SolomonKado
This is taking too long…
- Jul 4, 2023
- 424
I hope I'm not over-producing threads. I don't want to be causing anyone grief.
My daughters 18 yo friend messaged me today to check up on me. A couple days ago her another lady showed up to my door saying they were here to check on me. I didn't answer the door and told them I was in a different town getting medical attention. Every time my daughters friend messaged me I say I'm not home as polite as possible with some new excuse. I was messaged by her asking if I'm doing okay and then the message turned into how she over thinks things, worries about what others think, and about being overwhelmed being a new adult. I gave her some words of wisdom about don't put your faith in people and take care of yourself first. I sent the same words to my daughter. All these these things I didn't learn till I was in my 40's. I just worked hard, did the best I could, and freaked out when I got a bad evaluation thinking I wasn't good enough. That original feeling of not being good enough came from my dad not taking me with him when I was 6 and he left my mom one night. It only got worse from there. He also died a few weeks later from electrocution working on farm machinery. I told her and my daughter both to make themselves the priorities and if they ever get bad evaluations see it as a growing experience, but also being aware that some people will give you bad ones to keep you in your place because of pride or jealousy. To keep from out shining them the person who wrote it. As a species we are flawed and some people hurt us and they don't notice it because it's apart of their nature. Either that or they love to hurt others because of their own mental issues.
Today i have a bulged lower disc, neuropathy in my extremities from a hep c treatment I went through in 2001 for a full year with pills and injections I did myself. I got it from donating blood. Depression, high anxiety, social anxiety, ptsd, alcoholism, addiction, and insomnia.
While I was in the military we had to take part of drills on submarines about fire, flooding, medical emergencies, terrorism, etc. I still hear the alarms going off more so because a couple of those drills weren't drills. I am now really good at preparing for the worst possible event that I can't turn it off. Everything is a horrible event waiting to happen. I've had many traumas in my life that makes the preparing for the worst even worse.
I have been in therapy for the entire time I've worked at a prison and I take 4 different meds for mental health. They won't give me the better stuff because I'm also an alcoholic/addict.
I was just let go recently from my job at a prison because my doctor pulled me from work for really bad panic attacks. I ran out of paid work leave, FMLA, and any other time they give us. A lot was due to calling off because whenever I would go to work I'd have panic attacks or by the end of the day I'd be so fried from the stress. The panic attacks were a build up from seeing myself and other staff getting hurt and attacked by inmates. It wasn't the attack of the inmates that got me. It was the fact that staff treating inmates badly caused the attacks. Most of the time the inmates wouldn't go after the perpetrator. They'd go after who came by them next. Didn't help that supervisors and management treated us like cattle and not human beings. Unless you were friends with the right people. I sound disgruntled, but I have ample reason to be.
My mental health only got drastically worse because over the last 14 years working there I kept telling myself "hang in there" "it will get better."
I tried doing something about it, but it would get swept under the rug like nothing ever happened or I'd magically show up with more write ups.
Now I'm at a point I am afraid to go outside because people out there could cause me to get hurt or treat me badly because I'm not friends with the right people. I have ultimately alienated myself and it's normal not to hear from people for days or weeks unless I get a wild hair and message someone so I have someone to talk to and the conversation lasts maybe 10 minutes. That's if they are engaged and apart of the conversation.
I hate that whatever happens to me I might break 2 kids, but all life has taught me is it's going to keep getting worse. I did the best I could to teach my daughter to be strong. From cooking, wood working, projects, cleaning, and to have a good work ethic. I even taught her to take care of herself. I'm afraid maybe someday I'll live in prison and not just work there because some cops are dirty and our system is flawed. Not all cops because a lot of the ones who I care about try their hardest to do the right thing. Whenever there is an overdose in the inmate population it's because a cop brought in the drugs.
