Duochrome-Seahorse
Some Person Who's Epic and Cool
- Feb 23, 2023
- 72
It's been roughly 2 years since I went to the hospital for mental illness related reasons, and I'm really proud of it. I cut out a lot of people in my life that made my life a living hell, which has helped a lot too. I started going out more and I found work. I've been trying my damnedest to actually try to make my life better before ctb. And I'm slowly seeing the fruits of my labor. I'm actually seeing results from changing my life for the better. I'm, fucking, trying.
The one thing that has been triggering me the most is that I'm in a relationship and it's been overwhelming and exhausting not to self destruct and ruin it due to impulses. we're 1 year into the relationship, probably the longest I've ever been in a relationship. The beginning of it was insanely rough, was considering breaking up with them, but they made up for it last minute and it's slowly improving. It's just, I keep getting jealous over literally them living their life. They're bettering themselves for me, and I'm trying to do the same. They recently told me how my jealousy has been taking a toll on them, and I just shut down. I wanted to cry.
I get jealous so easily. It doesn't matter how long I know a person, I just get so jealous when they start talking to someone else. I have severe abandonment issues and I'm so used to people leaving/using me that I either cut off people the second they make me unhappy or I just stop talking to them. I have my fair share of fucking up relationships, so I'm not really a victim in some of my experiences, but I use it as fuel for people to treat me like shit. Because I'm a horrible person.
Everyday I just have delusions that my partner is cheating on me, and that every time they tell me they love me, they don't actually mean it. It's just to soften the blow on everything they say. I hate it so much. I want to believe them. I want to trust them. I really do. But the scenarios that run thru my head are so convincing, even though they never happened. It drives me insane trying to differentiate what's real and what isn't. It hurts so damn much because I'm hurting them doing this. The cycle never ends in my head. Please let me die.
The one thing that has been triggering me the most is that I'm in a relationship and it's been overwhelming and exhausting not to self destruct and ruin it due to impulses. we're 1 year into the relationship, probably the longest I've ever been in a relationship. The beginning of it was insanely rough, was considering breaking up with them, but they made up for it last minute and it's slowly improving. It's just, I keep getting jealous over literally them living their life. They're bettering themselves for me, and I'm trying to do the same. They recently told me how my jealousy has been taking a toll on them, and I just shut down. I wanted to cry.
I get jealous so easily. It doesn't matter how long I know a person, I just get so jealous when they start talking to someone else. I have severe abandonment issues and I'm so used to people leaving/using me that I either cut off people the second they make me unhappy or I just stop talking to them. I have my fair share of fucking up relationships, so I'm not really a victim in some of my experiences, but I use it as fuel for people to treat me like shit. Because I'm a horrible person.
Everyday I just have delusions that my partner is cheating on me, and that every time they tell me they love me, they don't actually mean it. It's just to soften the blow on everything they say. I hate it so much. I want to believe them. I want to trust them. I really do. But the scenarios that run thru my head are so convincing, even though they never happened. It drives me insane trying to differentiate what's real and what isn't. It hurts so damn much because I'm hurting them doing this. The cycle never ends in my head. Please let me die.
