drugfiend
drinking plastic jug vodka
- Mar 19, 2024
- 13
to preface: if you are someone who takes care of their body, more power to you. this is not a personal attack on you.
now that I've gotten that out of the way...hey folks, just got off work, went for a drive to the spot I want to jump off from, backed off and drove away yet again, and now it's the start of my weekend. long term alcoholic here so shutting myself out from the world and drinking alone in my apartment is really the only thing that makes me feel better. anyway, to the topic at hand: everyone in my life needs to shut the fuck up about being healthy and taking care of your body. I am so, so tired of coworkers talking about how often they've been going to the gym, eating healthy, cutting back on alcohol/caffeine, etc. it really sucks because i know that they aren't trying to make me feel bad (well, I'm pretty sure at least), they're just trying to express their contentedness with the effort they're putting in to hopefully prolong their inevitable death. or feel better on a day to day basis. maybe both, maybe a secret third thing. I don't fucking know them. maybe they're also actively suicidal and better at lying than me.
personally though, i just don't wanna fucking hear it. like ok so you wasted money on a gym membership when you could be going for hikes for free, good for you. this obsession with health actually makes me pissed off if you couldn't tell, i think mostly because i have never, not once in my life, thought I should be healthier. even if i did want to get healthier, where do folks even find the motivation to make it happen? maybe it would clear up some emotional issues, but for that to happen, so much change would need to happen in my life that i get physically ill thinking about all the effort i'd have to put in. hell, i'm not even gonna put any effort into my own suicide, just gonna drink some plastic jug vodka, smoke my last cigarette, and let gravity do the rest. unfortunately it seems i still can't step over the ledge and finally be rid of this hellish nightmare, so i'm sorry, but now i'm here instead.
I should add that this anger also comes from seeing long-term alcoholic friends quit drinking and start leading active, healthy lifestyles. active alcoholics and recovering alcoholics can be friends, sure, but every damn time i try to talk to a friend who's in AA or fresh out of rehab, it's always the same thing. they say they're concerned about me as if they weren't in the same position just a few months ago, then eventually they'll move away and we become more distant, until we get to the point where they completely ignore me altogether. at this point it would be more strange to me if this wasn't the exact sequence of events for my one remaining friend. but i'm ashamed to say the social isolation has really been crushing me down, way more than it normally does. I don't know why i backed away from the ledge today. i'm not sure if this even had a point.
thanks for reading.
now that I've gotten that out of the way...hey folks, just got off work, went for a drive to the spot I want to jump off from, backed off and drove away yet again, and now it's the start of my weekend. long term alcoholic here so shutting myself out from the world and drinking alone in my apartment is really the only thing that makes me feel better. anyway, to the topic at hand: everyone in my life needs to shut the fuck up about being healthy and taking care of your body. I am so, so tired of coworkers talking about how often they've been going to the gym, eating healthy, cutting back on alcohol/caffeine, etc. it really sucks because i know that they aren't trying to make me feel bad (well, I'm pretty sure at least), they're just trying to express their contentedness with the effort they're putting in to hopefully prolong their inevitable death. or feel better on a day to day basis. maybe both, maybe a secret third thing. I don't fucking know them. maybe they're also actively suicidal and better at lying than me.
personally though, i just don't wanna fucking hear it. like ok so you wasted money on a gym membership when you could be going for hikes for free, good for you. this obsession with health actually makes me pissed off if you couldn't tell, i think mostly because i have never, not once in my life, thought I should be healthier. even if i did want to get healthier, where do folks even find the motivation to make it happen? maybe it would clear up some emotional issues, but for that to happen, so much change would need to happen in my life that i get physically ill thinking about all the effort i'd have to put in. hell, i'm not even gonna put any effort into my own suicide, just gonna drink some plastic jug vodka, smoke my last cigarette, and let gravity do the rest. unfortunately it seems i still can't step over the ledge and finally be rid of this hellish nightmare, so i'm sorry, but now i'm here instead.
I should add that this anger also comes from seeing long-term alcoholic friends quit drinking and start leading active, healthy lifestyles. active alcoholics and recovering alcoholics can be friends, sure, but every damn time i try to talk to a friend who's in AA or fresh out of rehab, it's always the same thing. they say they're concerned about me as if they weren't in the same position just a few months ago, then eventually they'll move away and we become more distant, until we get to the point where they completely ignore me altogether. at this point it would be more strange to me if this wasn't the exact sequence of events for my one remaining friend. but i'm ashamed to say the social isolation has really been crushing me down, way more than it normally does. I don't know why i backed away from the ledge today. i'm not sure if this even had a point.
thanks for reading.
