Venting I don't want to turn 21

[monetpompo]

I don't really care about getting older. I don't care about turning the drinking age because alcohol is too much money and I don't want to go to bars. If I live to be 21 I'll most likely be doing online college and still living in my parents house since i can't afford to move out. Everything good or fun about a person's life seems to revolve around how much money you have and I have none. I don't want people to tell me it gets better and I don't want to pretend some miracle will happen where I'm not a failure anymore and I actually want to do things with my life besides be a NEET. My life is isolating and dull, partially because I made it that way and partially because I don't have anyone I like in my life. Hanging out with my friends or leave the house like people tell me to costs money. There's hardly any point in leaving the house if I have nothing to do and no one to see. There must be thousands of meaningless 20 year olds who have no real will to do anything. I still don't qualify for the military because I'm not strong enough. I feel bad that I contribute so little to the world.

What scares me about getting older is the idea that I'll still be in the exact same place I am now. Mentally, physically, and socially. I'm in the same place I was when I was 14. I haven't gained any new responsibilities, haven't experienced any hardships, and have mostly bombed relationships or cut people off. When I tell therapists about my life, they think my rape when I was younger is what traumatized me and made me mentally stunted. I think that the way no one believed in me and how the experience made me more of a burden is what traumatized me instead. I would get looked down on and doted on by people older than me, and a part of me would want their sympathy. I wanted these people that weren't my parents to say they care about me, that I didn't deserve what happened to me, and that they believed me. But those people probably don't think about me years after I told them my problems, because they have their own lives to deal with. People older than me think that I have no real problems and the ones I had when I was younger don't matter anymore now that I'm an adult. The problems never went away, because I never actually got better. A suicidal 16 year old isn't a real person yet and all they're supposed to worry about is their tests and if anyone has a crush on them. A part of me wants to die just to show them that I couldn't change for the better, but maybe they expected me to kill myself the most out of the other students anyway.

I just get angry when I think about it. I can't help but get angry and I get tell anyone that because they'll just want me to not tell them about it. Saying anything about how I feel will confuse someone or ruin their night because me talking about my feelings is annoying to them. I wouldn't want to be vented to unprompted, so I get it. I just don't think you're meant to vent to your friends unless it's about petty stuff, because no one wants to hear you complain and complain about things that are actually bothering you. My feelings make me burdensome and my lack of motivation makes me boring. I try to differentiate myself from a loser or a depressed incel, but I don't know how to see good parts in myself anymore. I just think I'm an unmotivated coward. I can't help but hate everyone for being indifferent to me but I still want them to love me.

I want to have a happy life but I can only get that through money. That's all there is anymore. Any negative thoughts I have always end up being about money and how I'm not good or smart enough to get a job. I feel so much lesser than everyone and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I just feel sick. I don't know what I'm expected to do but be depressed that I don't have something that makes me feel happy or wanted.

 

[jb.fletcher]

You sound so conflicted.... You want so much to be acknowledged and loved, but you sound like you are so hard on yourself. I'm so sorry about what happened to you. It couldn't have been an easy thing to deal with at a young age, I can see how it would impact how you think and feel. You need to give yourself grace. Your feelings are valid, even if it seems no one else thinks so. People sometimes have a nasty habit of caring only for themselves, they forget other people do exist. I hope you find some like minded people here that can reach out and offer you time and space to relay your true self, without judgement. You can always hit me up as well.

You matter

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry about how you've had to go through a lot of hardships and troubles in your life thus far~ :( it sucks so much how so many people only care about themselves and not about those around them who aren't doing very well unless they want to look good or restore their conscience~ :/ I wish it could've gotten better for you after so many years of the same problems, but unfortunately, it didn't for me either, and I'm sure the same can be said for many people here~ :( just that the older you get, the less and less people care too~ >_< since now, you're expected to be an adult despite never signing up for it and never truly "graduating" from childhood either~ :/ also, if people worked 1-on-1 with you for an extended period of time, I'm sure they'd still remember you some~ :) even if just that you made them feel pleasant to be with and talk to~ :)

also, people only wanting to do stuff that costs money is so ridiculous~ >_< but welp, a lot of people just care about degenerate and addictive stuff like drugs and alcohol unfortunately~ :( returning to the days where one could just play outside with the neighborhood kids (if you did that) would be so nice~ :)

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm 21, and had had seasons of my life with death wishes, they are currently mostly gone, but might pop up as conditions fluctuate.

I myself avoid the party scene, just walking outside a nightclub and hearing the overly loud music put me off. It was as if the nightclub wanted the nearby stores to hear the music clearly.

Also, while money is useful, note there are people who live on small and medium amounts and manage to carefully plan, ration heat, avoid meat and other less-cheap things, etc. out of either necessity or habit.

Additionally, there is a difference between not having relationships and the doomish incel culture. One doesn't have to subscribe to that culture ^.^

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I want to have a happy life but I can only get that through money. That's all there is anymore. Any negative thoughts I have always end up being about money and how I'm not good or smart enough to get a job. I feel so much lesser than everyone and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I just feel sick. I don't know what I'm expected to do but be depressed that I don't have something that makes me feel happy or wanted.

Money is a very important part in our society - I would say it's the fuel. Money makes you only happy up to some degree but money is more than that and this is psychologically more important - it's security and freedom (if you have enough money or can make enough money without too much effort (note: you have to put effort into it first to harvest the "fruits" later!). However, there are still lots of things money can't buy (like health, true friends, true love ...)

Also, while money is useful, note there are people who live on small and medium amounts and manage to carefully plan, ration heat, avoid meat and other less-cheap things, etc. out of either necessity or habit.

You are right but is this the life OP (or you and me) really wanna live or you're forced to live from paycheck to paycheck? There's a big difference in whether we want to live like that OR we take it as it is and adjust and are (/ pretend to be) happy OR we don't wanna live like this but we are forced to live like this.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Money is a very important part in our society - I would say it's the fuel. Money makes you only happy up to some degree but money is more than that and this is psychologically more important - it's security and freedom (if you have enough money or can make enough money without too much effort (note: you have to put effort into it first to harvest the "fruits" later!). However, there are still lots of things money can't buy (like health, true friends, true love ...)


You are right but is this the life OP (or you and me) really wanna live or you're forced to live from paycheck to paycheck? There's a big difference in whether we want to live like that OR we take it as it is and adjust and are (/ pretend to be) happy OR we don't wanna live like this but we are forced to live like this.

Good point about money, while it is useful, it isn't the be all end all, money can't fix Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but can mitigate some of the symptoms (I don't have that syndrome afaik)

that is true, the OP wants a better standard of life than rationing, I may be able to ration a bit more, but ofc there are ppl who don't wish to ration... and being able to have spare money to donate to things I like, get sushi, etc is cool.

and ofc, my personal preference is no added heat until the temp drops below what blankets and jumpers can mitigate, no idea how few (or how many) ppl prefer that.

 

[Pluto]