There are people who were put in state prison for marijuana possession, before they legalized it in my state, and the government is in absolutely no rush to get them out. Inmates make them money having them in there everyday. This world is disgusting and people are faster to treat you badly than they are to be polite. I am so disgruntled, bitter, cynical, and painfully hurting. I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted, tired, and don't even have motivation to clean my house or take care of myself. I don't want to do this anymore. I am truly sorry if I shared wrong or needed to put this all somewhere else. I'm just bursting at the seems with pain and can't keep it in anymore…
My daughters 18 yo friend messaged me today to check up on me. A couple days ago her another lady showed up to my door saying they were here to check on me. I didn't answer the door and told them I was in a different town getting medical attention. Every time my daughters friend messaged me I say I'm not home as polite as possible with some new excuse. I was messaged by her asking if I'm doing okay and then the message turned into how she over thinks things, worries about what others think, and about being overwhelmed being a new adult. I gave her some words of wisdom about don't put your faith in people and take care of yourself first. I sent the same words to my daughter. All these these things I didn't learn till I was in my 40's. I just worked hard, did the best I could, and freaked out when I got a bad evaluation thinking I wasn't good enough. That original feeling of not being good enough came from my dad not taking me with him when I was 6 and he left my mom one night. It only got worse from there. He also died a few weeks later from electrocution working on farm machinery. I told her and my daughter both to make themselves the priorities and if they ever get bad evaluations see it as a growing experience, but also being aware that some people will give you bad ones to keep you in your place because of pride or jealousy. To keep from out shining them the person who wrote it. As a species we are flawed and some people hurt us and they don't notice it because it's apart of their nature. Either that or they love to hurt others because of their own mental issues.
Today i have a bulged lower disc, neuropathy in my extremities from a hep c treatment I went through in 2001 for a full year with pills and injections I did myself. I got it from donating blood. Depression, high anxiety, social anxiety, ptsd, alcoholism, addiction, and insomnia.
While I was in the military we had to take part of drills on submarines about fire, flooding, medical emergencies, terrorism, etc. I still hear the alarms going off more so because a couple of those drills weren't drills. I am now really good at preparing for the worst possible event that I can't turn it off. Everything is a horrible event waiting to happen. I've had many traumas in my life that makes the preparing for the worst even worse.
I have been in therapy for the entire time I've worked at a prison and I take 4 different meds for mental health. They won't give me the better stuff because I'm also an alcoholic/addict.
I was just let go recently from my job at a prison because my doctor pulled me from work for really bad panic attacks. I ran out of paid work leave, FMLA, and any other time they give us. A lot was due to calling off because whenever I would go to work I'd have panic attacks or by the end of the day I'd be so fried from the stress. The panic attacks were a build up from seeing myself and other staff getting hurt and attacked by inmates. It wasn't the attack of the inmates that got me. It was the fact that staff treating inmates badly caused the attacks. Most of the time the inmates wouldn't go after the perpetrator. They'd go after who came by them next. Didn't help that supervisors and management treated us like cattle and not human beings. Unless you were friends with the right people. I sound disgruntled, but I have ample reason to be.
My mental health only got drastically worse because over the last 14 years working there I kept telling myself "hang in there" "it will get better."
I tried doing something about it, but it would get swept under the rug like nothing ever happened or I'd magically show up with more write ups.
Now I'm at a point I am afraid to go outside because people out there could cause me to get hurt or treat me badly because I'm not friends with the right people. I have ultimately alienated myself and it's normal not to hear from people for days or weeks unless I get a wild hair and message someone so I have someone to talk to and the conversation lasts maybe 10 minutes. That's if they are engaged and apart of the conversation.
I hate that whatever happens to me I might break 2 kids, but all life has taught me is it's going to keep getting worse. I did the best I could to teach my daughter to be strong. From cooking, wood working, projects, cleaning, and to have a good work ethic. I even taught her to take care of herself. I'm afraid maybe someday I'll live in prison and not just work there because some cops are dirty and our system is flawed. Not all cops because a lot of the ones who I care about try their hardest to do the right thing. Whenever there is an overdose in the inmate population it's because a cop brought in the drugs.
There are people who were put in state prison for marijuana possession, before they legalized it in my state, and the government is in absolutely no rush to get them out. Inmates make them money having them in there everyday. This world is disgusting and people are faster to treat you badly than they are to be polite. I am so disgruntled, bitter, cynical, and painfully hurting. I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted, tired, and don't even have motivation to clean my house or take care of myself. I don't want to do this anymore. I am truly sorry if I shared wrong or needed to put this all somewhere else. I'm just bursting at the seems with pain and can't keep it in anymore…
