I don’t want to go

[suicidal flapper]

I don't want to die. I really really really don't want to die but I have no choice. Why? Just genuinely why? Why couldn't I just be born a girl and have a simple life? Why couldn't I have a single privilege? I wasn't asking for much from this world and yet I got nothing in return. The grief isn't going to away and I'll never be able to feel like a woman.

I don't want to die. I really really don't and the reality of my death next year is starting to give me anxiety. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be when I decide to take SN. I just hope to go unconscious quickly

 

[TheSource]

Do you maybe want to talk to members in the Recovery section? I'm just guessing, but it looks like you're in here to get someone to convince you to CTB. You shouldn't.

At least, I'm not gonna try to talk you into it; there's no need to convince other people to die just because I want to. I'm here for the community aspect, but I don't wanna tell someone, "You should CTB, it would make things easier." Or, "Here's how to die." I'd rather talk someone out of it than convince someone to catch the bus, ESPECIALLY if their mind isn't made up.

If you don't want to die, see if you can find things or people that help you want to live.

 

[BodaFly]

What little outward expression I could claw back of my true gender identity was forcibly ripped away from me. Every day I wish I could somehow start over in the right body so... I feel your pain. I do think a happy life was still possible for me despite my body, but I've been denied that over and over. This Monday will be my last day.

I don't think I really want to die either. I tried and tried to live for others, burying my head in the sand and trying to ignore the constant friction in my head, but it's no use. It was unsustainable back then, unsustainable now. I hope the split second of pain from a gunshot isn't too bad.

You have a lot of time, so please find a way to live. If there's any possibility to carve out a decent life, live, even if people like us can never have the full experience. Our life is an act of eternal rebellion, which is why I refuse to accept the purgatory I've been trapped in. I will escape it by any means necessary.

Today, I would've been 2.5 years on HRT...

 

[TheSource]

You have a lot of time, so please find a way to live. If there's any possibility to carve out a decent life, live, even if people like us can never have the full experience.

Absolutely this, OP. You don't want to die. Try to find a way to live.

 

[Foreverix]

I don't want to die. I really really really don't want to die but I have no choice. Why? Just genuinely why? Why couldn't I just be born a girl and have a simple life? Why couldn't I have a single privilege? I wasn't asking for much from this world and yet I got nothing in return. The grief isn't going to away and I'll never be able to feel like a woman.

I don't want to die. I really really don't and the reality of my death next year is starting to give me anxiety. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be when I decide to take SN. I just hope to go unconscious quickly

I resonate with this feeling. Being caught between a rock and a hard place feels worse than anything else. Don't want to live, afraid to die...the worst. Makes you feel like a caged animal.

I hope you find exactly what you need to feel like yourself, if it's possible. If it isn't, then I can only send a hug your way and relate that I don't feel like myself a lot of the time either. Though, I don't think this comes close to what you are going through.

 

[suicidal flapper]

Absolutely this, OP. You don't want to die. Try to find a way to live.

The thing is I can't! I missed my entire life until now. Literally everything you can imagine I missed out on. I'm soon turning 22 and all I do is stay stuck in a house all day even if I escaped my abusive household.It's too much time and I don't feel like there's mental resources to help me.

I'll never be pretty, I'll never have my youth back, I'll never have childhood back or the many experiences I needed. Instead all I got was abuse and locked away in a house for a miserable 10 years and beyond that until I was days away from turning 21.

There's no coming back from this. If there is somehow then frankly I have no idea what to do because I feel like I've tried everything. I can't even live to the crippling dysphoria. I'm very masculine and while there's surgeries it is merely a bandaid for me and there's no looking authentic. I'm soon 22 and I'm not young anymore. My youth is gone and every day seems to feel like it passes faster and faster

I just wanted a simple life. That's all I wanted. It's all I needed but it feels far too damaged and too late to ever obtain that

 

[TheSource]

The thing is I can't! I missed my entire life until now. Literally everything you can imagine I missed out on. I'm soon turning 22 and all I do is stay stuck in a house all day even if I escaped my abusive household.It's too much time and I don't feel like there's mental resources to help me.

