Venting I don’t want to wait but feel like I need to

[InaudibleEcho]

Ever since I made my plan, which was only last night, I've been getting impatient. I just want to CTB. I want to get it over with. I can't stop thinking about it. But for the entirety of July I have art fight so I can't do it in July plus I have summer assignments to do. And I can't even do it right now because my mom is home and awake.
God, even just feeling the belt around my neck for a little bit would make me feel a little better but I'm afraid of getting caught. So afraid of getting caught. I wish I could just fast forward time to the day I finally do it without worrying about anything I still need to do.
I'm also kinda hoping I'll be reincarnated in the world I fantasize about. I guess I'd be fine if there was nothing after death but the idea of having a life where I can be a person, be fulfilled, be with my love, is perfect. I've said it to myself so many times. Every morning I don't wake up there is a morning I didn't want to wake to.

I guess technically I can do it whenever I want but I just feel like I'm not allowed.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to be free from everything, but I guess that eventually time will pass. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for as I get that it's so tiring feeling trapped here when you just wish to be gone.