xanthe
me/ow
- May 21, 2025
- 18
ive kinda come to the conclusion in the last month, after 5 years of bullshitting myself, that i'm never gonna pass as a woman. no matter what i do now, there are certain aspects of my appearance that will be ruined forever by testosterone. and i dont think im able to forgive myself for not doing anything sooner. i actually managed to start hrt when i was 18, but money issues and mental health meant i stopped about 6 months in. i got back on it earlier this year, but i should have been coming up on the 4 year mark. instead its 6 months and thats completely my own fault. male puberty spoiled any chance i had at passing and everyone refuses to admit it but i see it, i know objectively that i dont look like a girl. when it gets really bad, i start to direct a lot of disgust and anger towards myself, and i know stepping back that not all of it is gospel, but it hurts to the point where i cant even think straight anymore. the closest i can describe it in terms of emotion is the grief of losing a family member, knowing that theres nothing you can do to change it.
im pretty exhausted with it now tbh. ive spent 5 years fighting to feel secure in my gender and ive got absolutely nothing back from it, just more pain. and it only gets worse, i have more insecurities now than i did a year ago, or even 3 or 5 years ago. they just build and build until everything i do or say or think is wrong. i honestly dont believe that there is a magic 'one day' for me anymore, because when i was 16 i thought that by now i'd be there. instead i look like i did when i was younger but with longer hair and more defined facial features. ive kinda lost that hope for myself now, i think the best i can hope for is coping with all the flaws and dressing it up in confidence. but ill never be happy with it, and the voice in my head will always tell me i look like a man when i look in the mirror.
ctb feels like i'd be doing myself a favour, because theres no evidence to show that this gets any better. i think it'll always be like this now, i'll be stuck chasing a dream that never comes true. and replaying those first weeks as a girl in my mind, when i felt so euphoric and free before the bad realisations set in. thats the only thing i miss about being 16. now i'm 21 and that joy feels like a distant memory.
im pretty exhausted with it now tbh. ive spent 5 years fighting to feel secure in my gender and ive got absolutely nothing back from it, just more pain. and it only gets worse, i have more insecurities now than i did a year ago, or even 3 or 5 years ago. they just build and build until everything i do or say or think is wrong. i honestly dont believe that there is a magic 'one day' for me anymore, because when i was 16 i thought that by now i'd be there. instead i look like i did when i was younger but with longer hair and more defined facial features. ive kinda lost that hope for myself now, i think the best i can hope for is coping with all the flaws and dressing it up in confidence. but ill never be happy with it, and the voice in my head will always tell me i look like a man when i look in the mirror.
ctb feels like i'd be doing myself a favour, because theres no evidence to show that this gets any better. i think it'll always be like this now, i'll be stuck chasing a dream that never comes true. and replaying those first weeks as a girl in my mind, when i felt so euphoric and free before the bad realisations set in. thats the only thing i miss about being 16. now i'm 21 and that joy feels like a distant memory.