I'll never be pretty, I'll never have my youth back, I'll never have childhood back or the many experiences I needed. Instead all I got was abuse and locked away in a house for a miserable 10 years and beyond that until I was days away from turning 21.

There's no coming back from this. If there is somehow then frankly I have no idea what to do because I feel like I've tried everything

Have you tried starting over? Of course, you can't go back to elementary school and restart your whole life. But what's stopping you from trying to experience your childhood right now?

Play at the park. Watch children's cartoons. Color. Dance. Make stupid songs. Playing with legos. Reading children's books. Going to your local library and asking the librarian what her 3rd favorite dinosaur is. What's stopping you from trying to have those experiences right now?

Of course, you'll have adult responsibilities. But let your free time be for your childhood.

 

[suicidal flapper]

What little outward expression I could claw back of my true gender identity was forcibly ripped away from me. Every day I wish I could somehow start over in the right body so... I feel your pain. I do think a happy life was still possible for me despite my body, but I've been denied that over and over. This Monday will be my last day.

I don't think I really want to die either. I tried and tried to live for others, burying my head in the sand and trying to ignore the constant friction in my head, but it's no use. It was unsustainable back then, unsustainable now. I hope the split second of pain from a gunshot isn't too bad.

You have a lot of time, so please find a way to live. If there's any possibility to carve out a decent life, live, even if people like us can never have the full experience. Our life is an act of eternal rebellion, which is why I refuse to accept the purgatory I've been trapped in. I will escape it by any means necessary.

Today, I would've been 2.5 years on HRT...

I'm genuinely sorry. I have no idea what to say other than you deserved so fucking much better. I'm sorry. This struck me reading to say the least

 

[dumbgirlonline]

I don't want to die. I really really really don't want to die but I have no choice. Why? Just genuinely why? Why couldn't I just be born a girl and have a simple life? Why couldn't I have a single privilege? I wasn't asking for much from this world and yet I got nothing in return. The grief isn't going to away and I'll never be able to feel like a woman.

I don't want to die. I really really don't and the reality of my death next year is starting to give me anxiety. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be when I decide to take SN. I just hope to go unconscious quickly

Being a female is one of the most painful things to experience. Living in a world where most people will only see you as one thing. The extreme pressures put on us to conform to the expectations of others and remain polite, happy creatures. This world hates women. From the moment even I was born I became aware of the horrors of women.
I pretend to be a vapid stupid girl to somewhat cope, but behind the scenes I too simultaneously wish to disappear and exist at the same time.
It's wishing to disappear because of the current circumstances but hoping that maybe, just maybe, things will get better. Hope I guess.

 

[suicidal flapper]

Have you tried starting over? Of course, you can't go back to elementary school and restart your whole life. But what's stopping you from trying to experience your childhood right now?

Play at the park. Watch children's cartoons. Color. Dance. Make stupid songs. Playing with legos. Reading children's books. Going to your local library and asking the librarian what her 3rd favorite dinosaur is. What's stopping you from trying to have those experiences right now?

Of course, you'll have adult responsibilities. But let your free time be for your childhood.

I more so mean social life. I mourn my pre-teen - teenage years so much I cannot stress it. I can't even imagine going to the mall with friends or having a first date with a friend or expressing myself the way I want to at the age you usually find yourself. It'll forever be alien to me. I'll never know what it's like. I was hoping college could make up for high school but since I have gender surgeries to pay for, no education, and now that I'm turning 22… yeah that's another thing ripped away from me

Now that I'm 22 it won't be long before I'm 30 and then it won't be long before I'm 40. I swear I just turned 20 and now I'm 22. I have no time to process. Maybe if time was a bit longer then maybe I'd consider it.