidal ideation. I don't even know if most people would ever guess i'm depressed. I talk to people. I'm chatty. I smile alot. People like me.

I feel like everything's this big facade y'know? I don't connect with anyone. All my stupid brain does anymore is think about bad things to do to myself or just insult people I'm around. I know I don't mean anything. But it's lead me to have a decently low opinion of... People. If it were up to me I wouldn't talk to another person again. But because I have to be an adult. I force myself to engage with coworkers and family and such.

I feel like I'm having whole conversations with people and the entire time in my head I'm just. Disinterested? Very very hateful. Sometimes suicidal thoughts get super bad at work and I have to just kinda work through it. Am I like a sociopath??

I hate the majority of my coworkers but they all think we're besties. I remember things I can bring up with them. But in my head it's not a "ooh I need to tell James this!" It's like a stupid game to me. Like I'm playing the Sims and I need to keep my relationship stats up with everyone. Recently I stopped speaking unless spoken to. And people are noticing I'm "quieter" then usual. People are asking if I'm okay.

This is just who I am! I'm sorry Ive accidentally pretended were good enough friends too hard and I can't play my character forever.

I need to kill myself SOON this shit is so tiring

 

[Griever]

 

[easypeasy]

Hey, I just wanted to say I really get this — not just the suicidal stuff, but the part where you feel like you're performing friendship. Like you're going through the motions because that's what you're meant to do, but it doesn't actually mean anything inside. I've felt that too, like I'm managing social stats in a game just to keep things from falling apart.

You're not a sociopath. You're tired. It's exhausting pretending to be okay all the time, especially when everyone thinks you're bubbly or chatty or "doing fine." And it doesn't make you fake — it means you've just been holding up too much alone for too long.

You don't have to explain who you are to anyone. You're not broken, you're burnt out. Just wanted you to know someone read this and got it.