Venting I don't want to leave people behind/be selfish

[luxio]

I feel so depressed and I have not felt this depressed in a while so I'm back and I don't know what to do I feel like I want to CTB and just want this to end and never have the chance to ever feel this way again because I hate how my brain hurts like this. But I don't want to leave people behind and be selfish and I don't want to hurt people I don't want to cause trauma and pain on those important to me by taking my own life and it hurts because I don't know what to do and I don't want to be alone so I want them to care but I also don't want them to care and want to be alone so I am an not leaving anything behind and it hurts every second my head hurts and even if it starts to get better I feel like I don't wanna live because I don't wanna risk feeling this way ever again and it stresses me out. I have people that care about me and I know if im gone it will hurt but I have no one to talk to or understand me and my feelings that won't be pushed away by me talking and it hurts. I am so close to people but so distant at the same time. I don't know how to die without being selfish or hurting anyone and it makes me more depressed I want to be gone. I don't know why I have to be cursed with this head I have especially when I have people that care about me why can't I just be normal and not have these thoughts and it always feels so extreme I will be crying for hours a day. I tried opening up to a friend and she just didn't really care still talks to me but became a little distant it felt like and I guess I just have unrealistic expectations for people. I have friends who feel suicidal as well and I have been able to help them with their problems so they don't feel the way I feel and I still do check ins with them incase they need help but when I open up im always to much and no one ever checks up or cares to after opening up and they feel distant and im treated like im stupid and I hate it. Sometimes I feel suicidal for no reason as well when my life isn't even that bad.